Sunday, August 20, 2006

Tips for Middle School Girls

Do you have a girl starting middle school this year? I do and so far, it has been a difficult first week. However, one book that has helped tremendously is A Smart Girl's Guide to Starting Middle School: Everything You Need to Know About Juggling More Homework, More Teachers, and More Friends (American Girl Library (Paperback)). My mother-in-law, who is a school librarian, dropped this book off last week prior to the opening of school and my daughter read over it and so did I. The book offers some great tips on how to navigate the world of middle school and as a psychologist, I must say, I was impressed.

Rather than harping on "empowerment" and "girl power," this nifty little book gives direct advice to eleven-year-old girls on how to control their emotions, learn math, and get along with others without taking everything personally. The beginning of the book starts with a quiz for your middle schooler asking her the question, "how do you deal?" If she answers all questions with an "A" answer, she is termed a "holdout" who tries to hang on to the way things used to be. New things tend to make this girl feel she is losing control. The author's advice here is good: "And there is something you'll always have control over: how you handle and react to things." I sure wish the older "girls" who got the vapors when Larry Summers made a few remarks about women in math and science had learned this lesson earlier in life. Perhaps if these overly-reactive women had taken the advice from this little American Girl book, they might have made more leeway in the hard sciences.

The American Girl book gives good advice about how to get help from your teacher with math problems, telling girls to be direct and exact with what kind of help they need. For example, asking the teacher when after class she might be available to help with positive and negative integers, instead of just stating that she can't do math. Other advice has to do with how to make friends and whether or not to swim with the crowd or against it. The author uses rational decision-making techniques such as weighing the pros and cons of one's actions. The advice given on how to deal with "tough times" with mean girls is priceless. The author seems to understand the bullying process and gives advice like, "Shrug it off. Look bored, avoid eye contact, and think to yourself, 'Whatever' or 'I don't care.'" She tells girls "not to let the bully know that she's getting to you" and gives further steps to girls for what to do if the bullying is excessive.

Overall, I highly recommend this book for your new middle school girl. If anyone has any other book reccomendations for parents of middle schoolers, or advice in general for girls in middle school, drop it in the comment section so that we can all learn something.

57 Comments:

Anonymous MyssiAnn said...

My daughter started middle school last year and the best advice I feel that I gave her was to be her own best friend. There's a lot of pull to be in this group or that group. Once she learned to do what she felt was right no matter what other people said or did, then the girls she had always been friends with gravitated right back to her to get away from that constant pull.
Another thing that she learned late in the year was to speak up right away about academic problems. For a variety of what I feel are stupid reasons, mostly that both of our local middle schools are over-crowded, the kids all have one class that stops half way through for lunch. Last year, that was math for my daughter. Math has always been her worst subject and splitting it for lunch only made matters worse. With tutoring, she managed to make a "C". Unfortunately, she didn't mention the split class issue to me until the year was nearly over and neither did her teachers. They seemed to take it for granted that I knew, which I didn't. This year, her best subject (geography) is her split class and she has math at the end of the day, when she's the most awake. She's got an "A" based on homework and quizzes so far...here's hoping it holds. So, really, this is advice to you as a mom, make sure she has her toughest classes when she's at her best and that her teachers and counselors know that you want to know at the first sign of academic problems.
I hope the Instadaughter has a great first year of middle school.

12:25 PM, August 20, 2006  
Blogger Mercurior said...

just one question, is there a book for boys out called

** A Smart Boy's Guide to Starting Middle School: Everything You Need to Know About Juggling More Homework, More Teachers, and More Friends (American Girl Library (Paperback)).**

i bet there isnt..

3:15 PM, August 20, 2006  
Blogger Helen said...

Mercurior,

American Girl does not write books for boys but there are some good books on boys and school by Michael Gurian. I also found a book
at Amazon called "The Big Book of Boy Stuff" that looked pretty good (although I have not read it)that discussed bullying and some school related topics. Perhaps such a book needs to be written--would boys be interested?

4:20 PM, August 20, 2006  
Blogger Mercurior said...

yes, boys would be interested, i was bullied every day in school, because i was bigger and my memory was vast, i was a swot, and so on.. i was stabbed, i had my glasses stolen, i was hit, punched for being different. if mothers or fathers would read to their kids like you do with yours, then boys wouldnt be as bad as they are, the pro feminised education would be less important.

it cant hurt, we see more kids being diagnosed add, adhd, for not being able to connect with the new education, as you have stated boys are being left behind in the world of education, and it will only get worse, unless parents understand that boys are not girls, we have our own problems specific to our gender.

if parents and educators took a little time to understand about boys, then you would have less violence caused by boys.

i live in a different country, with different culture, different systems, but i can see that a book like that for your daughter would be invaluable for any parent of a boy.

it wont happen to me, but i have seen the problems, part of the reason why i dont want kids, seen too many kids abused, boys more than most, by the society, its my decision not to put any child through the kind of pain i sufferer.

5:39 PM, August 20, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dr. Helen,

What about middle school boys - is there a book about how to get middle school boys to control themselves as well?

Alison

6:11 PM, August 20, 2006  
Blogger Helen said...

Mercurior,

I am sorry for what happened to you as a kid--bullying and school abuse is horrible--I have seen research that even men in their sixties and older still remember the horrible names they were called in school. I also believe that some boys (and girls) can act out violently when they are abused at school and nothing is done. This is why I have tried to dedicate my work to mainly helping boys and men (although I certainly have worked with my share of girls and women). That said, you should remember that just because you had a bad experience does not mean that your child would--and people can be resilient and recover from bad experiences--it sounds like you did with your wonderful fiance.

6:29 PM, August 20, 2006  
Blogger Mercurior said...

but as i said its in part that reason, in part i cant connect to kids, theres also medical reasons too, and so on, even psychological reasons, i like things in order.. at the same time when i can.. etc..

its not as bad as OCD, but i hate people messing with my stuff..

all of thise plus a few others, make it unfair, and unwise for me to have kids.. my father was a genius, far smarter than me, i dont come close to him, he is my hero, but he was distant, he took 8 years to die, so my father figure was aside from me, i never really had that father instinct, from seeing mine as he was seriously ill..

all this combined in me to not want kids, to not need them, it works for us. and its our choice..

but i would never hurt any kid, thats part of the reason why i dont want any

6:37 PM, August 20, 2006  
Blogger Helen said...

Mercurior,

I respect your choice--kids are certainly not for everyone.

Allison,

Sadly, I can find almost no resources or guides specifically for boys in middle school. I guess the schools control boys by insisting they get on Ritalin. If anyone else knows of a book or guide directed at boys on how to cope with middle school, please leave it in the comments.

6:53 PM, August 20, 2006  
Blogger David said...

A similar book for boys might or might not work...if it's true that boys that age tend to be less-avid readers than girls, then those who need it most might never read it.

Would another medium work? To me, at least, it seems that video or web would be less effective than print for this kind of very-personal advice.

10:12 PM, August 20, 2006  
Anonymous Faust said...

Yep, Merc and I are definitely ChildFree. My reasons are very similar to Merc's, plus I never have felt the need to breed. When I see babies, at best I think, oh, another baby like the millions everywhere. Seeing a kitten, or puppy on the other hand, I go all gooey :) It would not be fair to a child to breed it, when I don't really feel all that much towards children, and have NO desire to be a mother. Merc and I both also have disorders and diseases in our lines that are genetically based. We don't want to pass those on, and give someone else a life of suffering, or an early death. CFness works for us, and Merc and I are happy :)

10:47 PM, August 20, 2006  
Blogger Mercurior said...

david, if parents read to their kids, or even made them into comics, something more visual, as thats what boys and men are more interested in. but most of todays parents dont have time to read to their kids with their hectic lives, the complaint bout how fathers are not a part of kids lives, could be combined with a book on bullying, would solve a lot of problems.

my dad read to me from age 3 weeks with a picture book, pictures that were deep, not these see spot run pictures.. it stimulated me.

or are parents too busy to sit and read a book to their kids or even a chapter just before bedtime.

(in mine and fausts case to have a kid who would most likely be seriously ill, would be the ultimate selfish act, to bring something into the world destined for a short painful life. wouldnt be a kind or caring thing)

3:59 AM, August 21, 2006  
Blogger jw said...

A book for boys would be invaluable. Unfortunately, any boy who actually read such a book would be bullied without mercy for daring to read the book. The boys and girls would look down on him and use force to stop such un-male behavior. I've never seen or heard of a bullying campaign willing to include the boys in that way.

In middle school I was bullied without mercy for daring to be a heavy reader. I had some fairly serious injuries because of bullying, no one would help. My younger son had the same problem. The same thing applies today and I very much doubt if any bullying program would be willing to even talk about adding the boys in any serious way. Pessimistic on the surface, I know ... realistic too.

5:12 AM, August 21, 2006  
Blogger Sarah said...

I dealt with middle school by not going.

I remember, in 5th or 6th grade, our teacher invited an older boy who'd been in our classes before (our gifted program had a 2nd-4th grade class and a 5th/6th grade class) to come back and tell us what high school was like (the junior and senior high were on the same campus.) He came and told us about hallways he couldn't go down and figuring out how to get to class without going past certain sets of lockers and how to tell whether a group of boys and girls were in a gang or were just hanging out.

When my mother told me we could do homeschooling when she got custody of me, not only did I jump for joy, but nearly everyone in my social circle at school was insanely jealous for the rest of that school year. There were pluses and minuses to our homeschooling experience, but I have to say that given what I've heard from everyone who actually attended school around ages 11 to 13, it was definitely better for me to have skipped out on at least those years. I'd have been eaten alive, book or no book.

7:49 AM, August 21, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As long as the education industry defines the word "boy" to mean "defective girl", a book like this is not going to be written for boys.

We "control" boys with drugs like Ritalin, make sure that they have no unstructured/unsupervised play time, swath them in protective clothing/helmets/lotions, deride their sometimes difficult but necessary basic impulses, and then wonder why they fail to thrive and learn.

Shouldn't be too hard to figure out.........

8:26 AM, August 21, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My son's middle school experience was horrible. Most times he had to be dragged off to school. His grades were terrible. For the 8th grade, a friend of mine and I homeschooled our kids, which worked out reasonably well, but I was afraid they were becoming feral wild animals. And homeschooling for high school would be too difficult so they went off to school.

High school was worse. I tried ritilin, the Sylvan Learning Center ($5,000 worth of nothing), therapists, guidance counselors, and whatever else anyone suggested: No success whatsoever. Both of the kids dropped out, got a GED, and are attending the local community college. They aren't the only ones discarded by the system. I've seen a lot of others, all boys. The girls all seem to do quite well.

The US educational system is totally broken for boys. It's shameful. And for all the carnage I've seen, no one really seems to care much, not the people directly involved and almost no one at a societal level. It's at the point that you'll see books and all sorts of encouragement from society for girls (who are doing fine) but essentially none for boys (who aren't).

8:35 AM, August 21, 2006  
Blogger Helen said...

anonymous 8:35:

I totally agree that boys are given little guidance, basically tossed out into school (which is engineered mainly for girls) and told to sink or swim. Unfortunately, many boys today are sinking and turning to depression, violence, suicide, prison or just living an alternative lifestyle without much ambition. I hate to see it, but nothing will change until people realize that this is a problem worth fixing. However, those who are fixated on the prior problems of girls keep yelling in a louder voice and no one is stepping up as often to help boys--or if they do, are made fun of, called names and abused.

8:46 AM, August 21, 2006  
Blogger pettyfog said...

Answer:

A video game for boys, where points are amassed by making the correct decisions in dealing with school and school-related social problems.

And follow-up action shows chump bullies and teachers getting their just desserts.. in a -just barely- non-violent way.

BUT: I'm sorry, just as in the real world, the only thing a bully respects is treatment in kind.. meaning the will and fortitude to strike back.

Even taking a beating gets the respect of your peers.. it was that way 50 years ago, when I was a skinny glasses-wearing nerd, it is that way now.

Alpha male is not just a convenient sociological box.

8:54 AM, August 21, 2006  
Anonymous Pete said...

I was bullied all through my sophomore year of high school. I couldn't tell my parents as my Dad was an even bigger bully.

Last year on a bulletin board I belong to for Mopars, a teenage member started a thread asking for advice on a bully who had escalated to casual violence. Most of the replies advocated an eye for an eye. I explained to the thread starter that life isn't high school, that if he retaliated with violence beyond a school yard fight, it would be his life that was ruined by a police record. I told him that in 10 years he would have a good job and his neanderthal opponent would be pumping his gas or bagging his groceries. In addition, I told him that high school wasn't a prison movie and that the principal wasn't the warden, so it was okay to report the bully to the administration.

9:08 AM, August 21, 2006  
Anonymous dtrumpet said...

It might be an interesting project if Dr. Helen or someone like her wrote a companion book for boys. It could be written in the style that used history, adventure, invention and the here and now that attracts boys to read. Also one might take the time to make it interactive with parental involvement.
I know that nothing thrills me more than to watch the interaction of a boy and a mother who seems to really love their boys. I see it more today than I have in the past. Also the father is vitally important to both girls and boys and they have to be a part and be respected for that part.
The real key here is to allow girls to be girls and boys to be boys and love the difference. The synergy of their combined strengths are at the core of the human family.
I suspect that when men and women begin to learn to respect each other boys and girls will have little problem learning about who they are and about life. The problems have their genesis in the present male/female relationship and respect for each other as an individual.

9:54 AM, August 21, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

fwiw, since ADHD gets mentioned a lot in these topics. Thom Hartman has some good practical tips for parents involved in school-based ADHD discussions.

The biggest thing to remember is that, absent a diagnosis by a medical professional, you're just guessing. Get a diagnosis.

Here's some thoughts from Thom on how context makes a difference: http://www.thomhartmann.com/hunterfarmer.shtml

I agree with Hartmann's characterizations of why ADHD traits are strengths in one context but godawful in another. Thom tends to be more practical/effect oriented rather than dealing with the possible biological causes. His is an interesting perspective to read if you're a parent at wits end.

Also, regarding the child in the school system, the weak spot for the school system regarding boys with problems adjusting is this: Parents can ask for a possible remedy through IDEA / Special Ed process.

Most schools do a lousy job at understanding, developing, and implementing IEPs. That said, if a district is making noises about having the parent put their child on Ritalin, what they're really saying is this: We think your child has a condition which is affecting their ability to learn in a classroom with an unmodified curriculum.

That train of thought leads to a medical diagnosis, and, if needed, 504 plans and/or IDEA-based IEPs to address issues like ADHD. That can include curriculum modification (like alternate homework assignments, alternate ways to develop needed student skills, et cetera).

The problem is that since districts tend to do a lousy job developing and implementing IEPs and 504 plans that it's a mixed bag. You have to learn the system and terms, the district will, inevitably, screw it up, and you'll have to do something about it.

What you *can* do, though, is use the special ed route as the more painful alternative for the district.

If they keep chirping about your kid's presumed ADHD without actually looking at the situation they've created in the classroom, ask them about special ed regs, diagnoses, other health impairments, 504 plans, and/or IEPs.

Then offer them a couple of commonsense things that would make your kid's life in school a bit more manageable for them as the alternative. See if they prefer working with you to help your kid develop skills or if they'd rather be in the world of IDEA working against you in

A site called www.WrightsLaw.com can help you get up to speed pretty quickly if you're lookiing at these classroom issues.

If you're looking at possible issues relating to giftedness, www.sengifted.org deals with social/emotional needs of the gifted kids. (which tend to get overlooked in favor of performance and academic issues)

Also, giftedness (in the sense of 'this regular ed unmodified curriculum isn't suitable for this kid' can factor into things, the Templeton Report on Acceleration can be found here: http://nationdeceived.org/

Most importantly, know the basics of your state educational code and your official role in the educational process.

sorry for the length -

I'll just add one thing to think about:

If you're worried about advocating for your kid and possibly becoming adversarial with your district, ask yourself this question:

Whom would you rather have as your adversary? A district administrator or a teenager with years of undeveloped potential, poor study skills, a worse attitude, living under your roof?

9:59 AM, August 21, 2006  
Anonymous Tim said...

WRT boys, girls, and Middle School...

I find myself torn when I hear people suggesting that "another book" is necessary for dealing with any number of issues. On the one hand, I find most of these books clueless when it comes to applying the information to real kids, so I long ago gave up on looking to them. Likewise, magazines like "Parents" should be renamed "Mothers," because the material suggests that men have nothing relevant to add to the childrearing process.

On the other hand, I have to admit that many people did not have the benefit of loving parents, and therefore have no model to look back on. This is a tragedy, as then the best they can hope for is to read a book, and hope that the material is somewhat applicable to their children/family.

In my experience (one son a Freshman in college, the other a HS sophmore), communication is the key. Unfortunately, if you wait until the kids are in Middle School, it's too late. You have to establish (and constantly build) lines of communication, even in subjects you'd rather not have communication over.

A perfect example is teenage boy facination with flautulence. Learning to laugh at this kind of sophmoric humor instead of deriding it, is an excellent start. If you have a middle school son, Google "Farting Preacher" and then show him the video. Odds are, if he hasn't already seen it, he will soon, and you'll be amazed at the lines of conversation that will open up.

Obviously, there's more to successfully raising children than simple advice left on a blog or in a book, and blindly following any of it (including my advice) is a sure path to disaster. However, if you're at a spot where you have to find some answers, I recommend the following:

The Five Love Languages,” by Gary Chapman

How to be a Single Mom with a Son

Cheers,

Tim

10:25 AM, August 21, 2006  
Anonymous Tim said...

Duh... should have linked the version for talking to teens:

The Five Love Languages of Teenagers

Tim

P.S. In addition to raising two sons, I've coached youth sports for several years and teach Bible study to MS and HS students. Even so, I don't consider myself an expert... just experienced at nailing jello to a tree.

10:34 AM, August 21, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Re: Info for boys -- Seems like video game or comic book format might be worth trying. Important not to "dumb" it down though.

Maybe Dr. Helen has some friends who want a challenge --- or knows a doctoral student who needs something to research?

10:56 AM, August 21, 2006  
Anonymous Colin Kingsbury said...

This takes me back to my middle school days, spent at an exceptionally eccentric place called the Malcolm Gordon School in Garrison, NY. It was a private, all-boys boarding school for grades 5-8 with a total of about 35 students (yes, total). Because most students lived there, they were able to create what was essentially an alternate society of sorts. They started by taking away all your freedom and leisure, and gave it back to you by the spoonful as rewards for grades and also good behavior.

There was a board in the main hallway which was updated every week with the "PIDs" for each boy--Punctuality, Industry, and Decorum--graded on a scale of 1 to 5. These were valued as highly (and in some senses more so) than academic grades, and getting good scores gave you privileges like getting out of study hall earlier, or being allowed to read a book of your choice when you pleased. One of the top rewards was afternoon tea, twice a week, with--I kid you not--the headmaster's mother. 12-year-old boys got excited about this because it was one of the few opportunities to unwind, if only a little bit.

One thing they did that was really clever was twice a year, we put on a play, and the roles were assigned by teachers. Of course, the plays had female parts, which meant someone had to put on a dress. These were invariably assigned to the most macho alpha males.

Fighting was not encouraged by any means, but it also wasn't taken as anything more than it was. As for teasing, they were picky about it. At lunch one day I remember one boy calling another a fag, to which Mrs. Gordon (headmaster's wife) said, "That's not a nice word. You should say 'effeminate' instead.'" How's that for PC!

There were also twice-a-year canoe trips on the Delaware, taken in the months of October and April, when the water is barely above freezing, and the odds of going swimming very high (we all wore wetsuits, so it was OK). As a country boy myself it was fun to see all the tough city boys cry because their feet had never been cold and wet for hours on end before. They actually stopped doing the trips eventually because their insurance company refused to cover them anymore--said it was too risky, though in 60 odd years I don't think anyone was ever seriously hurt.

All of which isn't to say I enjoyed going there--upon graduation the feeling was equal parts achievement and overwhelming relief. Most of us went on to old-line New England prep schools and even there, coasted through the first year or two. It was a unique experience to say the least, one utterly out of time and place. Sadly, my class was the last to graduate (in 1990) as parents were having a hard time seeing the value of the experience past the oddities of the place. While at the time I would have been glad to get out, and I'm not sure if I would have survived as a boarder, I have no question it shaped me positively in untold ways.

11:23 AM, August 21, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here are my middle school tips for girls:

1) Don't suffer bullies, always stick up for yourself and others.
2) Be assertive.
3) If you witness bullying or teasing getting out of hand (with you or someone else), notify a teacher. Violence or deeply hurt feelings count as out of hand. No one deserves to be repeatedly victimized.
4) Be a nice person.
5) Smile.
6) Remember that teachers are people too. Sometimes they do stupid things. Sometimes they do petty things. Always be assertive with your teachers, but also remember that they're regular human beings.
7) Don't worry too much. Romantic-type relationships at this age are fleeting. Friends get in lots of minor fights. Try not to take any of it too seriously. Keep your sense of humor.
8) Some kids act really bad in school because they're having major problems at home. Remember to be especially friendly to kids who you think are having a hard time.
9) Don't skip, be on time, do your homework.
10) Have fun and try new activities. There are lots of new things to do in middle school: choir, sports, band, drama, etc. Take time to find out what you enjoy and meet lots of people.

12:11 PM, August 21, 2006  
Blogger Ardsgaine said...

Whence the stereotype about boys not being readers? My dad was a construction worker who enjoyed hunting and fishing. In the evenings, he could most often be found on the couch reading a book. I have 8 nephews, the majority of whom enjoy reading.

Boys don't get bullied for reading. They get bullied for not fighting back when they're being bullied. If they get a reputation for being an easy target, there are always other boys who will take advantage of that to make themselves feel tougher. Likewise, if they get a reputation for being hot tempered, they will find boys who enjoy setting them off. It's not an easy thing knowing when to fight and when to walk away. It's made a thousand times worse by schools with 500+ students in them. Fortunately, my son won't have to worry about that, because he'll be here with me.

12:32 PM, August 21, 2006  
Blogger Svolich said...

The best thing I ever did for my son was save a lawyer's life.

My son was bullied in 7th grade. It was a mixed bag of verbal abuse and physical violence. The school administration either took an "even handed" approach - punish everyone involved - or actively took the side of the bullies, since they were the socially popular sons of better connected families.

That changed when I saw an Audi get t-boned at high speed. I put out the small fire that had started, immobilized the victim's neck and told 911 that we'd need serious rescue equipment in the first call. The victim turned out to be a lawyer with a pit-bull reputation.

Over the next several months our families became close. My son told him about the bulling. He told my son to stand up to the bully, and he would take care of the administration.

The next time my son got shoved to the ground he grabbed the bully’s fingers and broke them. When the principal threatened to expel him Bob (the lawyer) showed up in his go-to-court suit, and explained just how much the principal himself had to lose. Specifically, his house, his car and every dollar he had. Not to mention the school district, the bully’s family, the teacher that had witnessed it, all the people involved in past actions by the school, etc.

The bully was transferred. After that they left my son alone.

I look at it this way. If I went to work and some guy shoved me against the wall and took my money, I'd have the police and HR involved immediately. He'd be escorted from the building within a few minutes. Why do we expect our kids to put up with crap we wouldn’t stand for?

1:50 PM, August 21, 2006  
Blogger Helen said...

svolich,

Good points--adults would never stand for this torment at work--why it is allowed to go on at school to young people is unbelievable. It is ironic to me that many liberals will defend to the end a woman's right to defend herself against an abusive husband but have no mercy for a poor 12- year-old who is getting the crap beat out of them at school.

1:55 PM, August 21, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Liz here from I Speak of Dreams. There's also a book, "Middle School: How to Deal" written by five girls in their seventh grade year (finalized and revised while they were in eight grade. ISBN 0811844978, from Chronicle books.

It would be great if boys would write a similar book.

2:27 PM, August 21, 2006  
Blogger Mel said...

Helen, it's allowed because too many people teach their children to "be nice". Bullies pick a little, "good" kids suck it up, and nobody sees anything out of place. The cycle repeats until the "good" kids turn "bad", at which point the "authority figures" present see two kids, one calm and saying "I didn't do anything!", and the other worked up and pissed off. This is why I advocate retaliation commensurate with the attack: snide comments, insults, threats, and then physical violence. If this happens the first time, the bully is a lot more likely to go elsewhere. Teaching your kid to capitulate to a bully is probably the worst thing you can do.

And yes, I am advocating fighting, IF IT'S CALLED FOR. This isn't work, these aren't adults with judgement and experience and things to lose, these are kids with relatively little to do and an awful lot of boredom to deal with. And until there are serious repercussions for various unacceptable behaviors, those behaviors will continue.

We live in a world of conflict. Why should we expect middle schoolers to get along all the time?

3:41 PM, August 21, 2006  
Blogger Mercurior said...

i went to an all boys school, in england, run by the dela salle brothers, and many times i stood up for myself after being bullied, but i got into trouble for defending myself..

if you fight back some of the bullies think they are getting to you, and they will only increase the bullying. some will run away. but you will get into trouble.

a lot of boys are being turned off reading, i remember reading grapes of wrath and of mice and men, god they were depressing boring books, and even in the boys school you had to write your feelings about the story. boys like entertainment, the old blood and guts.. to keep them interested.. but because of all the softer books (imagine forcing a 12 year old boy to read pride and prejudice, they would hate it, and so they wouldnt want to read again.)..

3:42 PM, August 21, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Schools should include more adventure oriented books like The Count of Monte Cristo, Three Musketeers, and Treasure Island.

4:54 PM, August 21, 2006  
Blogger HaloJonesFan said...

Or maybe some classic YA sci-fi...Heinlein's stuff, like "Space Cadet", "Rocketship Galileo", "Starship Troopers"...for the older kids, grab some David Drake. (Or, for a comedy option, pick a Raymond Feist novel and explain why it sucks!)

4:59 PM, August 21, 2006  
Blogger Mercurior said...

exactly, i am sure a lot of girls like those books too, but are "pressured" into reading worthy books

5:19 PM, August 21, 2006  
Blogger Graham Strouse said...

During the the three years & change that I have lived in Doylestown, PA, not entirely out of choice, I have broken up three conflicts at local schools between administrator/teachers & kids on public grounds. The gender-mix varied.

What I saw, in each case, was a peson with power (teacher/admin) using institutional power as a crutch to terrorize a kid in public & in full view of the kid's peers. A similar case presented itself at the CBYMCA, which is notably hostile towards yopung men & the poor (nice, huh?).

In two out of the three school cases, after interposing myself, presenting my case ("Lay off, okay? This isn't the place.) I put the chump/chumpette down, with the absolute minimum force. It wasn't hard.

In the other case, the one in which I had myself to defend as well as a friend, I involved a third party, a local gendarme with some standing, a good man I knew enough, a man with great experience & subtle intelligence who understood the value of gentle intimidation and proportional force.

For me it is a simple equation. When someone with circumstantial power abuses that wealth of force I step in when I can. I have yet to receive a complaint or rebuke.

I have an affinity for misfits and strays. It is a bit easier with men & boys.

But it bothers me that the family of one of the kids I run into at the Y, a 17 or so year old left-handed center of the XX persuasion, a gifted basketball player who I'd love to work with, "defends" the girl against my licentious efforts to teach her proper footwork (she already has a orn ACL) & make better use of the skills she has (lower body strength, a potentially lethal mid-range jumper, good hands, Stockton-to-Malone pick & roll brains).

I don't consider a diversion into the history of NBA superstar whose surgeon re-invneted ACL surgery that jocks with torn ACLs might continue to play competetively to be a sexual indiscretion. Likewise I do not think it inappropriate that I suggested to this girl that she should play with her back to the basket more, work high-low instead of low-high, perfect a mid-range J & study Hakeem & Kiki Vandeweghwe, both of whom have moves & tricks she could draw from.

I have tired of being considered a potential pedophile simply because I see potential in an athlete, male or female, tha no one else seems to see.

Most adult-juvenile abuse occurs in the family, the extended family, or within a religious community in which pastors hold great emotional sway over the children of congregants.

I've been going to the same YMCA for three years. In that time the only two women under the age of 20 who weren't instantly terrified of me by my presence (SWM 33, nice guy) were both over six foot.

I think that played a part, really, created a certain sympathy. Girls do almost all of their growing very early. It must really suck, I figure, to be 6-2, female, and smart to boot, and be trapped at an 7th grade dance with equally awkward boys who are at nipple level for the slow songs.

I see this, but I also see a 6-1/6-2 left-handed center who his left-handed but nearly ambidextrous who could probably play in college if she had a could post-play coach.

Hey, when I was in high school, the only advocate I had on either staff was the girl's b-ball coach who caught a powerfully built, 5-9 street-baller hanging from the rim and was astonished that her counterpart didn't find a place for me on the boys team.

It was a quiet advocacy & to late to amount to anything, but after an initial sense of irritation:

"Where have you been?!?", she exclaimed, I realized that I probably could have snagged a high school letter or two if the girls hoops coach had been handling the guys.

Waifs and strays possess amazing potential if you look beyond the surface.

To do otherwise, to see otherwise, would be to betray myself and all those who ever believed in me & fought for me on my merits, regardless of the cost.

I do not betray.

7:52 PM, August 21, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A book for boys, not necessarily for attending school, but just a well rounded interest in life. Tying knots, stringing a bow, building a treehouse, the major points of (British) history, major points of geography, riding a horse, etc. I saw it recommended on Crayton Cramer's blog, where he noted that it had been removed from Amazon.com (too PC-incorrect), so I ended up ordering it from Amazon.co.uk.

I found it interesting to read and compare with my own upbringing. I also found it depressing to speculate how many boys (and teens) couldn't recite any of the history/geography that was presented.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0007232748/202-5433842-6033439?v=glance&n=266239&s=books&v=glance

Steve Sky

8:17 PM, August 21, 2006  
Anonymous thatcher said...

I went through grade school in the '50s and graduated from high school in '66. They were all suburban schools and never had a big problems with bullying.
Starting in 1st grade the principal told us the expectations. When you saw that kids who were bigger or meaner or destroyed school property were called into the office, you know that they would get the paddle or be expelled. Once three 6th grade boys tormented a disabled kid and the principal hung signs around their neck "I am a bully" and paraded them around the younger class rooms to humiliate them. We all got to laugh.
Long story long, I met up with
those boys later in high school and asked one about it. He totally learned his lesson because he did it without thinking and he learned to think in a hurray. He turned out OK.
If the schools don't make it clear to kids very early that the adults are in charge, you get a high school out of control. There are certain behaviors that cannot be tolerated. Period. Not even tolerated in 1st grade. No excuses.

10:59 PM, August 21, 2006  
Blogger Mercurior said...

but the teachers and heads are restrained now due to the self esteem of the students, they parents knowing the law and can sue, and so on.

they cant punish kids anymore, as thats abuse, i know a few teachers with hellions, they reported them to the head so many times they wore a hole in the carpet, but they cant do anything, their hands are tied due to legal requirements.

5:13 AM, August 22, 2006  
Blogger DRJ said...

I haven't read this book but it has some favorable customer reviews:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0802788521/ref=nosim/002-9060839-1073643?n=283155

10:58 AM, August 22, 2006  
Blogger Helen said...

DRJ,

Yes, I saw that book also and people seem to like it--I will have to order it and take a look.

11:05 AM, August 22, 2006  
Blogger David said...

Why is vicious behavior allowed in schools which would never be tolerated in the workplace? It's largely because offices and factories are required to deliver actual results, and disruptive behavior by employees would interfere with those results. Public schools, on the other hand, have not been held to any standards of accountability: the only thing they have really been measured on is their ability to keep students in a known place for a particular number of hours per day. This is much more similar to the task of the prison warden than to the task of the typical supervisor or manager.

1:05 PM, August 22, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"they might have made more leeway in the hard sciences. "
leeway = headway?

7:55 PM, August 24, 2006  
Anonymous jgr said...

Worthy reading. Thanks for all the comments. My question, from a homeschooler standpoint is simple: where have all our schools gone? Why have they turned into (what you describe here)? Is it because the people 'running them' (state, private, whatever) don't really believe in school anymore? Or just don't know what school is supposed to be? (Looking at the enormous amount of tax money spent on American public schools, someone should know..)

7:08 PM, August 26, 2006  
Anonymous Ashley said...

Well I don't think i'm pretty. but, my friends say I a but i know that they just say that to make me happy. Then when it comes around to boys i ask them they always say no cause of the other boys. so i don't really know if they really like me. I ask a guy out today and he hasn't aswnered back i'm scared!!!

10:41 PM, August 29, 2006  
Blogger Graham Strouse said...

Ashley,

You ever heard this line:

They're more afraid of you then you are of them?

An awful lot of high school guys, a plurality even, are terrified for reasons old and new to ask girls out. I was.

Thing is, a lot of the shy guys turn out to be keepers. Some are just nervous. Some over-compensate with a little too much swagger.

Tell you a story...

My first date (and high school sweetheart...eventually) turned me down when I asked her out during our junior year of high school.

Thing is, I'd be shunted off in round-about ways before & hated it. Michelle was very nice, very straight forward, said she was seeing someone else (easily verified--I WAS a journalist, even back then ;) ) & we stayed friendly.

Our senior year we had a couple of classes together. She was coming off of a bad break-up. I was mired in a bad everything. We got to talking one day after 9th period AP English right before Thanksgiving & we were a steady item by the time we got back from the holidays.

Honestly, I found Michelle more appealing AFTER she turned me down that first time, because she was forthright about it. And later because she didn't play coy when she developed feelings for me.

She just said it.

Telling someone that you're attracted to them and that you'd like to spend time with them is...scary. Doesn't matter if you're a guy or a gal.

But guys do appreciate it when the girl takes the initiative. We REALLY appreciate it. Moreover, we respect it. It takes guts. It's flattering & it's nice to know where we stand. It's pretty scary on the other side of the dance floor, too.

You like the guy & don't hear back or get mixed messages when he's with other guys, try to catch him when he's by himself. He's more likely to relax and let you know how he feels and, of course, whether he wants to go out with you if there isn't a crowd around.

Maybe you have already. The implication in your missive is that there was some human static clogging the romantic airwaves. I could be wrong.

Honestly & truly, there would be more happy guys & girls of all ages if more girls & women took the initiative in these situations.

For what it's worth, I think what you did took some serious guts. Most gals wouldn't muster the nerve.

My 2 cents, Ashley & good luck. If not this time, then the next.

Yrs.,

Graham

1:51 PM, September 02, 2006  
Blogger ripvanwinkle101 said...

Simply said, the two years I was forced to spend as a male boarding student at Malcolm Gordon School were two of the most life changing, horrific, nightmarish, emotionaly and physically abusive years of my entire life. I am very glad that the school and it's extremely odd ways are now a fading memory to all. Your description even though many years later than my time there were earilly similar to my own observations as a captive there. The best thing anyone from that school ever did was apparently donate the extremely valuable land to create a park. That alone is amazing to me being how extremely cheap they were. Enough said.

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