"75% of women wouldn't marry someone who was unemployed..."

So Glenn linked to this story about how 75% of women will not marry an unemployed man. "That sounds interesting," I thought and headed over to read it. Here is the gist of it:

According to a recent YourTango and ForbesWoman survey, 75% of women wouldn't marry someone who was unemployed, and 65% wouldn't tie the knot if they themselves were jobless. Ironically, 91 percent of single women say they would marry for love over money.

"It is ironic that women place more weight on love than money, yet won't marry if they or their potential suitor is unemployed," said Meghan Casserly, Reporter, ForbesWoman. "A job can make or break the longevity of a relationship and the results of the survey demonstrate just what an important role careers play in romance."

At first, I was a little put off by the results thinking that the women didn't value men except as a "walking wallet" but since 65% of them didn't want to marry if they themselves were unemployed, it doesn't seem to be too bad. Perhaps the women feel that both spouses should be in a more stable place. What do you think? Would you marry someone if they were unemployed?

"The report's findings fly in the face of conventional wisdom that says married people have it better economically than their unmarried counterparts."

CNN: "More U.S. couples living together, study finds":

Stephanie Marshall and her fiance, Kelton Scott, are college-educated, gainfully employed and living together. They pay their bills separately but "get together on common things like the rent," said Marshall, who just finished medical school in Atlanta.

The couple is part of a growing segment of American couples who choose to cohabit -- and a new report from the Pew Research Center, released Monday, says financially, those couples are making out like bandits compared to their married and single counterparts.

Not only are there more of them today -- the number of cohabiting couples has doubled since the 1990s, according to Pew analysis of U.S. Census numbers -- but they make more money than other segments of college graduates....

"Working" in more ways than one: Among the college-educated, the study said, in 78% of cohabiting couples, both partners had jobs. For college-educated married couples, only 67% were in two-earner marriages.

The report's findings fly in the face of conventional wisdom that says married people have it better economically than their unmarried counterparts.

"When we started writing this report, we thought that people who were married, and not those just living with each other, would be better off. But that's not the case," said D'Vera Cohn, the study's co-author.

I wonder if more people (especially men) want to live together because in a contractual marriage, the stakes are higher. How long will it be before there are "common marriage" laws that will make even living together more risky for a man--if he stays too long? Or will living together give men more freedom with less government regulation?

What do you think?

PJTV: Ask Dr. Helen: Has the Rise of Women Turned Men Into Boys or Boys into Men?

I talk with Kay Hymowitz on PJTV about her new book Manning Up,why men are rational rather than immature, why men no longer get married as often, and why college guys have quit trying on dates.

You can watch the video here or click on the picture above.

PJTV: The way to better sex

In this episode of "Ask Dr. Helen," I talk with Maggie Arana and Julienne Davis, the authors of the book, Stop Calling Him Honey and Start Having Sex. They tell viewers how closing the bathroom door, talking dirty and engaging in sexual dialogue can result in a better sex life.

You can watch the show here.

Update: Susannah Breslin at the Frisky has some interesting comments on the video here.

"I realized my husband was of no added value."

Wow, what a statement, but apparently, this is how some women feel about their husbands according to an article in the Dallas Morning News (thanks to reader who emailed the article). In the article, Christine Wicker, author of the best-selling book Lily Dale : The True Story of the Town that Talks to the Dead, asks why women are walking away from their marriages:

A lot of midlife women in my acquaintance are leaving what appear to be perfectly good and loving husbands. Or thinking about it. Or cheating on them. Or wanting to. Or staying married and faithful but buying their own houses, which they either live in or keep as a bolt hole.

This astonishes me. I grew up believing it was men who had midlife crises that threatened marriage.

I decided one recent morning to list women I knew who fit the profile. In 15 minutes, I came up with 30 names. Some families on my list have more than one walk-away wife. ....

University of Virginia research shows that progressive wives are less happy than traditional wives.

"More traditional women may wear rose-colored glasses, but they also benefit from a sense of male and female roles," said sociologist W. Bradford Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project, who conducted the research. "They don't expect their husband to act like a woman."

Everywhere you turn, it seems that some women's magazine, Suze Orman or some other cheerleader for the divorced (including the Atlantic magazine article mentioned in the essay) is telling women to throw in the towel and get rid of that guy. Women are told to be unhappy with everything about men. It's no wonder they are walking away from their marriages. The article says that women claim they don't regret it. Maybe they won't. But given the male shortage, especially for older men, I think the guys will be just fine.

What The Hell Is Happening To 30-Something Guys?

Reader Topher sends in an article asking this question from the Frisky:

If every time I met a cute, funny, smart, nice, emotionally stable, 30-something man with a girlfriend an angel exploded into a fireball and someone gave me a nickel, I would have enough money to buy a fancy angel graveyard with marble headstones. That is how frequent—and how tragic—this experience has become....

The only thing worse than a cute, funny, smart, nice, emotionally stable and totally taken man is one who’s single and just wants to play the field. What. A. Waste.

You see, he’s just one example of a larger issue that I’ve encountered again and again since becoming single. Otherwise pretty rad dudes reach their 30s without “settling down”—and by that I mean finding a serious girlfriend they could potentially see marrying or being with forever—and suddenly it’s like they regress to teenage boyhood. There’s some kind of bell curve, where guys get more mature and then they peak, and if they’re not in a stable relationship at that point, then they dip back down to the emotional maturity of 15-year-olds. Suddenly relationships give them that same sense of confusion that choosing between playing Super Mario Land or TP-ing the math teacher’s house used to. I know I’m generalizing here, but for the most part, it’s true. If you’re a 30-something dude and this doesn’t describe you, congrats! You’re likely one of the other generalized types I mentioned—somewhere on the spectrum between single douchebag and taken demi-god.

So, if male, you're a douchbag if you deny a woman marriage and a "demi-god" if you are tied to a woman? Does the author of this article have any idea that her oozing sense of entitlement (read the article to get the gist of it) might be a turn-off? Probably not.

Perhaps if she spent a little more time asking "What the hell is in marriage for 30-something year old guys with self-indulgent types like me, she might come up with an answer for why so many guys in their thirties are single. Throw in the unfair legal battle these same guys have watched their dads, friends, and uncles engage in during divorce and she will know exactly what the hell is happening to 30-something guys. Rather than the regressed or confused "douchbags" she thinks they are, they are simply wise to the ways of the world.

Neo-Neocon on the Gore's marriage breakup:

It’s almost always upsetting and even somewhat shocking to hear of a long, long marriage gone bad.

People are wondering why? WHY? You made it through all sorts of tough stuff, the way all couples married for forty-one years must. Couldn’t you just hold on till death do you part?

I don't know. I'm always surprised that people make it married this long. Just because you get older doesn't mean that you become a person willing to tolerate anything, just to "make it until death do you part." Maybe, if your marriage is not a good one, you figure you better get out before you die.

"...the percentage of unmarried mothers has jumped 11 per cent to a record 41 per cent in less than a decade."

Daily Mail: Women are waiting longer to have children in the U.S. - and a record 41% are unmarried:

Women in the United States are having children later, and fewer of them are married, according to a new report.

The Pew Research Center has found that, since 1990, the percentage of new mothers over the age of 35 has risen by five per cent, while the percentage of unmarried mothers has jumped 11 per cent to a record 41 per cent in less than a decade.

"...we are forcing them to quantify their value based on something out of their control: men."

Commenter Fidelio makes note of this article at Forbes entitled "Marriage, The Last Frontier" by columnist Jenna Goudreau. Goudreau naively thinks that marriage is the last frontier of the women's movement but mainly seems pissed that men are not under her and other women's thumb:

After reading Hannah Seligson's book A Little Bit Married--designed to invoke an internal freak-out that goes something like this: Why am I not married? Will I ever be married? Will I be forced to wait so long that my eggs dry up, my boobs reach my belly button and every eligible bachelor deems me unworthy of love?--I decided that marriage is the last frontier of the women's movement....

In part that's because this new generation features the "child-man," Seligson offers, who doesn't feel like adulthood comes until age 35. He lives with a woman for the regular sex and side benefits of emotional nurturing and a free live-in maid. Marriage is not yet on his mind because marriage represents financial stability, an end to partying and generally becoming old (apparently love and commitment are not deemed worthy criteria).

On this point I think she's right. A young urbanite myself, I know many of these man-children, who I find both amusing and frightening, and begrudgingly call friends. I do not, however, date them with the anticipation of marriage. Are we women so silly and trusting as Seligson suggests?

Staff reporter Goudreau is trying to make it sound like she thinks marriage is not anything that the modern woman should strive for but her wording here is more telling of what she really thinks:

If we continue writing guides on how to get your guy to propose or in-depth analysis on why he hasn't, we're not teaching our young women to focus on the quality (and equality) of their relationships. Rather we are forcing them to quantify their value based on something out of their control: men.

Ahh, so the real problem for this columnist is that men are supposed to come under women's control in order for women to feel satisfied and stop them from calling men names like "man-children." Boy, that's really going to get the men running to get married! When women learn that a relationship is about love, compassion and equality, rather than control, maybe men will start to want to marry them again. Goodreau has it all wrong. It is not that men are "man-children." They are just grown-up enough to know that a controlling woman like Goodreau does not a good wife make.

Update: Stuart Schneiderman has more.

Ask Dr. Helen on PJTV: Threesome Marriages

Do you think it's hard having one spouse to contend with? Now, imagine having two or more. Sasha, Janet and husband Shivaya were featured recently on their threesome marriage by The Daily Beast. Sasha, a psychologist, and Janet Lessin share more about their story with me in this PJTV interview-- what is polyamory?, why is it popular among baby boomers and how do people react to their non-traditional marriage. I would love to hear your views in the comment section.

But first, you can watch the interview here or click on the picture above.

Update: You can also read more about Polyamory at the Lessin's website at World Polyamory Association.

PJTV: Do men really want to get married?

Author and Award-winning CNN producer Alex Wellen says "yes" --men want to get married. He joins me today to talk about his new book, Lovesick: A Novel, about the rocky road to marriage for one man. Though men have been portrayed in the media as resenting or fleeing from marriage, Wellen finds out differently when he interviews men to get an idea of what they want from marriage. Recently married men tell him how they feel about being married--why did they decide to go through with it? On this blog, many men feel that marriage is not the right step for them. I would welcome your thoughts about what Wellen says.

You can watch the interview here.

"But if you are drawn to people who are toxic for you, then you may be better off staying single."

This is good advice offered by Christine Northan, a counsellor interviewed in a BBC News (via hotair) article on the scars of divorce.

There are many men who are drawn to toxic women who continue to stay and be emotionally abused by them --and who suffer from health problems as a result. While there are slew of books out there and other resources for women to learn how to cope with the problem of toxic men, there are fewer resources for men in dealing with toxic women.

In fact, when I searched Amazon with the key words women who hate men, I came up with only books about...men who hate women.

Big surprise.

" In my experience, the internet is not the disease but rather the symptom. "

I read with interest a short newsbite about how spending too much time online is straining Irish marriages (via Instapundit):

Too much time spent on the Internet is causing increasing friction between couples in Ireland, a marriage counselling service said Friday.

Some seven percent of couples seen by ACCORD, the Catholic Church's marriage care service, say too much time spent in cyberspace by one partner is their main problem, according to figures for the first half of this year.

John Farrelly, its director of counselling, said the problem had come virtually out of nowhere in the last three years.

A commenter in response to the news story, I think, hit the nail, on the head, "the internet is not the disease but the symptom."

If a marriage is good, one will want to spend more time with their spouse, and perhaps if strained, will try to escape in various ways, which might include going online. Or, in my case, both spouses could spend a lot of time online and then use it to make their marriage better. Glenn and I discuss stuff online all the time and always have something fun to talk about. I have never laughed as hard at some of the things I read or had to think so much in response to some of them. So, I guess, like any hobby or vice (take your pick), it depends on how one uses it as to whether it is positive or negative.

If you wonder if you are "addicted" to the internet,there are all kinds of helpful books out there-- even one specifically geared towards Catholics called Breaking Free of the Web: Catholics and Internet Addiction. The title makes it sound like "addiction" to the internet is always a bad thing.. .but I think it has its place.

IT guys and marriage

Psychoanalyst Stuart Schneiderman sent me a link to an article he was interviewed for on IT (mostly) guys and marriage. The title of the piece, "IT People Are From Mars: Why Your Marriages Are From Hell or Headed There" is (I suppose) a take-off on John Gray's book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Apparently, IT people are from another world when it comes to communicating with their spouses.

Eleven men and one woman were asked about what they wished their spouse knew about their job. This is what the men said:

Most of the 11 other respondents' answers to my question expressed some frustration with their jobs or with their marriages, or both. (The one woman who responded to my question wrote about the guilt-trips her kids lay on her for having to work long hours.) Their responses boiled down to the following five themes:

1. I don't want to discuss the details of my workday when I get home.


2. Don't call me at work unless it's an emergency.


3. If I don't return your phone call, it's not because I'm mad at you/don't love you. It's because I'm busy.


4. IT management is not a 9-to-5 job. It's complicated, demanding and stressful.


5. I'm not a tech support person, and I can't fix all of the family's home technology problems, especially when I'm at work. I spend my time on strategic issues and networking with other C-level executives.

The men in the article are seen as the "bad guys," that is, they are seen as uncommunicative and insensitive to their wives--and blamed for their shortcomings. The summary of the piece makes this clear: "your answers spoke more about your communication mistakes at home than they did about your spouse's shortcomings. Read on for advice on how to fix this before a nasty crash."

Perhaps these IT men are a bit uncommunicative or perhaps they do have stressful jobs. But can you imagine if the same author interviewed women who were raising five kids and having a stressful time of it? Say the husband was calling home for some spousal care on the phone in the middle of three of the kids having a temper tantrum. Do you think anyone would be sympathetic to his plight and blame the wife for her communication mistakes? I rather doubt it.

Has your marriage been affected by the recession?

PJTV is looking for those of you out there whose marriage has been affected by the recession. Are you working more or less during the recession and is this putting a strain on your marriage? Is your wife picking up more of the load and resentful? Or is your husband unhappy about the stress in the family budget? Does this article reflect your experience or is it something different? Let us know!

Email PJTV at recessionmarriage@pjtv.com