Should men boycott Valentine's Day?
Valentine's Day is coming up next week and I found an old post on Men's News Daily entitled, "Boycott Valentines Day!" The post was written by Marc H. Rudov, author of The Man's No-Nonsense Guide to Women: How to Succeed in Romance on Planet Earth
and Under the Clitoral Hood: How to Crank Her Engine Without Cash, Booze, or Jumper Cables. Wow, what a title! Rudov states:
I never knew Valentine's Day had such meaning! I just try to go out and find a nice gift that my husband will like and I think he tries to do the same. But some men apparently feel put on trial and buy out of obligation rather than desire. Rudov has a graph here showing that 46% of men feel obligated to buy a gift and spend more money while only 6.3 % of women feel obligated to buy a gift and spend less money. Is this true? Certainly seems plausible.
Do you enjoy buying Valentine's gifts for your significant other or do you feel obligated?
and Under the Clitoral Hood: How to Crank Her Engine Without Cash, Booze, or Jumper Cables. Wow, what a title! Rudov states:Are men worthless? Only if they never demand fairness and reciprocity from women — and many men don’t. Valentine’s Day, and all of its pathetic rituals, represents the failure of men to stand up to women — who, ironically, don’t respect these eunuchs and don’t sexually crave them, either.
Visualize the annual V-Day ritual: women clucking around their office water coolers and late-morning Pilates classes in anticipation of receiving Vermont Teddy Bears or long-stem roses, while men are wringing their hands, dreading this day, resenting the pressure, wondering what, if anything, would please their wives and girlfriends. Why such anxiety? No man wants to end up in the proverbial doghouse without sex.
What a pathetic picture: women using sex as a weapon; men living in fear. The evidence of “romance heaven” is clear: alimony and child-support cash registers are ringing nonstop, the marriage rate is falling, infidelity is rampant, the out-of-wedlock birthrate is skyrocketing, and children — society’s future parents — are more dysfunctional and immature than ever.
I never knew Valentine's Day had such meaning! I just try to go out and find a nice gift that my husband will like and I think he tries to do the same. But some men apparently feel put on trial and buy out of obligation rather than desire. Rudov has a graph here showing that 46% of men feel obligated to buy a gift and spend more money while only 6.3 % of women feel obligated to buy a gift and spend less money. Is this true? Certainly seems plausible.
Do you enjoy buying Valentine's gifts for your significant other or do you feel obligated?
Labels: Relationships
posted by Helen at 10:21 AM
67 Comments:
I'm in only a casual relationship. I got a $20 gift card for Peet's (a local coffee/tea chain, which has been expanding; there's one very close to her place). I'm happy to do it. If she didn't get me anything, it's okay, and I hope that she knows that.
I refuse to kowtow to any person,male or female. Therefore, it took me a while to find a compatible GF. Finally met my current GF, who is a Naval Academy grad,and a USMC officer (now in the Reserves. She doesnt behave like the women described in Dr Helen's post
sorry about he double post. Dr Helen, could you please remove the extra post, as well as this one?
TIA
I usually celebrate alone because the DH is often deployed with the military around Valentines Day. So I've created my own ritual: I have two dates, Ben and Jerry. And I watch the most un-romantic movie EVER. This movie will seriously turn you off of any sort of relationship and reminds me why I love my husband and he loves me (because we are nothing like either of the main characters): Love Stinks with French Stewart.
This year is one of the first years in a long time where we'll be together for Valentine's Day. DH offered to cook which means more to me than anything (since I cook professionally).
Danny,
Glad you found such a wonderful lady! Removed the extra post.
No one is responsible for how you feel. I really haven't in my entire life seen men who angst so much as articles suggest.
I don't do 'dates', not even birthdays or Christmas. I give things when I feel the urge. I also readily point that out. Meh.
I don't buy a gift for my husband, but I don't expect one either. He generally picks up a box of chocolates that we both share. Then, if we can get babysitting we see a movie.
When I was a little kid, and the world was still free, we all gave out valentines at school. You could buy cheap books of valentines, cut them out and paste them together. Naturally some got more cards than others. Evetually some Morlock decreed that we could only give out the cards if every kid in class got one. I don't think the kids give out cards anymore.
When we were first married, my husband used to bring me roses to the office. Then, after we had children, I began working from home. He brought me flowers and I found that the excitement over flowers was gone. I concluded that if no one knows you got flowers, what good are they? Most of the pleasure of getting flowers at the office was that 50 other women knew your husband brought you flowers. So, he no longer brings me flowers. (I know - shallow, but admit it...it's true!) We usually get a babysitter and go out to eat (but not on Valentine's night - try even getting near a restaurant on Valentine's night!). My birthday is the 16th, so we usually plan a couple of dates in February. We get each other cards. We get our girls little chocolate hearts. We send our mom's Valentines. However, we don't overdo.
Valentines is a day I generally ignore. Fortunately, I've not been in a relationship during this time, but the time I attempted to spark something...what's the word? oh, yes:
EPIC FAIL
Before we married, I gave my then girlfriend two absolutes; I wouldn't wear a ring (or any jewelry) and she would never get anything on Valentine's day. Still married twenty-three years later.
(For the curious, I hate wearing any kind of jewelry or watches.)
I'm in the "obligation" class. Perhaps I would feel differently if there was a spark of romance instead of a business relationship-type marriage. But I reluctantly buy something because I have to.
Anecdote, not data: It's been my experience that the women around the office say they love to receive flowers (especially at the office), gush abstractly over men who send flowers, and berate in absentia their skinflint, a-romantic boyfriends who don't.
But. But, if you locate the men in the office who actually do send flowers, and privately seek the opinion of them held by the women, you invariably get a variant on "X? He gives me the creeps." or "X? Yuck. He's such a worm." or "I don't know. I just can't STAND him. There's something about him."
You will get no accolades from the ladies by pointing out what appears to be a contradiction, here. The hapless office guy doing what the ladies all claim they want is unctuously uxorious (UU, for short, and not infrequently is in fact a member of the Unitarian Universalists). Their answer is generally, "Well, yes, he's just horrible, but that has NOTHING TO DO WITH SENDING FLOWERS."
It does, though.
Even when I did buy Valentine's Day gifts for my gf/spouse, I never enjoyed it. I do enjoy buying them for my daughter though.
I like to give gifts. But I think V-day is just something that the greeting-card industry and florists use to make more money. If I give a gift it will be on my own terms.
Valentines day is a creation of selfish individualistic liberal culture and free market, which aids in commodification of romantic love.
I love to give my wife gifts, and I don't need a special day to give them. I guess I am just wired that way. Valentine's Day is special to us because it is the anniversary of our first kiss. We had been dating for a month (yeah I know, we're very old-fashioned; live with it). The only pressure I feel is to live up to my own standards.
Huh?
You mean that relic of chivalry still exists?
What day do they celebrate it on?
I work at home, and I LOVE getting flowers--how can you not like flowers?
Women should always get their husbands something for Valentine's Day too...then their is mutual obligation...and that is what marriage is.
Yes, I usually get my sweet wife something for Valentine's Day, though nothing terribly extravagant -- this year it's some flowers and chocolates being delivered by our church's Young Women (teenage girls) organization, as part of their summer camp fund-raising effort.
On the other hand, I buy my wife flowers at least once a month (usually at Costco). I've found that flowers mean a lot more and are appreciated a lot more when they're given regularly (as opposed to only on special occasions and/or when you're in the doghouse). ..bruce..
I think a card or small gift is fine. But the jewelry industry is working on creating a perceived obligation to blow a thousand bucks.
That's outrageous, but it's not as bad as them doing the same thing with Mother's day. (For your wife, not your mother.)
Unreasonable expectations fanned by the jewelry stores is ruining the holiday in my opinion.
Boycott those jewelry stores not valentines days.
Yes I do enjoy getting my wife something for Valentine's Day. It is fun.
And yes, I do feel obligated by the cultural pressures to do just that.
No biggie.
Trey
I, a woman, have never in my entire life heard a gathering of women (ahem) "clucking" (or bleating, mooing, braying or any other barnyard sounds) in anticipation of Valentine's Day gifts.
Either this is a ridiculous straw man designed to get someone's hackles up thinking about these ridiculous, selfish, animal-like women, or that particular species died out a long time ago and your quoted guy hasn't caught up with the times. I mean, like, is this a Boomer thing?
Carolynn sez:
Women should always get their husbands something for Valentine's Day too...then their is mutual obligation...and that is what marriage is.
Mutual obligation?
I don't care much about Valentine's Day but my husband and I make a small deal out of it, mostly for our kids. A little extra chocolate around the house, cards for each other. Sometimes I get out my daughter's stickers and stamps after the kids go to bed the night before and we sit across from each other and make cards for the kids and ourselves. I usually try to make a nicer-than-usual dinner and have some wine and a special dessert.
If we didn't have kids I'm not sure I'd give it a thought. But I use these occasions for training. I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking she deserves gifts for a Hallmark holiday. I don't want my son to grow up clueless altogether. We do talk about the fact that some people make too much of the day, and have high expectations for lavish gifts, and that those people are best avoided.
My third wife became sullen the first time Mother's Day rolled around without any acknowledgement on my part. When confronted I said innocently "but you're not my mother!" Bad idea.
After that I knew, but even clearing that hurdle did not assuage my fourth wife, who was miffed if random gifts of flowers did not arrive regularly.
I live alone now. :-))
My husband is buying me a beautiful .22 revolver, which I might let him shoot when we go to the range later this week. Who says valentine's gifts can't be practical? What a romantic he is.
My husband, when we were dating, felt like there was pressure to "perform" for Valentine's. I remember he bought me a beautiful necklace for our first Valentine's as a serious couple, and apologized because it wasn't much. I was shocked that he felt the need to apologize because his gift was within his budget (and it was beautiful).
We talked about it, and he told to me that his previous girlfriends had all demanded flowers, chocolate, cards, poems, teddy bears, etc. He dreaded Valentine's because of how much pressure there was, and it seemed no gift was good enough. He'd spent HUNDREDS of dollars on one girl who was still an ungrateful wretch and dumped him because he was "cheap." Ugh.
I've never much cared for the holiday anyway. So, we agreed that instead, we'd let 2/14 pass by and then go shopping for discount chocolate on 2/15. It's worked pretty well so far.
Good grief, do people get worked up over things. Not so much this comment thread, which seems as perplexed as myself over the hooplah.
Is it another excuse for extortion and emotional blackmail? Maybe for some, but like in Kit's story, such fools lose what they have. "Obligatory romance" is a contradiction in terms, and the correct spelling for "required gift" is "payment."
I'm planning to spend very little for the day, and yet it's to be, as far as I know, entirely one of a kind. Because for me, it's just another excuse for doing something fun and romantic.
We're each others' valentine 365 days a year.
Well, most days :)
My wife had a brilliant idea years ago. The greatest symbols of our love for each other are our three kids. She suggested we plan/serve dinner to them in tuxedos like waiters in a fancy restaurant. We've been doing that for years. The kids are teens now, but I don't think they've outgrown it.
I have to give her something or she'll be upset; she does give me a gift but I wouldn't be upset if she didn't.
What I give doesn't need to be expensive, it just has to be thoughtful. She'd rather that I compose a poem on typing paper than just sign a fancy card.
The point, though, is that I should be thinking about her and want to do something to make her happy.
I think I agree with Rudov to a point. I'm not as angry about it, but I definitely do feel pressure on Valentine's day more than anything else. I think it's about the expectation that VD (yeah, I know) creates with a lot of women that their SO has to be romantic that day, and if they aren't then they're some sort of sleazeball.
And even if that's not what most women think, it's definitely what a lot of men think that women think. So there's pressure there anyway, and it's societal pressure, not relationship pressure.
Maybe we're as wrong about that as the hysterical loons declaring that that implant-obsessed woman recently in the news is an example of what men really want.
Or maybe we should simply act as though we're wrong about it.
I flat-out rebel against the strictly merchandise-related "Sweetest Day". No spank you!
I've never done V-day. I think its silly "Hallmark Holiday". When asked why I'll always reply "I show her I love her every day. We don't need some fake holiday."
We do have "date night" once a week. It can be anything from dinner out to dinner in with netflix, to a few hands of cribbage or backgammon. Its just a few extra hours that we can hang out an talk each week. We try to have a regular night (currently Tuesday) but it moves with our lives. Way better than one day in Feb.
I made video of our kids set to the old song "I'll Always Love My Mama" by the Intruders. It took me 8 hours to put it together. My wife's favorite Valentine's gift ever, and it did not cost me a dime. She would rather I do something from the heart than just go to the store.
As for the guy above, whose old girlfriemds expected lots of gifts and had one who called him cheap and dumped him, I am sure you already know this: they all did you a favor by showing you their true colors before you married them. And, because of them you knew wehn you met the right woman.
Happy Valentine's Day all. I say instead of boycotting it or complaining, find a way to make it wonderful, like the couple who serves their kids a fancy dinner every year.
Being rather libertarian from the 'small l" Ayn Rand perspective, I've always used Valentines Day as a bellwether for the potential of the relationship I happen to be in at the time.
If my date is enamored with the trappings of Valentines Day from the perspective of getting her validation from the other harpies at her work clucking over the flowers or other conspicuous evidence of consumption she associates with the holiday, I know a breakup is not far off.
If the idea, on the other hand, is to use the holiday as a starting point for going a little bit further in terms of sharing feelings, thoughts, and time with one another; then that's a vibe I can groove with. Last year I sat down and put pen to paper, writing my partner and telling her what I appreciated about her and letting her know that even though I was saying these things on V-day, she should know I was thinking them always. She wrote me a poem. We cooked dinner for each other and went snow shoeing in Rocky Mountain National Park. Perfection.
We are, of course, still going strong. ;-)
Valentine's Day is a total sham, and not just from an "over-commercialization" perspective. It's sham based on the whole idea that ONE day is supposed to mean something more.
My thinking is this.... if you can't make the other person in your life feel special and loved the other 364 days a year, then you don't DESERVE to have someone in your life. This is no different than the people who suddenly give a damn about their fellow man on December 25th, but act like total a**holes the rest of the year.
I don't really need Hallmark to remind me to tell my wife I love her and demonstrate it. So yeah...I "boycott" V-Day in that I could not care less and will not but the red heart crap. Our wedding anniversary is on 2/2...and that's a real date that means something to us, not an invention by the gift industry to sell more cards and candy.
If you need a made-up holiday to remind each other that you love each other? UR NOT DOIN IT RITE.
Marbel,
But marriage is still "mutual obligation" is it not? Whether you make a small deal or a big deal out of Valentine's Day.
If you and your husband aren't "in to" Valentine's Day that works perfect for you. My husband would be disappointed if we didn't do something special - and so would I.
(Although actually, we never do anything on February 14th, too crowded, busy and lovey-dovey heartsy-fartsy. We're going out to the best hot dog joint in town this Thursday instead for Red Hots! I love my man).
Valentine's day is a trap for Beta males who have no grasp of a woman's psychology.
The problem is, the woman has the power of the STATE behind her bullying. Holding the threat of ruinous child support and alimony payments over a man in order to force him into slavery is destroying marriage, and inducing more younger men to not marry, or to marry a foreign woman who has a more pleasant disposition than an American woman.
In Japan they figured it out:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_day
Men get their own Valentine's day 1 month after V-day. Women are supposed to buy their man a box of chocolates!
kmg, dude, it's a holiday, not a draft board. Totally optional. Unenforced. Grab a Valium or something.
Did my V-day "duty" today. Bought some inexpensive flowers, wrote what I think was a thoughtful note on a card. My wife was quite pleased and appreciative, and we then celebrated with Swiss Chalet takeout.
Would I have done this this week without the V-day pressure? Probably not. Do I mind? No, not at all. A couple of simple gestures go a long way, so I don't feel like I'm under massive pressure to produce mind-blowingly expensive gifts or the like.
I, a woman, have never in my entire life heard a gathering of women (ahem) "clucking" (or bleating, mooing, braying or any other barnyard sounds) in anticipation of Valentine's Day gifts.
Yeah, I don't see women getting excited "in anticipation" nearly as much as "incessantly bitching about how what they got wasn't enough" and/or "making sure women who didn't get expensive stuff know they are complete losers" on 2/15. But they do make barnyard noises.
Personally, I detest V-D themed merchandise, and I find the whole "jewelry = sex" theme of seasonal commercials offensive and disgusting (also I'm a little creeped out by the societal mandate to go have sex on a specific date). I'm going to bake something chocolate on Friday night while my boyfriend is at work so we can share it this weekend, and I will consent to dinner out at one of our usual places on Sunday after some of the madness has subsided, because hey, I like dinner. Last year on V-D I went out for dinner with a half-dozen gay and asexual guys from work, and it was a blast.
Preach it, Brother Jimmy. Concise yet full of truth. Best post yet.
The general point of holidays is to remind you of something that is always there. Not to create it once a year.
And do any of you guys actually have women who withhold sex from you over material things or silly arguments? Does that really happen out there?
If you want her, seduce her. It's that simple. And it's always worked for me.
I, a woman, have never in my entire life heard a gathering of women (ahem) "clucking" (or bleating, mooing, braying or any other barnyard sounds) in anticipation of Valentine's Day gifts.
Me neither.
My husband sends flowers, we exchange cards, we get a carry-out dinner from a restaurant we like, and we watch a movie at home. It's fun.
If you're with someone who likes and appreciates flowers, is it really that hard to send them? My husband likes brownies, so I make them to celebrate things or just because. I don't feel like I'm going to fold under the brownie expectation pressure. Seems like getting all worked up over an expectation of flowers is a bit drama queen-ish.
The "End times" post was rather rude, being as this isn't the posts topic. Try practicing some of those Christian virtues there, preacher-man.
Men should be demanding Steak and a BJ Day for equalities sake.
http://www.steakandbjday.com/ maybe NSFW.
The "End times" post was rather rude, being as this isn't the posts topic. Try practicing some of those Christian virtues there, preacher-man.
Men should be demanding Steak and a BJ Day for equalities sake.
http://www.steakandbjday.com/ maybe NSFW.
woop double post!
You know, I enjoy Valentine's Day. I am sure this makes me all Beta male and stuff, but I like helping the kids make their cards and having another day to especially love on my wife.
No biggie.
Trey
I have told my past boyfriends and my husband that they are off the hook for V-day -- that I don't want a present inspired by Hallmark or pressure.
I don't care that my husband doesn't shower me with flowers and cards -- he is the guy who went to Wal-Mart at midnight to get a new battery for my car and installed it immediately so I could use the car first thing in the morning. I'd much rather have that than flowers once a year. He shows me he loves me with the things he does every day, like shoveling the driveway and cleaning the dead, rotting rat out of the basement. (OK, that was once.)
Still, I get my husband something little on V-Day because I like an excuse to give him a little treat and love token. He's a wonderful man and I want him to know he is appreciated. We also use the day as an excuse to cook a really good, decadent meal, usually steak and some kind of dense, rich chocolate dessert.
Why should Valentine's Day have 'inequalities' that need balancing out in the first place? I see a lot of posts from men and women here who just don't seem to have that problem. We're probably discussing a myth.
As a man, "Steak And BJ Day" sounds great on the surface, but it would CAUSE an inequality.
And it would be the same thing that we're all saying about Valentine's Day: it should just remind you to appreciate something that's always there.
As a man, "Steak And BJ Day" sounds great on the surface, but it would CAUSE an inequality.
I'm all for an equal-opportunity "Steak and Oral Sex Day"
In fact, it should be Steak and Oral Sex Day every day.
Umm... what were we talking about>
Suddenly I can't entirely remember either, but I'm pretty sure your analysis was brilliant.
"Dagny", eh? Have you ever run a railroad?
Jimmy is right. My boyfriend and I cut this crap out before we moved in together 20 some years ago. He'd come back from business trips with sets of cologne or jewelry because his ex had expected that. It was a nice thought, but we both came to the realization that if we wanted something we probably already had it or would buy it for ourselves. Which brings me back to why Jimmy is exactly right; if I'm at Amoeba and see a box set my boyfriend doesn't know about I just buy it for him. I don't need Valentine's day or a birthday for that. For Valentine's day we'll got to our favorite restaurant and get lit.
I can understand that :(
It is a big scam.
OK, is that Korean?
Thanks for putting enough English words in it to realize it just needs to be ignored.
Hmmm. My wife expects something for St.Valentine's Day, but not anything extravagant. A card and some candy is fine. While I appreciate the card & candy from her, it has less meaning for me. Methinks that's part of the difference between guys and gals.
The idea of giving her something at her work to make a show just sounds totally weird to me.
However, I do enjoy looking for something "extra" that she really enjoys (e.g., chocolate dipped strawberries). Not to make points or to show off (no one else knows anyway), but because she likes them and I love her.
When my boyfriend and I had been dating a few months, I told him the following:
"Valentine's Day is coming soon. You probably think I'm one of those people who couldn't care less about Valentine's Day, but I do. I don't expect a gift or anything. I'd just like to spend that day with you and do something nice."
He appreciated the heads up, and even though he couldn't care less about V-day, he thought it was kind of cute that I did.
I appreciate the candy my husband gave me yesterday, but I would have been OK with nothing.
What I've always hated, and have only gotten once or twice, fortunately, are those cards that say (I'm paraphrasing) "I know I act like a jerk most of the time and probably don't treat you right, but here's this card." If the card strikes a chord with you, buyer, put the card back in the rack and start acting right.
Also, of the men who complain that all women, or all "American women" (love that) are shallow and materialistic - I bet most or all are attracted to women who look beautiful and sexy. They're attracted to the pretty shells, and if the inside doesn't match the outside (why would it?) they think themselves ill-used. While the women who would be nice to them and treat them right are fat, or not pretty, and therefore just don't exist in their universe.
"Also, of the men who complain that all women, or all "American women" (love that) are shallow and materialistic - I bet most or all are attracted to women who look beautiful and sexy. They're attracted to the pretty shells, and if the inside doesn't match the outside (why would it?) they think themselves ill-used. While the women who would be nice to them and treat them right are fat, or not pretty, and therefore just don't exist in their universe."
-----
I wouldn't touch a "model" type or a woman who spends all day on her hair and nails with a ten-foot pole. They are usually stupid and almost invariably narcissistic. It's not even so much the money with them, they require constant attention to them, them, them.
Those women are avoidable. The bigger problem is the cross-section of American women today. "Normal" women. They are empowered, and you are going to make their life for them. Since they didn't get the Dream Man they were entitled to, the dope they "settle for" can at least provide them with all the stuff they want.
And it really is sickening. A buddy's father - who was divorced after 35 years of marriage or so - and who is fairly wealthy - got snagged by a "normal" woman. She has money herself, but not what he has, and she got her money through one divorce and one dead husband. I think she has worked a total of one year of her life. She is now busy separating her new husband and his money (getting things put in her name, mixing assets etc.). She'll get even richer off him; he's 20 years older and will very likely kick the bucket way before she's even old.
Wheeee. I wish I could get rich by just taking money from other people.
And that's how women operate today (maybe it was always that way). Very entitled and very greedy.
And to the "everything-has-to-be-the-same-between-genders" women who will pop up and say that a lot of men are greedy and materialistic, I have to say:
Yeah, but usually with their own money. If they earn it, I don't care what they spend it on.
I have a problem with greedy people who are greedy to get things with other people's money. And it is NOT always in agreement with the other person - for instance in divorce settlements or forced alimony payments.
And women truly don't recognize that trait in themselves. They honestly don't see it.
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