Friday, September 12, 2008

Is Sleeping Alone Good for Marriage?

According to this CNN article, more and more married couples are sleeping separately (Hat Tip: Newsalert):

How many couples sleep solo in a double bed?

A 2001 random telephone survey of 1,004 adults conducted by the National Sleep Foundation found that 12 percent of married Americans slept alone; a similar 2005 survey of 1,506 people found that number had jumped to 23 percent.

In addition, a March online survey of 1,408 couples conducted by the Sleep Council of England found that 1 in 4 people regularly retreats to a spare room or sofa to get a good night's sleep.

The preference for separate spaces has even begun to affect home design. According to the National Association of Home Builders, there's been a steady increase in the number of requests for "two-master bedroom" homes since 1990, prompting the organization to predict that by 2015, 60 percent of all custom upscale homes will be built with two "owner suites."

What do you think, is sleeping alone good or bad for marriage?


Blogger Kevin M said...

Is there a severe snoring problem involved?

Nocturnal grating of teeth, or thrashing of limbs?

Does "sleeping alone" mean in separate beds, or separate rooms?

I know of one couple that sleep in separate rooms, and it hasn't diminished the bonds of their 23-year marriage at all. To each his/her own.

6:20 PM, September 12, 2008  
Blogger Francis W. Porretto said...

Bad, unqualifiedly.

Even a couple that's stopped making love, and there are many such, must retain some degree of physical intimacy -- a regular reminder that they are "one flesh," bonded and allied against whatever the world might throw at either or both of them -- and sleeping together is the least forced, most agreeable sort.

Snoring is remediable. The sense of rejection and isolation that comes from sleeping alone (if you're married) isn't. Take it from one who's learned the hard way.

6:46 PM, September 12, 2008  
Blogger Zaplito said...

I would say that a king sized bed saved our marriage. My wife agrees. I have restless leg syndrome. Probably once every two weeks or so my wife asks me to go in another room to sleep because I can't stop tossing and turning and she has to get up early. When one of us is sick the other usually sleeps elsewhere. My wife definitely does not like it when we don't sleep together. Whe says it makes her feel distant from me (no pun intended).

6:58 PM, September 12, 2008  
Blogger numeral said...

I read an article today that said that men(although they claim otherwise the day after) sleep better alone rather than with another person.

Personally I don't think sleeping together is all that important, seeing eye to eye in a relationship and not being bored with each other is probably a lot more important.

7:12 PM, September 12, 2008  
Blogger Heather said...

As someone sleeping alone for a week, it sucks. I want my husband back.

7:21 PM, September 12, 2008  
Blogger Sniggy said...

I can't sleep well without my husband, and he can't sleep well without me.

I had to go out of town for three nights a few months ago. When we were getting ready for bed the night I got back, he cuddled up to me, put his arm around me and sighed, "Great, I can sleep again." He fell asleep holding on to me like he wanted to be sure I won't disappear or something. Later I learned that he hadn't slept much (or ate much for that matter) in the three nights I was gone.

The upside is that we almost never fight (or when we do, it never lasts long) because fighting almost always means a sleepless night.

7:32 PM, September 12, 2008  
Blogger Tari said...

One of us snores so my husband sleeps in the guest room. It doesn't have an effect on our marriage. When he was in a job that required a lot of travel that had a far greater effect. As long as we're all together every night, it really doesn't matter where we each sleep.

8:05 PM, September 12, 2008  
Blogger quadrupole said...

If one spouse snores, get a sleep study. Sleep apnea has very serious health consequences, and can be easily treated (incidentally also eliminating snoring).

The studies that have been done trying to determine the prevalence of sleep apnea in the population have found that around 60% of Americans suffer from sleep apnea.

So if your dearly beloved's snoring is driving you crazy, send them from a sleep study. You may not only be saving your sleep, you may be significantly improving their health.

9:18 PM, September 12, 2008  
Blogger Archivist said...

"Good or bad for marriage?" The question scarcely survives it's statement.

It is, sadly, symptomatic of an age that disrepects the institution of marriage and regards it as something less binding, less significant, less sacrosanct than a commercial contract where goods are bartered in the marketplace.

I suspect that in far too many of those homes built with two "owner suites," it isn't long before there is just one owner living there.

9:26 PM, September 12, 2008  
Blogger leon said...

I snore, I get tired of getting poked, I moved to the couch. I LOVE it.

Is it bad for my marriage? Quite the opposite. I sleep better, wife sleeps better, and if we want to go "at it" there's plenty of time and venue all over the house at all hours of the day.

9:32 PM, September 12, 2008  
Blogger pdwalker said...

Different strokes for different folks. I know some couples that sleep separately and are happier for it.

Personally? I couldn't do it. I sleep better when I know my missus is beside me.

11:24 PM, September 12, 2008  
Blogger Val said...

The statistics noted largely reflect the aging of the population.

As "Boomers" my wife and I slept together for 30 years. Last year age began to have its effects and we now sleep in separate bedrooms, except when on trips or the "kids" and grandkids are visiting.

The statistic are evidence of an aging population.

11:40 PM, September 12, 2008  
Blogger Doom said...

I cannot speak for anyone else, and though I have never been married, I have been married through time, 8 years with a woman. And, I have shared my life, home, and bed with a number of women. I must say, I could not be in such a situation with a woman who wouldn't sleep with me. (I have changed, and won't even have sex with a women, now, outside of marriage. But that is something else.)

As problematic as sleeping with a woman is, her need to go to the bathroom which wakes me up, maybe a tossing and rolling condition from stress on a particular night, or whatever other problems, I enjoy the security and warmth of having a bed partner. I sense her and feel closer to her, and that grows over time. As well, sexuality seems more available and comfortable while sleeping together. The couch can be very cold in more ways than one for whatever reason might have driven me there. Even when sex levels out a bit, it is sexy to sleep beside a beautiful woman. There is more, but I don't have a good grip on it. I just know I would not wish to live without that, within a relationship like that.

Sleeping apart seems so modernist. It seems cold, distant, artificially independent, and odd to me. I suppose some people are either uncomfortable with their own or their partner's sexuality, or they have sleeping difficulties, or they are used to segmenting their lives, making this less of an option than a necessity. I honestly feel for those people.

12:38 AM, September 13, 2008  
Blogger randian said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

1:31 AM, September 13, 2008  
Blogger Jess T. Mills, IV said...

I have problems sleeping with somebody in bed with me. It's not intimacy, or sexuality, or any problem like that. I just get woken up really easily by physical contact. Also, I produce a lot of body heat, and when someone is sleeping up against me I start sweating, which (again) wakes me up.

When I'm awake, I love to cuddle. I love to hug, nuzzle, whatever you want to call it. One of the best parts of being in a relationship is the physical closeness. But when I'm sleeping, I just want to sleep.

Among my guy friends, the vast majority prefer to sleep alone. Among my female friends, the vast majority prefer to sleep with a partner there.

This is entirely anecdotal, though. I'm not sure if there's a male/female divide, or if it's just happenstance that that's how my friends divide up.

2:18 AM, September 13, 2008  
Blogger br549 said...

As stated above, sleep apnea (via sleep study) should be looked into if snoring is a problem.

My sister never got any sleep. Her husband had it pretty bad. It affected his ability to think straight, to function, and probably endangered his life.

They still sleep separately because the Darth Vader mask keeps her awake, but her husband's life has improved greatly.

7:15 AM, September 13, 2008  
Blogger Meg said...

We have a big house, with his-and-hers personal spaces, in addition our shared bedroom. The his-and-hers rooms are where we keep personal artifacts, hobbies, clothes, magazines, some of our books, and other items, leaving our bedroom calmer and less cluttered. The his-and-hers rooms also have beds and comfortable chairs and are good for when one of us wants to stay up later reading, or sleep alone when sick or stressed, or just wake up on a different side of the house with different light coming in. They also double as guest rooms.

10:30 AM, September 13, 2008  
Blogger Stormbringer said...

My wife and I sleep in separate beds, in separate rooms. We just couldn't get comfortable. After we move to a new, larger apartment instead of this badly-converted upstairs of a house, we'll try to put two twin beds in one room. But the marriage itself is lacking, more of a business arrangement, really, so I don't mind being separate.

11:05 AM, September 13, 2008  
Blogger John F Not Kerry said...

I have a hard time even going to bed before my wife gets home from work (she gets home after midnight). I am a light sleeper with a CPAP machine, and I figure I might as well wait for her so we can spoon together happily. I see sleeping together as a need for me, and she was even able to sleep through most of my snoring anyway.

2:42 PM, September 13, 2008  
Blogger Sloan said...

My wife and I both need to be able to reach out in the middle of the night and feel the other one there. We enjoy the physical closeness. It certainly makes Saturday morning lovemaking a lot more spontaneous.

4:29 PM, September 13, 2008  
Blogger observer said...

Why all the fuss about separate rooms and beds as long as the couple can afford to run such a household. After all, if this worked for nobility for perhaps centuries, why not modern American marrieds? The arguments about "lack of intimacy" betray a lot about who make them since if one wants "whoopee", one will go to get it and should not need the partner literally almost on top of them BEFORE the act takes place! :)

All the arguments for married couples sleeping in the same bed are really bogus and are indicative of only one thing now that married couples can actually afford to have more than one bed between the two of them. These likely are:

1.) An infantile need to keep track of the other.;

2.) Tradition (doing it because your parents did);


3.) Fear of public humiliation if it got out that "two beds are better than one" for the couple's marriage (since "one couple, one bed" is still the norm).

None of those adds to "intimacy" or even a good night's sleep, IMHO...especially if someone is prescribed a CPAP! (How "attractive", "sexy" and "comfortable" can it be to share a bed with someone who needs a "Darth Vader" mask connection to a noisy and somewhat cumbersome machine?)

Or has any other illness, behavior or disability that is disruptive to sleep, theirs and/or the mate's?

Or, someone simply wants their space to snooze in?

If separate beds=bad marriage, a shared bed=the exact same thing.

In other words, don't go blaming the sleeping arrangements--and the furniture--for daytime behavioral problems and/or the couple's simply being incompatible as a couple.

5:38 PM, September 13, 2008  
Blogger observer said...

I should have said "more than one thing" in the second paragraph of my comment. Sorry about missing the error.

5:39 PM, September 13, 2008  
Blogger John F Not Kerry said...

Observer, your comment betrays a bitterness toward those who express the need to share a bed with their partner. I was only speaking of my own feelings, and neither prescribing nor proscribing any behavior for others. And, I find it comical that you presume to judge how my wife should experience sleeping with me (an admitted CPAP user). We spoon naked, with me facing away from her, and she almost always falls asleep before I do.

Maybe Dr. Helen can explain why you feel the need to ridicule the feelings and experiences of others with no first-hand knowledge of any of the situations described in this comments section.

9:28 PM, September 14, 2008  
Blogger Peregrine John said...

"Afford to"? "Nobility"? When did sleeping in 1 bed become a financial issue, a class issue, or any sign of success? And weren't the nobles the ones with various lovers...?

I'll jump that ship before I get too snarky, and simply observe that the premise is indefensible on any level.

To the original point, count me in with Francis: It's bad for a marriage, unqualifiedly. It will end the marriage, unless it was a sham of convenience in the first place.

12:53 PM, September 15, 2008  
Blogger Peregrine John said...

A pillow sham! Dang it. Why do I always think of these things 5 seconds too late?

12:54 PM, September 15, 2008  
Blogger Stormbringer said...

Peregrine, "It's bad for a marriage, unqualifiedly. It will end the marriage, unless it was a sham of convenience in the first place."

Pretty bold assertions. Anything besides opinion to back those up?

2:33 PM, September 15, 2008  
Blogger Freeman Hunt said...

I'm with Kevin M. These are important questions:

Is there a severe snoring problem involved?

Nocturnal grating of teeth, or thrashing of limbs?

I see nothing wrong with married people sleeping separately if there's a sleep problem in the mix. I can't imagine that exhausted spouses kept awake at all hours will function very well in any relationship.

Sleeping separately just to do it? I don't know. That seems strange to me, but I'm not sure that my finding it strange means it's bad for marriage in all cases. If having separate beds is an outgrowth of an emotional separation between the two people, that's bad, but the beds are only a symptom of the real problem.

11:42 PM, September 15, 2008  
Blogger Sloan said...

I don't really see much wrong with separate beds if it's mutually agreed upon. But in a healthy relationship, it just seems like there would be quite a bit of, ummm, traveling back and forth, if you catch my meaning.

Although I could see how it COULD lend itself quite nicely to certain, uhh, fantasy scenarios:


He: "Come in...door's unlocked!"

She: "Bonjour, monsieur, eet eez I, ze maid, coming to clean ze room...Sacre' Bleu, monsieur, but you are, how we say, 'au naturale' in nothing but your towel!"

He: "Oh, sorry...thought you might be one of my business associates staying down the hall. We have a meeting later today. It's alright...what, you've never seen a man naked before?"

She: "Mai oui, monsieur, but...not such a fine one as yourself, you are, as we say, 'tres magnifique,' if I may be so bold."

He: "You may, and thank you. I'm feeling a little bold myself, my buxom young Venus!"

She: [giggling] "Oooh, monsieur, you go too far! I may have to use my feather duster on you, you naughty American boy!"

Yeah, come to think of it, this whole "separate beds" thing is sounding like not such a bad deal after all.


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