How to end self-sabotage
Many times I notice that people become depressed over concerns of failure or just plain inertia. I am reading a good book about how to overcome those obstacles called, Get Off Your "But": How to End Self-Sabotage and Stand Up for Yourself.
The book is written by Sean Clinch Stephenson who is one of the leading authorities on the deconstruction of self-sabotage (what he calls getting people off their BUTS).
Stephenson was born with brittle bones disorder (Osteogenesis Imperfecta) that kept him wheelchair bound, so he understands what adversity is. He offers six lessons throughout the book beginning with simple ways to connect with others and make ourselves human. He also says to connect with oneself and has an interesting section called "words can heal, and words can kill." I was a bit skeptical of this approach as it seemed extreme but his reasoning made some sense. He makes the point that for some people, the inner voice gets so hurtful that they believe that the only way they can shut it off is by taking their own life.
After reading some of the comments on my PJM suicide and men column from yesterday, frankly, I believe Stephenson is correct--the way we talk to ourselves can harm or even kill us. The way one talks to oneself can be changed and with that change, life can improve.
Other wise advice, the book says, is to choose your friends wisely, own your life--the good and the bad, and become responsible for how you act in response to abusive or negative events in your life right now. It seems to be a decent book for those of you who may want to get some advice on how to end self-sabotage. And this is as true for men as it is for women.
The book is written by Sean Clinch Stephenson who is one of the leading authorities on the deconstruction of self-sabotage (what he calls getting people off their BUTS). Stephenson was born with brittle bones disorder (Osteogenesis Imperfecta) that kept him wheelchair bound, so he understands what adversity is. He offers six lessons throughout the book beginning with simple ways to connect with others and make ourselves human. He also says to connect with oneself and has an interesting section called "words can heal, and words can kill." I was a bit skeptical of this approach as it seemed extreme but his reasoning made some sense. He makes the point that for some people, the inner voice gets so hurtful that they believe that the only way they can shut it off is by taking their own life.
After reading some of the comments on my PJM suicide and men column from yesterday, frankly, I believe Stephenson is correct--the way we talk to ourselves can harm or even kill us. The way one talks to oneself can be changed and with that change, life can improve.
Other wise advice, the book says, is to choose your friends wisely, own your life--the good and the bad, and become responsible for how you act in response to abusive or negative events in your life right now. It seems to be a decent book for those of you who may want to get some advice on how to end self-sabotage. And this is as true for men as it is for women.
Labels: interesting books, self-help
posted by Helen at 8:09 AM
15 Comments:
I might have to pick this up. It looks like some interesting reading.
Dr. Helen, I've been meaning to ask you something. A few months ago, you mentioned taking a Krav Maga class. Have you continued on with it? I just started taking them 6 weeks ago.
I friend of mine is in therapy, and talking badly to herself, thinking badly OF herself is her biggest problem.
It's something I don't understand. But if it's one thing I'm swimming in, it's self-confidence.
Bill
http://willstuff.wordpress.com
Donna,,
Thanks for asking. I took Kra Maga for about four months last summer and fall and let it go for a while. I hope to pick it back up soon though. I am so glad you started up--I think you'll get a lot of benefit from it. If you have any questions or want to chat, email me at:
drhelen at violentkids dot com
Bill, speaking from personal experience with depression, I can tell you that this habit of thinking badly of oneself is just that...a habit that you get into. And like any bad habit, it can be very difficult to break.
I can't speak for your friend, but for me the development of this habit was a slow process, over the course of several years, in which one difficult situation after another gradually convinced me that the problems in my life were never going to get any better. I short-circuited my own natural resiliency; I started to put a negative spin on virtually every aspect of my existence. It took meds, a year of cognitive behavioral therapy, and a lot of support from my wonderful family to get me back to normal.
The words we tell ourselves, in the deepest corners of our own mind, can be the most hurtful of all. They can actually change the chemistry inside your head.
More stories from my therapy days of yesteryear:
What lurks deep within our subconscious can be very enlightening. I used to be a self-sabotager. I would tell myself that I wasn't ever going to be successful, I would never be personable and nobody would ever like me. For this reason I would avoid groups, avoid taking credit for my successes and would avoid intimacy. A wise therapist started delving into this with me at one point and as I was telling him what I was telling myself and he asked, "Um, who is telling you these things?"
After much thought, I realized the voice in my head was the voice of my mother. I had managed to internalize what she had been telling me for years and started to tell myself the same things. My therapist told me to tell this inner voice to shut up. He also told me that there are remarkable number of people out there that are ruled from the grave, manipulated and self-sabotaged long after their parents are dead and gone by words spoken to them repeatedly.
I had a friend who had been going through some stressful times a few years ago and I got the feeling that she was having some issues with mental stability and depression, but because we had known each other for 30 years I felt obligated to hang in and try to help her. She grew more and more belligerent, accusing me of wrongdoings and saying hurtful spiteful things, of which I was not at all guilty.
Then, I too, reached a point in my life where I was experiencing some stress. For a brief period I started to self-sabotage again, accusing myself of wrongdoings and saying hurtful things. It didn't take me long to realize that it was this friend's voice in my head causing the self-sabotage. I realized at that moment I had to sever ties with her immediately.
So to wrap up what I have to say, if you have someone in your life that is sabotaging your success it might do you well get some distance from that person and gain a new perspective.
I've never battled depression but this thread reminds me of something similar. As a former paratrooper, I've experienced first hand how fear can build on itself. I've seen how anger can build on itself. It doesn't surprise me that depressed thoughts of oneself can also build upon itself. Left unchecked, that could well lead to suicidal thoughts.
Hi five, cham.
Cham, a wonderful story with a happy ending. Congratulations and thanks for sharing it.
Trey
@ Dr. Helen "The way one talks to oneself can be changed and with that change, life can improve. "
Absolutely. The mind can only hold one conscious thought at a time. Our thoughts guide our actions. Our actions shape our lives.
Sloan -
I'm sure you're right. My friend has been in intermittent therapy for a few years, and, while they're not sure where it came from, she definitely talks herself into, if not failure, depression.
Bill
http://willstuff.wordpress.com
OT: Interested in your commentary on this report.
Reaction To Women Abusing Men In Public
Cham --
Hard to do, but necessar. Congrats. Unfortunately, even necessary if the derisive individual is a spouse. Probably more so.
I wouldn't know what to say to someone who has a derisive spouse. My mother's big complaint is that she claims the only thing I ever say to her is, "I will not have this discussion with you." She's probably right, during a 15 minute phone call with her I will repeat that line no less than 10 times, as she hurls insult after insult at me. I can't see how people live with meanspirited spouses. Maybe this is why divorce was invented.
Yeah, cham. Sometimes all you can do is cut your losses if things continue to degrade. Parents are a horse of a different color though, eh? You can't divorce them, and there is no one to hand them back over to.
85cc免費影片aaaaa片俱樂部影片85cc免費影片85cc免費影城aa免費看aaav1688影音娛樂網線上卡通a片熊貓情色貼圖免費ava片線上看sex520免費影片免費線上a片日本av女優色色網sex888免費影片城aaaaa片俱樂部影片38ga成人成人影城※免費a長片※85cc免費影片免費ava片線上看85cc免費影城 日本a片a片 aa免費看85cc免費影城av168成人080豆豆聊天室小弟弟貼影片080苗栗人聊天室※免費影片線上觀賞※日本成人短片尋夢園聊天室kk123視訊俱樂部台灣美女圖hi5 tv免費成人影片微風成人影片微風成人區免費A片線上看aa片伊莉成人討論區台灣kiss色情貼圖sex999 免費影片sex520免費影片微風 成人論壇絕色成人影城QQ美美色網sex520免費影片免費ava片線上看色情遊戲成人情色小說百分百貼影片區日本線上免費a片85cc免費影城免費色片狂看小弟弟貼影片區本土自拍寫真a383成人影城免費視訊辣妹脫衣秀免費自拍情色電影成人動畫免費看視訊聊天室交友網aaaaa片俱樂部影片BT成人免費av18禁影片金瓶影片交流區aa的滿18歲影片BT成人論壇嘟嘟情人色網微風成人短片區伊利論壇aaaaa片俱樂部影片微風成人區sex520免費影片85cc免費影片sex999免費影片免費av18禁影片85cc免費影片免費色情短片飯島愛a片免費女優電影童顏巨乳美女圖片小潘潘寫真圖片av女優女人色色網台灣18成人網 - TW
Post a Comment
<< Home