Merry Christmas! Hope everyone is enjoying a fun holiday with family and friends. For those of you who might be alone this Christmas, do something nice for yourself. Cook a nice meal, buy yourself a gift after the holidays, or just kick back and find some peace in your life. If you have spent Christmas alone before, drop a line in the comments about how you made it a pleasant and positive experience (or not!).
posted by Helen at 9:32 AM
53 Comments:
I changed my perception of holidays alone radically when I ran my performing group. One requirement was our visitations to children in hospitals over the Christmas season. We dressed as nursery rhyme characters.
Ain't no way to feel sorry for yourself after that.
If you feel alone and need contact during the holidays, go visit someone really in need.
Hey Dr. H., you have a beautiful soul, even though that makes me very suspicious.
This year on the day before Thanksgiving, my mother died.(I suggest that you write about this from a psychologist's p.o.v., because it has some nuance for mother-son dynamics, right?)
Then my uncle died ten days later, and that entailed the usual amusing carnival airplane rides between Florida and Illinois.
Then (and I am not making this up), my dog died.
Thankfully I have two gorgeous not-completely-feminist adult daughters and their kids with whom I will be spending Christmas.
I asked them to buy me red pajamas.
So now they are very confused. (And suspect a secretive influence.)
Merry rituals to you and yours and remember -- "wherever you go, there you are!"
I would agree with the advice you presented, as someone who has spent holidays alone before. You have to do something special for yourself, otherwise it's just a day off work to sit around and think about how much it sucks that all your friends are busy with family obligations, and you're stuck with yourself.
Of course, I don't have as much of a problem spending time by myself as most people. In fact, I start getting irritable if I don't get enough time to myself. For people that legitimately don't have much in the way of friends or family, I think it could be difficult.
I guess my advice for people that feel alone on the holidays, which ties back into a topic from a few days ago, start a blog! That's what I did. Right after New Years, last year, in fact, after striking out with a few past romantic interests over the last year.
It's a great way to meet people if you're willing to spend a lot more of your disposable income on gas and plane tickets. Right now I'm in Roanoke, VA spending the holiday with my girlfriend's family that I met through blogging. It can work :)
I am spending Christmas alone (and have a bad cold).
Helen, I'm appreciative that you address readers in my situation as fellow human beings, and not with pity, exhortation, or suspicion.
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and Season's Greetings to you and yours.
gs,
So sorry you have a cold--please take care of yourself and do something fun when you feel better. BTW, I don't think being alone makes someone worthy of pity, exhortation or suspicion. Solitude has its virtues.
Although most people who celebrate Christmas don't want to spend it alone, there really are worse things than alone-ness...or even loneliness. But I've never enjoyed feeling lonely, so I hope, if I'm ever alone, again, that I will find a way either to provide a place for other alone people to gather, or to participate in some activity for people with nothing.
Colds are miserable any time of year!
I have been lonely most of my life,and so,spending another day by myself at home does not bother me. I have no family in the USA (I migrated here on my own).
However, I did order a gourmet turkey dinner package from a local chef, and her company will deliver the meal around noon.
Then Ihave a few books lined up to read,and it is going to be a wonderful Christmas day for me.
BTW, the Midnihgt Mass at the local catholic Church last night/early this morning,was an uplifting experience too.
And watch the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, The St Olaf College Choirs,and the Belmont Univ Choirs doing their Christmas Program on PBS today. The great music will make your soul sing.
Merry Christmas, Y'all!!!!
I hope you all will have a ver y Happy, Prosperous, Successful NewYear.
Take care, y'all!! :):):)
- Danny from Ann Arbor,MI
Christmas is for family... but sometimes the definition of family alters, and now, with Christmas ski trips by my brothers..and my own grown sons who want to host but live over three hours away, I find myself feeling bad because my 80-something widowed father is home alone on this day.
It would be all good if he would/could travel easily. But he wont.
So having had my brother host Christmas on Sunday, which my immediate family missed due to travel and work arrangements, I had to settle for a 30 minute phone call to the dad who made me a lot of what I am..independent.
"Family" I have found, works two ways.
Just going through one of those tough times that happen. The list:
Dad's ill and does not want me to see him in that condition (confined to a wheelchair now). Fortunately he has someone dedicated to taking care of him and we speak frequently.
Lost job on Friday. Plotting my return to work via the military.
Final divorce hearing was on the
19th.
In spite of this I know this will pass. A very Merry Christmas to you and the Professor, and the readers of Dr. Helen this season.
Hang in there, Rich. I found the worst time in my life was actually the beginning of the best.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Merry Christmas Helen(and Glenn)!
A couple of years ago I woke up and stopped putting myself through Christmas hell when I realized I was expecting Christmas to be like the lavish Christmases of my childhood.
Singing in a church choir for a children's pageant and a late service takes care of Christmas Eve. I am glad to have a day all to myself. I listen to commercial free music Christmas music on the classical station. I make a call I dread to make. I call Rose the mom of my friend Angelo who is dying of a brain tumor. She wishes me Merry Christmas and says he is doing well. I call one of my three sisters on the East Coast. She's asleep. Her Jordanian Christian husband gives an apocalyptic prognosis for the Middle East. I get him to laugh by quoting a verse from the Quran. I'll call the others. Then I will go for a long motorcyle ride and come home to write Christmas emails.
There is so much Christmas goodness on the internet. I wept all the way through this post and especially the video:
http://msunderestimated.com/2006/11/23/im-thankful-for-capt-scott-southworth-video/
You don't actually have to be with people to feel the Christmas love.
Thanks Dadvocate -
Right now this is an endurance test. My best to you and yours this holiday season.
I am spending Christmas alone. Thank God for Book TV. There has been some other good TV. I've also listened to some Christmas music and talked to people on the phone.
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I moved way across the pond. Alone Caught the flu that turned into pneumonia. I am alone, newlywed. I couldn't deprive my hubby his family on Christmas day.
I know my family won't call me, They resent the fact that I left USA for love of someone younger than me, and for a 4 year degree.
My new family doesn't feel like "MY" family yet. I think it will take time. I live in such a small town, you can walk from one end to the other in 25 minutes.
Big city girl in a small town longing for pumpkin. I'll break down if I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" alone.
Hope to feel better by New Years to see the fireworks.
Just turned 49. Never married, never remotely close to doing so; no kids; no pets; parents long dead; one sibling 15 years older & 500 mi. away. Many would probably describe me as reclusive; asocial, not antisocial.
BUT, good health, healthy finances (notwithstanding absence of income due to a period of multiyear unemployment) and good friends (who all seem to be out of town this year).
Not my first Christmas alone, nor my last, though they are thankfully rare. In years past Christmas (alone or with others) has often been a very blue period. Not this year, fortunately. I bought a nice gift for my sibling & their spouse, received two from them, and that's my Christmas. In almost every way I am more fortunate than most. That's not a boast; more self-cheering-up.
I plan to call several friends all over the country, do some yard work, clean house, dine out, and enjoy a fire and a movie at home tonight.
I've had worse Christmases, far, far worse, and fortunately the weather's nice (few things multiply depression like gray weather). Thanks, Dr. Helen for kicking off a virtual Christmas. It's reassuring to know I'm not the only one alone today.
Life is good, all in all the past year was pretty good, and I'm looking forward to a better new year.
I've spent several holidays alone over the years... my job often has me working the day before or the day after, and living across country from the family makes short trips to visit a practical difficulty.
I view it as a chance to relax, do whatever I want, and generally be lazy. This past Thanksgiving, I slept in, took the dog for a long walk, had a turkey sandwich with chips, cranberry juice, and so forth, and took a nap. Watched some football, etc. A phone call to the family helped make the day complete.
Peaceful, really.
Yes, for the second time in three years, spending Christmas alone. The husband is working today. My parents and sister/brother-in-law/nieces all took a trip to Miami this year for Christmas. So I'm at home with a sick cat and nothing but TV and the Internets to keep me busy.
Was planning on going to Bikram Yoga this morning (yes, they have a class on Christmas AND New Year's Day), but overslept. So I've decided to reverse all my fitness progress by bingeing on Pilsbury Grands and emailing friends and family. I may even do a little work online. But I'm not really lonely, per se, just bored.
I am happily spending Christmas alone. Why? Perhaps I shall amuse the masses with what happened at Thanksgiving.
In the days before Thanksgiving my mother called me repeatedly and told me that nobody wanted to spend the holiday with her, nobody loved her and she was terrified of not being able to spend the holidays with her loved ones and she would be all alone. Reluctantly I agreed to spend the meal at her house.
I arrived at her house at 2PM and was happy that some family friends of my parents also were in attendance. I thought it odd that my Jewish mother had chosen to serve a Thanksgiving Day ham. My mother had cut off the crusty end piece of the ham and set it aside.I was served 0.5 oz. of meat, 2 green beans and a tablespoon of stuffing. My parents polished of their similar sized meal in 45 seconds and encouraged the guests to speed things up because they were ready to serve dessert. The entire meal lasted 30 minutes.
My father asked me to help him with some computer issues so we retreated to his office. My mother rushed the other guests out the door. I spent the next couple of hours helping my dad, my mom started to get very agitated that I was still in the house, she kept on telling me to leave.
At 5PM the doorbell rang, my two uncles and their families entered. During the time I had been with my father, my mother had washed the dishes, reset the table and had somehow pasted the crusty end back on the ham so it looked like it was freshly baked.
My uncles looked confused when they saw me, I figured they had been treated to the "nobody loves me" lecture as well. My mother shoved me out the door and started her Thanksgiving Day shift B.
Christmas with Mom? Um, no.
Merry Christmas everyone!
Trey
How about if you'd LIKE to spend Christmas alone but still feel obligated to visit the mother and the siblings instead? Good God my mom's house is a disaster, I can't unpack because there's not a horizontal surface in the house that is not piled 2 feet deep in junk. It's like living in Sanford & Son's front yard.
I guess I need to start staying in a hotel.
Not quite alone (spouse and pets are here), but I do have to work today. The good news is that I can work from home, and I can work on things that I enjoy. Plus I can listen to my favorite music while I work.
Tonight, we'll have a good dinner and cuddle up to watch some old Julia Child cooking videos on DVD.
Any time you're down or life is especially hard, it's important to do good things for yourself.
Having traveled around so much in my adult life, I've spent so many holidays alone that I came to view them just as a day off when nothing's open. Normally that has never bothered me.
One year I was hungry, didn't have much at home, and so I ended up at Denny's on Christmas day.
If you're at risk of feeling lonely or isolated on Christmas - DO NOT go to Denny's. About half way through my meal I looked around and was highly alarmed to see myself among the many tables at which sat just one man, alone. To feel a part of that demographic, to feel aligned with that ragged, curmudgeonly looking group - that shocked me.
I never suffered much during the holidays because I was alone, except for that one experience.
Due to duty schedule, I'm off today, but didn't have the time to travel with the wife to go to the in-laws. So I'm technically alone.
Working emergency, this has happened a time or two before.
We just had our Christmas on Saturday, and today is a treat for me. Empty house, old jeans and Scooby Doo slippers all day.
Fixed a nice big brunch, talked to the wife, some friends and the pseudo-daughter on the phone. Now I'm getting to watch "A Christmas Story" uninterrupted, then it will be the original "Miracle on 34th St."
Helen's right. Treat yourself well today.
A very Merry Christmas to all from thenakedemperor, thenakedenmpress, and all in Louisiana!
I have spent a few Christmases alone over the years and this is another one. It sucks on so many levels.
I traveled the last two weeks on business and did not want to fight the traffic to go to my dad's house this year. So I invited my mom down here and she is coming on the 26th. So the last few days have been spent getting ready and cleaning the house. I put up my tree yesterday and it looks fantastic.
I am not all alone though. I have my two dogs and will be headed to my friend's house for dinner. Then, it is home to finish off the Sopranos final four episodes, some hot chocolate with rum, and bed. I can then have the energy for mom and her craziness for the next few days.
I just checked outside. The weather is warm, the skys are blue and the traffic is unusually lite. I think I'll get on my motorcycle and take a leasurely ride to nowhere. And, perhaps, later in the day, stop by a little diner for some Christmas dinner.
Thanks, God.
Well, I'm not spending the holidays alone, but I wish I were. Nothing like a couple of days of pure relaxation, time for reflection, reading and writing, without interruption. Ah, peace and quiet.
Unfortunately, soon the relatives will be here. Actually, they're all coming to visit my mother, who lives in the condo next door. (I moved back home when my father was sick and dying of cancer, to look after her, as I promised him I would on his death bed. He passed away five years ago.)
Problem is, my brother, my sister and her idiot husband and their maddening horde untamed brats are never content to stay in her condo. Oh no, they all have to come over to my condo, because, well, you know, I have the flat screen tv and satellite dish, and the nicest shower you've ever seen. Personally designed it myself when I remodelled the condo. It's got fine tile, body jets, a rain shower head. They all love it.
So, they'll all be here soon, and my quiet vacation time will be interrupted. Not that I mind, you understand. I love my relatives. I just love them more when they're not here.
No, I didn't buy them all presents. I quit with the commercial gift-giving years ago. I did however stock up on USDA Grade A Prime steaks--t-bone, sirloin, filet mignon--warm-water lobster tails, and assorted sides--potatoes au gratin, pepper-jack risotto cakes, fresh vegetables. (Ohama Steaks is the best.) That's my gift, the best dinner any of them get all year.
Succulent steaks and lobster grilled over an open mesquite wood fire. Delicious side dishes. Pssst. For that kind of meal you would have to pay at least $60 a plate at a really nice restaurant, assuming you could find one that can afford a chef who can cook better then me (and there aren't very many of those).
But there is method to my extravagance. The way I figure it is this. I buy the food, I build the fire, I cook the meal, I set the table (in my mother's condo, of course), I feed them all, and then I leave. Go back to my condo, lock the door and return to peace and quiet, before I have to get up and go back to work tomorrow morning.
Bah. Humbug.
For all the hell my ex put me through when we first separated, we get along quite civilly now for the most part although we still have our moments. Over the past few years, I've let the kids stay at her house Christmas Eve despite the court order stating a rotation.
Originally my daughter worried because my house didn't have a chimney for Santa. My ex has a bigger house and gets into decorating for Christmas more than I. Shortly before noon, she called and invited me over for lunch with the kids and her.
I went. The kids were happy and she was cordial. Funny, although we are quite incompatible as husband and wife, we closely share values regarding our kids and parenting. Although she is a career woman, I've never heard make a feminist comment. The food was delicious and I enjoyed spending a couple of hours at her house than I usually do visiting my own family.
I don't particularly mind spending holidays alone. What I mind more than being alone is the judgements of all those who think it is terrible to be alone on the holidays.
While I might yet find a friend or two to do some things with today, if I don't, that's o.k., too. I will talk to others on the phone, and I will enjoy a quiet day at home with my dogs, and I will probably enjoy a nice dinner out someplace.
I didn't have to be alone, I had another offer, but it involved spending the afternoon and having dinner with some friends about 45 minutes away in the mountains. It would have been a very nice time, I'm sure, but I hate making the drive back from there during the day, as it is, and if I had to make the drive back at night after having a big meal, I knew I'd most likely be stressed out all evening before the drive, and then even more stressed out during the drive. Sometimes it's more pleasant being alone than going to a lot of trouble simply to be with other people on the holidays.
I think it depends on how you view the holiday. If it is just about getting together with family, feasting and getting loot then dealing with being alone is going to be difficult. If it is about faith then it is less difficult.
I've spent a few Christmas' in cold places far away from hearth and home. Often, at first, I would feel sorry for myself. But then I would think about the poor SOB across the line form me; what he had, what he _didn't_ have and all that I had...and it got easier. I knew that soon I would be with family and friends and we would celebrate the birth of Christ as we wished and in the way that we desired.
And I felt blessed.
There's still an awful lot of places that one can't say that regardless of the reason or way you celebrate the season...and for that you should be thankful.
I am.
Gawainsghost,
You are making my mouth water--what a meal that sounds like! What a nice thing to do. I love Omaha steaks, our family got some items from them as a gift last week and have already eaten most of it over the past few days. Do they sell lobster tails or did you get that somewhere else? If so, that will be my next purchase. We often get their fish dishes --they are especially easy to prepare and taste like you slaved in the kitchen all day.
Yes, Dr. Helen, Omaha Steaks does sell lobster tails, warm water and cold water. I prefer the warm water myself. They also have a variety of other seafood selections, as well as chicken, pork, beef, and assorted sides.
I love Omaha Steaks. No fuss, no muss, delivered right to your home or office, and always delicious. Their potatoes au gratin are the best, and their pepper-jack risotto cakes are to die for. You should get on their email list so you can be notified when they have a sale. I live for the 50% discount site-wide. That's when I stock up on their private reserve steaks, the very best.
Here is the link.
http://www.omahasteaks.com/servlet/OnlineShopping?PCR=1:100
By the way, I really do love my family. I just have a sarcastic streak.
This is the first Christmas I haven't driven (400 miles) to my parents' house; there was an ice storm over the weekend and roads were still closed yesterday. Definitely enjoyed sleeping in my own bed last night instead of the air mattress in the unheated storage closet.
I'm feeling a little guilty about how much I'm enjoying watching TV with the cat instead of listening to the children scream and my mother audit every bite of food my sisters and I take.
I suppose in 20 years when I'm spending all holidays alone regardless of weather, I'll feel differently.
By the way, if any of you want a more traditional holiday dinner, like smoked turkey or ham, cornish game hens, that sort of thing, there is not place better to shop than the New Braunfels Smokehouse. Their brisket is venom (that's Texas venacular for deadly delicious). And they are the only place I know of where you can order divinity, the best candy in the world. Their pecan pies are to die for also. Very highly recommended.
Here is the link:
http://www.nbsmokehouse.com/
I'm in Japan so now this is actually the morning of December 26th. :P
To me, the key to keeping my spirits up yesterday was staying busy. Laying around the house, while warm and comfortable, would have only led to brooding. So I grabbed my thick coat and my gloves and my earmuffs and headed out. Went exploring all around Tokyo.
I realize that my situation is a little unusual in that in Japan all the restaurants, stores, museums, etc. are open on Christmas, so I found plenty to do. But if any of you are in a foreign country where they don't celebrate Christmas, today's the day to see all the tourist sights you never got around to seeing.
This is my first Christmas in my new house. 2007 was spent in endless meetings as the divorce lawyers continued their excavations of my thoracic crater. However, most of that is over now. I did get to spend some time with my son and daughter as they opened gifts and then it was time for me to leave. My special event was a nice long seven mile hike up Tiger Mountain. I can't say that there was much of a view at the top, blizzard and whiteout conditions. It gave new meaning to winter wonderland. But now I'm back home and it is time for a nice hot bath and a good book. Merry Christmas
It's Tuesday, and even if it's also Christmas, I still went to the hospital where I volunteer in the emergency room. What the heck, I live alone, so why not? Besides, the ambulances would still be running. And so they did. There were the paramedics, the nurses, the docs, and the patients. I wasn't so alone after all. Merry Christmas, and happy MRI!
What a bunch of whiny Dr. Phil/Oprah commenters.
Hey everybody, Christmas is NOT about your self esteem or disfunctional family arrangemts.
You either believe Christmas is a celebration of a World/Life changing event or you don't!
Of course most of you probably believe Easter is all about the Bunny and the Egg.
Idiots!
Mike - Looks like you might know the facts but never learned the lesson.
I have a long running tradition of going out to Chinese food and then partying at someone's place with my Jewish and Hindu friends.
Which I just got back from.
Not everyone thinks Christmas is a big deal.
I belong to a number of Transsexual support sites.
Most TS people who transition lose their marriages. A substantial proportion are forbidden by the courts from ever contacting their children in any way ever again. More than half are anathematised by their parents, and all contact cut. Most lose their jobs at transition - like Susan Stanton. And like her, most of those remain jobless months later.
It can be a very lonely time of year for many, and always a bit of a nail-biter for those who try to help. It's not the ones who cry out in their pain that we're worried about, it's the ones who don't. Sometimes we get to read the obituaries later.
But this year... it's been good. Better than last year, and that was better than the year before. We haven't lost anyone. In fact, stories about acceptance by children, legal victories so parents get access, even people keeping their jobs (almost unheard of) outweigh the historically normal tales of pain and despair.
For me, that means it's been a Wonderful Christmas. Pain shared is pain halved, but joy shared is joy doubled.
Christmas was a time of dread when I was growing up.
Another day for Dad to get drunk and go into one of his rages.
Now I'm in a job where I work most holidays on the over-night shift.
No family to go home to and not much chance of finding anyone who wants to be in a relationship where they go to sleep alone.
The company does good things for most of the employees who work the holidays,
special lunches provided and gifts at Christmas, but my shift gets over-looked on both counts.
Out of sight out of mind.
And for all this I get to work weekends too.
I do wish it would have snowed. Not a blizzard, and I feel for those in the midst of that grip right now, but a nice fluffy snow.
I missed my one daughter out on the other coast now, but we talked on the phone for quite some time. First time without her here. Otherwise, it was good.
Back to work today. Joy!
Mike --
Hey everybody, Christmas is NOT about your self esteem or disfunctional family arrangemts.
It's also not about some ass pumping up his own self esteem by disparaging others.
You either believe Christmas is a celebration of a World/Life changing event or you don't!
Well, well. Are you following the directives of he whom you celebrate by snarking on others in duress? Funny, I thought his admonition was to reach out with an understanding hand. Hmmm.
Oligonicella:
You're right. The majority of the world's people are not Christians and don't give a hoot about Jesus. Christmas can be anything you want it to be. It can be a celebration of conspicuous consumption for your kids. It can be a wonderful vacation/holiday/downtime for yourself. It can be a chance to create a few moments of truce between your ex or your dysfunctional family.
Please people, don't tell anyone what to do with themselves during their days off or what a day should mean. That's arrogance.
Christmas Day Alone?
In the past I've taken Bike Rides, or gone to the movies.
This year?
I did not see my Sisters this year (They gots "issues" they need to sort out, and Older Brother is letting them do so, hee, hee!)
I worked yesterday, and today is my Christmas.
I'm spending part of it with a couple of families not related to me, but whose values and lifestyles I find, um, fun, interesting, and still relevant to the world of today. ;-D
I have not spent time with them in years, so this is an opportunity to get reacquainted, and remember old times.
Maybe you know them, too?
Gomez, Morticia and the rest of the Addams Family.
Herman, Lily, and the Munster Family.
Alone for Christmas?
Not spending it with Family (Because there are "issues", or just none close by.)?
Alone is in the eye of the beholder. ;-D
Oh, and if you are a cyclist, living alone, or with family, I'd love to have you stop by my Blog and partake of all the cycling resources and ideas for places to ride...
Not just on a holiday, like Christmas, but every day of the year.
Alone? Not on a well used bike trail! ;-D
The Cycling Dude = http://www.cyclingdude.com
Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays! ;-D
Merry Christmas, a happy and safe new year to you and the family.
Happy holidays to you and your family, Dr. Helen. And to all, alone or en famile!
It was actually Thanksgiving not Christmas. I was 18, and I'd just moved into my own apartment. The only family I was close to was my brother and he went to his (now ex)girlfriends family's house.
My job gave away free turkeys. Everybody asked me what I was gonna do with it. I was surprised by the question. "Cook it of course." I answered. So I did. And enjoyed the day in my, apartment watching tv. Lassie to be specific.
I'd recently been homeless so having a roof, and not just any roof, but my own roof was great.
some years i want to sit in a hotel room on my own and avoid everyone, have my cd player some food, and stuff. and just sit and avoid everyone spend xmas by myself
no presents no human contact or limited. just to recharge my batteries.
i am quite anti social most of the time, and xmas is.. hard for me. my dads birthday was 14th of december, and he died a long time ago 3 days b4 my birthday.
so at xmas i like to be away, i havent been even able to vanish into my room as i am wont to do..because i have a new bride here. so my time to recharge is nearly non existent.
danny: I have no family in the USA (I migrated here on my own).
What country did you come from?
dadvocate: Originally my daughter worried because my house didn't have a chimney for Santa.
I was just thinking about this the other day. If Santa can fit all of those gifts into his basket and get to every Christians' house in the world, then he probably has ways of getting into the house.
Helen, have you heard about Lobster Gram? www.livelob.com/
gawainsghost: And they are the only place I know of where you can order divinity, the best candy in the world.
My mother and paternal grandmother both make divinity. It is my dad's favorite candy.
br549, I live in Utah and we had plenty of snow. It is even snowing right now. I've come to the conclusion that winter driving isn't so awful afterall. Of course, it would be nice if it would get warmer than 25.
oligoncella: Funny, I thought his admonition was to reach out with an understanding hand. Hmmm.
I have been reading the bible a little bit as of late and I'm amazed at how many times Jesus helped out those who were despised by most of society. Perhaps that's where the idea of love the sinner, but not the sin comes from.
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