Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Helpline for Abused Men

In response to my post on domestic violence, Jan Brown, the founder and director of the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women writes in:

Dear Helen,

Thanks for starting a dialouge about this topic. I started researching domestic violence back in 1996 after a male family member reached out to me and told me of his wife's verbal, emotional, physical and sexual abuse of him throughout their 13 year marriage. I found out that his options were severely limited by society's understanding of domestic violence. Male victims are rarely welcomed at the over 2000 battered women's programs throughout the US and most times they are treated as abusers when they call looking for assistance. In October of 2000 I started a non profit agency. We run the only nationally available toll free crisis line that specializes in offering support and services to male victims of female domestic violence. For the last six plus years over 16,000 people have called our toll free helpline seeking information, support, referrals, and services. Please let male victims know that we are here and we care.

Our toll free line is 888-7HELPLINE (888-743-5754) and our website is www.dahmw.org

PS We receive no federal or state funding, our contributions come from private donations so some of our services are limited, but we do what we can to assist all victims who call our crisis line.
Sincerely,
Jan Brown, Founder and Director
Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women


It is good to know that there are services out there that treat men as fairly as women are treated in the arena of domestic violence. If you would like to learn more about the characteristics of men who are abused and the women who abuse them--take a look at Ms. Brown's article here. Not surprisingly, many of the abused men are in their early forties with children who are being used as "hostages" for keeping the men in their situation.

Women, just like men, need to learn to keep their emotions in check before they become angry enough to abuse those they live with and risk harming their families and those they should care about. The site I mentioned above has a workbook by a forensic psychologist for women entitled The Anger Workbook for Women: How to Keep Your Anger from Undermining Your Self-Esteem, Your Emotional Balance, and Your Relationships that may be a helpful resource. I noticed that the forward was by Sandra Thomas, an expert in anger and one of my current co-authors on a violence article that should be forthcoming. Apparently, the workbook can be used by women or professionals to help reduce feelings of anger and violence.

37 Comments:

Blogger br549 said...

When men find themselves in the situation of physical abuse, it is my opinion it happens because they can NOT or at least will NOT hit back. The way I was raised, and the way I feel of and on my own thoughts, would not allow me to do so, as long as I am the target. But I do not understand why people can't seem to find the door when it is obviously time to leave. Were the targets my kids, even others' kids, is a different story altogether. No one would be immune to whatever was required to halt an attack.

Were I a soldier in the midst of battle, with a female soldier by my side, it would not be a good thing for my health and well being. Same if she were on the opposite side. There in lies my personal dislike with women on the front lines.

3:27 PM, July 04, 2007  
Blogger Cham said...

Br549: People involved in domestic violence, victim or abuser, aren't necessarily routed in logic. Before I make my point about this, my advice to anyone would be if one is being hit or punched, and there is no way out of a corner, definitely hit back long enough to find yourself an exit and don't worry about the gender of the inflicter.

After years of research and violence counseling with women, domestic violence centers find that often the abuse victim willingly goes back to her abuser time after time because the victim is getting something from being abused; Sympathy from friends and relatives, as well as perceived dysfunctional power over her abuser, ie, the ability to control him with restraining orders, forcing him to apologize in order to restore the relationship, enjoying a few days or weeks of submissive behavior from him before he snaps again.

So it isn't surprising that men may find the same thrill in staying in an abusive relationship with a woman. There are many layers of domestic abuse, and I am hesitant to be sympathetic to anyone who has willingly stayed with an abuser for more than 1 minute after the abuse starts.

3:48 PM, July 04, 2007  
Blogger John Doe said...

Many battered men simply don't know that they are in abusive relationships until it is too late, when they're already out of their homes and under a restraining order. When the abuse has escalated to public abuse-by-proxy via false accusations and a legal system which views them as the perpetrators. Then he gets the time that he can no longer spend with his kids to figure out how he was duped, controlled, used and thrown away.

A bully has truly won when she or he has got you to pay the consequences.

4:31 PM, July 04, 2007  
Blogger jw said...

There's a story today about a battered man in New Zealand. The police were quite willing to arrest her, but warned the victim that if they did they'd also take the children into foster care: That is the law and the government fully support it by saying there is no problem with the law. Glenn Sacks covers it here: http://glennsacks.com/blog/?p=898#comments

This is the biggest part of battered men's troubles: The bigotry which surrounds the issue. Since in all of the first world countries, males are not considered worthy of protection from bigotry, the cost for a battered man is huge compared to the cost for a battered woman.

As Jan Brown says, her group cannot receive money to help men. We've seen the typical sexism dumped onto men in these threads. That is the problem! The problem is the massive size and scope of the bigotry dumped onto male victims.

My son's a cop here in Canada and a good one. He says it's fair cause they now arrest women for husband battery: What he doesn't say, what no cop says, is that the violent women will almost all get sole custody once they are released. Again, the bigotry coming from good people which IS the issue.


BTW: Jan: Good work.

4:17 AM, July 05, 2007  
Blogger Mercurior said...

heres a few more centres that may help, quite a few all through america. (the data is a little out of date)

http://batteredmen.com/bathelpnatl.htm

4:52 AM, July 05, 2007  
Blogger Slamdunk said...

The male domestic violence issue is an excellent discussion topic Dr. H. I have am starting a class in a few weeks on gender and crime and it will be interesting to hear the professor's view and what other researchers have learned regarding this issue. Thanks for the information.

8:11 AM, July 05, 2007  
Blogger DW said...

Women, just like men, need to learn to keep their emotions in check before they become angry enough to abuse those they live with and risk harming their families and those they should care about.

I find that fascinating coming from someone that not long ago defended Althouse as expressing anger appropriately.

Anyone that has been subject to abuse by a woman - either childhood abuse or spousal abuse - will tell you the symptoms of an abuser are all over Althouse in her uncontrolled out of the blue eruptions on innocent bystanders.

I was floored that an actual mental health professional - a PHD Psychologist no less! - would state however obliquely that the sort of behavior demonstrated there was "healthy" or in any way appropriate. It is classic raging behavior and it is alarming that someone in your field could even consider defending it as healthy or normal.

Put it this way; in the 20 years of off and on therapy I've been through I've never encountered a single other Psychologist or therapist of any stripe that wouldn't know exactly what they were looking at in Althouse' behavior.

9:47 AM, July 05, 2007  
Blogger Helen said...

DW,

We are talking here about women who beat and emotionally abuse those they live with and should care about. We are not talking here about bloggers who debate and/or make comments to others that they don't like, if you can't tell the difference between the two, you need to work more on your critical thinking skills.

10:18 AM, July 05, 2007  
Blogger Kynna2 said...

I haven't seen any men in a physically abusive situation, but I've seen a few in verbally abusive relationships and it's so heartbreaking.

As Dr. Helen points out, the shackle is the kid(s). Dads love their kids as much as moms do, and getting out a relationship without losing them is nearly impossible. The mom usually gets custody and can spend lots of time poisoning them against their dad. If she's been a verbally abusive spouse, it would be typical behavior.

But society had made a lot of wrong decisions in its desire to make things perfect for women.

10:31 AM, July 05, 2007  
Blogger MrHHH said...

We are not talking here about bloggers who debate and/or make comments to others that they don't like...

It's a completely different animal. How much emotional abuse can you take from some woman on the Internet? Even the most rabid and caustic personality is easy to avoid.

Back to Women abusing Men. I'm seeing a lot of guys going she hit me so blah blah blah. There's a difference between being hit and being abused. Guys get into fights, and when it's over, the issue is usually over.

Does the same thing apply to women? Can they hit once or twice and get it out of their system or is this something that needs to be shut down first time it happens?

10:49 AM, July 05, 2007  
Blogger Mister Snitch! said...

"You need to work more on your critical thinking skills."

Well said, but of course this type wants the discussion to be about whatever it is THEY want to say. Critical thinking, civil discourse, or common sense don't enter into it.

Speaking of Althouse, she just ran a post where she made a simple pun about how a story concerning a fox should be on fox news. Sure enough, some clown shows up to berate the Fox News anchors, which had nothing whatsoever to do with anything being discussed. Now he's showing up to claim that the post contained things it did not contain, and is going on and on about nonexistent material.

No logic can stop this sort of thing. Personally, I'm inclined just to dump such comments. They're worthless, and derail the whole discussion - which is their sole intent. Why let them?

10:56 AM, July 05, 2007  
Blogger Ignorance is Bliss said...

Put it this way; in the 20 years of off and on therapy I've been through I've never encountered a single other Psychologist or therapist of any stripe that wouldn't know exactly what they were looking at in Althouse' behavior.

This is a classic rhetorical trick that I've always despised. It's basically 'If you ask a bunch of experts, they would agree with me.'

Sorry, that doesn't cut it. The reason we rely on expert opinion is that they presumably know more about the subject than the rest of us. Therefore they are more likely to come to a correct conclusion than we are.

To simply claim that the experts would agree with you, without actually asking the expert's opinion, adds no weight to your argument.

11:01 AM, July 05, 2007  
Blogger TMink said...

Maybe the 21st year if therapy will do the trick!

Trey

11:30 AM, July 05, 2007  
Blogger Jan said...

I realize this is off topic, but can anyone explain to me why people who have been in therapy for a long time act as if they’re qualified to diagnose other people's problems? I've encountered that before and always wondered why.

12:32 PM, July 05, 2007  
Blogger Geekster said...

Having survived a relationship with a woman diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (and diagnosis confirmed by a second doctor) and having kids also uses as "hostages" to keep me from leaving (couldn't bear to leave them alone with her) I can identify with much posted here.

The system is set up to support women who are victims of abuse and men are almost never given the benefit of the doubt.

Men, if you find yourself in a situation that is nearly beyond belief, you might want to see the following link. You are not the only one in this situation.

Indicators of BPD and another link Common "games" between BPs and Non-BPs

Diagnosis can only be done by a qualified professional but this might allow someone out there to make sense of what might otherwise make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

12:32 PM, July 05, 2007  
Blogger Paul said...

I was in an abusive marriage and I didn't stay in it because I enjoyed the abuse or some stupid psychological reason. I stayed too long because I new in NY that I would lose my kids when I left and I did.

I never hit her back either. Not because I couldn't, but because I knew she would call the police the first time I did and have me put in jail.

12:32 PM, July 05, 2007  
Blogger Ivan Goddard said...

Amen to the comments. As far as self-defense goes, I know a fellow whose wife regularly got into screaming, assaultive, utterly incoherent states. He shrugged off the attacks. On one occasion, he pushed her away, didn't punch, just pushed. He screamed that was domestic violence (nevermind that she'd just hit him twice) and called 911. They arrested both of them. The statute says they must arrest if there is probable cause, and of course there was (self-defense is an affirmative defense, after all). The local police construe the statute as -- if there is a DV call, you must make at least one arrest.

If the fellow's relatives hadn't been available to pick up the children, they would have lost the children, too.

He had some staggeringly impressive evidence (audiotapes of past assault, her screaming and howling, sounds of impact, her gloating afterward), but no prosecutor would spare the time to listen. In the end he was acquitted.

He mentioned some horror stories he heard during the night in jail. One guy had the officers say that they had to make at least one arrest -- should it be him or his wife? He figured the kids needed her, and volunteered to be arrested. Another fellow had cussed out some drug-dealing stepsons, one of whom split his scalp open with a golf club. They fled, and he was arrested (after the wound was stapled), because they had to make one arrest, and disorderly conduct with a family member is domestic "violence." (I looked it up after hearing the story, and yes it is).

12:58 PM, July 05, 2007  
Blogger DW said...

We are talking here about women who beat and emotionally abuse those they live with and should care about. We are not talking here about bloggers who debate and/or make comments to others that they don't like, if you can't tell the difference between the two, you need to work more on your critical thinking skills.

They are one and the same. What do you think women that abuse others look like in public?

Women that emotionally and physically abuse others in their lives are ragers. People that rage manifest their rage in various ways only a few of which are visible to others. A key to knowing who is a potential perpetrator is the sort of raging behavior on display there.

Critical thinking indeed. If you want to stand up as a defender of people abused by women you cannot deny the abusive woman standing before you.

When you see a woman screaming and raging and everyone around her is afraid or standing with their mouths hanging open in shock you're looking at an abuser.

The first thing we as a society need to do if we intend to address abusive women is admit they exist. In order to admit they exist we have to identify them. To identify them we have to identify their outward symptoms doctor. I submit to you that eruptions of misdirected rage is a pretty good indicator.

5:35 PM, July 05, 2007  
Blogger TMink said...

DW, I read and post over at Althouse and I have never perceived her as an abusive person.

Trey

6:23 PM, July 05, 2007  
Blogger Alf said...

>I noticed that the forward was by...<

Please! This is one of my pet peeves. It's not a "forward,", it's a "foreword."

6:32 PM, July 05, 2007  
Blogger Dick Masterson said...

How is there an entire book on women controlling their anger?

It should be one page.

Step 1: Shut the Mouth

Fascinating post nonetheless.

-Dick, http://www.MenAreBetterThanWomen.com

2:45 AM, July 06, 2007  
Blogger Oligonicella said...

Trey -- Post an opinion that she's interpreting words a little too uber-feminist and watch.

8:36 AM, July 06, 2007  
Blogger TMink said...

Olig, that sounds cool! I gotta do it!

Trey

9:47 AM, July 06, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dr. Helen is good at controlling her anger! Well, maybe she gets a little angry at bad women. But she is never angry at men. Men are good!

1:38 AM, July 11, 2007  
Blogger br549 said...

Please? Puuhhleeze?!? Just one......

Can't I feed just one?!?

12:13 PM, July 11, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just wondering, Dr. Helen: do you see anything redeemable about Dick Masterson?

12:57 AM, July 12, 2007  
Blogger Jamie Hannah Oliver said...

I have known a married couple for over one year now. She is verbally and I believe physically abusive to him. He has to be in his 50s, and same age for the wife.
It is so sad....how she publically humiliates him, and he continues to take it. Day after day. Close to 20 yrs. of marriage.
They go to my church.

She puts on this "holier than thou" act, which disgusts me. I can see through it like an open window.

The devastating part is that I have fallen in love with this man, but he will never leave the abuse. I see bruises and marks on his face all the time. I understand that some strong-Christian men will stay with wives due to fear of consequences from God. However, I love him. We have a deep connection. I do not want to see him hurt anymore. Any suggestions? I am doubtful that he will ever get enough courage to move away from this unhealthy relationship.

Am open to any advice/comments.

3:44 PM, September 28, 2007  
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