The Power of Touch
The other day I went to get a massage and the regular female massage therapist I usually saw was out; I was presented with a male therapist which was fine. I have no qualms about the sex of the massage therapist as long as they are good. However, I did notice that although the massage was technically very good, it just did not feel "right" to me. Afterwards, I tried to think about what it was that bothered me and hoped that I was not some type of sexist who just didn't want a male therapist. But that wasn't it. I realized that it has more to do with the body type of the person and the kinesthetic feel of their hands and touch.
It reminded me of a guy I went out with in my twenties who just didn't feel right. He was really nice looking and a great guy, but he was very wiry and thin--and he just "felt" wrong to me. I talked to one of my male friends about the experience and told him that on paper, the guy was terrific, and there was chemistry, I liked him but his touch was just somehow wrong. My friend was involved with a woman who also should have been perfect for him but the first words out of his mouth as he listened to me was "She doesn't feel right. She should but she doesn't."
I wonder how important touch is in keeping people together--I am not necessarily talking about sex, for you can have great sex without great touch. I mean, the kinesthetic quality of someone's hands when they touch you or wrap your hand in theirs. I think that perhaps for each of us, there are certain body types and ways of touching that feel right to us and others that just don't. It would be interesting to do an experiment where couples were asked to honestly appraise their first experience holding hands and how they felt. I wonder if the divorce rate would be lower among those who felt that the experience was like coming home versus those who remember the experience as unremarkable.
What amazes me most, though, is that people will ignore this very primitive but useful information when deciding who to live with, or even who to marry. For when hard times come during a relationship, and they usually do, falling back on the kinesthetic qualities that brought you together in the first place is a good place to be.
It reminded me of a guy I went out with in my twenties who just didn't feel right. He was really nice looking and a great guy, but he was very wiry and thin--and he just "felt" wrong to me. I talked to one of my male friends about the experience and told him that on paper, the guy was terrific, and there was chemistry, I liked him but his touch was just somehow wrong. My friend was involved with a woman who also should have been perfect for him but the first words out of his mouth as he listened to me was "She doesn't feel right. She should but she doesn't."
I wonder how important touch is in keeping people together--I am not necessarily talking about sex, for you can have great sex without great touch. I mean, the kinesthetic quality of someone's hands when they touch you or wrap your hand in theirs. I think that perhaps for each of us, there are certain body types and ways of touching that feel right to us and others that just don't. It would be interesting to do an experiment where couples were asked to honestly appraise their first experience holding hands and how they felt. I wonder if the divorce rate would be lower among those who felt that the experience was like coming home versus those who remember the experience as unremarkable.
What amazes me most, though, is that people will ignore this very primitive but useful information when deciding who to live with, or even who to marry. For when hard times come during a relationship, and they usually do, falling back on the kinesthetic qualities that brought you together in the first place is a good place to be.
posted by Helen at 6:31 AM
54 Comments:
In other related news, I hear Phrenology is set to make a massive come-back. Stay tuned for details.
flint's gunner,
Lighten up.
This isn't meant to sound sappy, but how do you talk about stuff like this without sounding that way? It's just a fact that the first hug I recieved from my now husband was warm and all-enveloping. It was just a hug, but it was a very nice hug that seemed to fit me, and I did get a clue that this was going to be a good thing. I didn't think the others in my life felt like they didn't fit, but after that moment looking back in retrospect, they didn't.
Typical. If I do not display proper reverence for your remarks I must 'lighten up'. If I object to institutionalized misandry I am urged to 'lighten up'. If I decry Womyn being given preferential treatment in college admissions or the job market, I will inevitably find a finger wagging in my face, along with the now thoroughly threadbare injunction to 'lighten up'.
One cannot help but wonder when the average female physician will heal herself??
I agree. Hard to describe, but some people you'd just rather they keep their meat hooks off you. It's got to be instinctive.
I've been happily married for 15 years, and my first experience holding my husband's hand wasn't great - he was nervous and his hands were cold and sweaty.
So, although I agree that the way you feel about "touch" tells a lot about how good you can be together, sometimes it may take a few more attempts to make sure your perception is right ;-).
Wow. What a troll. Accusing Dr. Helen of supporting "institutionalized misandry". Perhaps he should read a while before offering his opinions? (Hint: usually, the baseless accusations go the other way; Dr. Helen's support of males is interpreted to be misogyny, as if somehow if you support fairness for men, you are against women.)
Trolls are to be ignored, as we are learning and re-learning daily. Perhaps, to some I'm a troll at times. But I'm a darned good looking one.
Touch. Can't describe it. Yes, all important. It says a million words in an instant. My ex (and many years ago, mind you) could walk up behind me in a crowd in the middle of the mall, and lightly touch my shoulder, and I knew it was her without turning around, without question. At one time, such a special, special lady.
flint's gunner,
If I was saying that women should get preferential treatment in college and the job market, I would expect a backlash or some pretty angry comments. If you check through my archives, you will see that I have never supported any such thing. I do not believe women should be given preferential treatment, so I am not sure why you are bringing that up.
As far as this post, it is sappy and a bit "pop psychology" but just something I was thinking about, no need to agree with what I write but I do have the right on my blog to write something sappy or pop once in a while if I prefer.
And by the way, I am not a "female physician," I am a psychologist.
i dislike touching anyone, flesh to flesh, i hate skin touching, i dont like shaking hands.
i am better with my fiancee, but she i can touch, others i cant, even my brother and mum, i cant touch their hands.
but then again i suffer from static, i am more prone to static shocks, and so my sense of touch is more sensitive.
All I know is that whenever a man rejects a woman - for touch, smell, personality, appearance, whatever the reason - he is supposedly at fault and guilty of something criminal. It is OK to steal from, assault, etc. him.
Whenever a woman rejects a man - for any reason - it is because he is a loser and there is something wrong with him. This is a remarkable false dichotomy - everything is OK when the woman gets what she wants, it is a tragedy when she doesn't get what she wants. Men are either losers or criminals, depending on whether the women get what they want.
Tactile fit is what we are talking about. How the pressure, texture, speed, and warmth of the other person fits with us. I just know that my wife's hand fits in mine, and that she is a joy to touch, hold, and hug. It does not make me love her, but it confirms our fit.
She is reading over my shoulder and says my hand fits in the small of her back just perfectly. Sentiment is not the same as sentimentality. I do not find this topic sappy at all.
Trey
Touch is extremely important, something we lose sight of in a media-drenched culture, where we are bombarded by images that are, well, images.
Touch reaches levels of the mind that sights and sounds do not. I've long wondered if psychologists, who focus on therapy through talking, should consider the effect of working with other sensory modes than sight and hearing.
Granted, the notion of routinely touching your patients for therapeutic purposes raises non-trivial issues, but that does not mean that the concept has no value. That fact that the standards of the profession are in opposition to this notion may mean that psychologists prefer not to think about these issues. After all, they, too feel things when touched.
If I do not display proper reverence for your remarks I must 'lighten up'. If I object to institutionalized misandry I am urged to 'lighten up'.
Dude. Lighten up. Jesus.
Frankly, I think what he wrote was light, as in levity.
My wife's touch was nice, her hands were wonderful and all of that. Didn't help. Touch is no indicator of anything but touch. People remember their fond mate's touch with some reverence. How about the previous spouse's? The relationship that didn't work? Was that not a good touch?
Aren't different people supposed to have different dominant sensory modalities? That is, some people react more strongly to, say, smell than they do to touch or sight, etc? If so, maybe that explains our different reactions when touching our s.o.'s
Common wisdom has it that men are more visual than women. I think I'm more auditory than visual.
Who knows?
By serendipitious coincidence, some of the complexities of "touch" brushed upon in para.1 came up here- http://standyourground.com/forums/index.php?topic=13230.0
Captdmo,
That's an interesting topic thread--especially the part where men wonder why it is okay for a woman to touch them but not vice versa. I have heard many men say that women come up to them at work,straighten their tie, touch them on the chest or even squeeze their pecs, and not give it a second thought. Many women, OTOH, would probably be offended if a man did the same, especially in a work situation. There is definitely a double standard--something that women are not even aware of, but should be--maybe men should start filing sexual harrassment suits.
Oh, hell yeah. A guy at the bank I worked at had to do the sensitivity counseling thing when he tapped a woman on the side of the upper arm because she was standing, jawing in the middle of a narrow corridor and either didn't hear him or ignored him repeatedly. Saw the incident, nothing odd by him.
I hate to sound new-agey, but some people have the touch, and some don't. I've met very sexy looking women, shaken their hand, and been turned off. I've also met women who were only moderately attractive, but whose touch -- even if it was just brushing their fingers as they handed me something -- was electric. I think you're better off marrying "electric."
On the women-touching-men thing, amen. There's a complete double standard there.
Kinda’ like when Laura, in “The Good Shepherd”, decides she “can’t do it” (the wild thing) with Edward after she asks him to get them a room on the night England and France declared war on Germany.
She chose wisely by saying “I can’t.” Years later when they met again for a short affair, she still didn’t understand what her intuition had saved her from. Her feelings, which came out the first time they really touched, directed her to the right path for her; even though she never knew it.
I would want to know if there is something "objective" about it not feeling right. Iff one guy or girl got consistently rated "bad" hugger by the various huggees I wonder if the reason could be identified.
As a massage therapist, it is interesting what different people require and enjoy. Most women that I know enjoy being massaged by a woman. Not because she is female but because there seems to be a gentleness and connection somehow. Having said that though, there are great male massage therapists out there that do a wonderful job with men and women.
I agree with the type of skin a person has and the "fit". I'm not sure that some really think that through.
Interesting post.
Dr. Helen,
You above all people should have noticed by now that your most erotic organ...
is your MIND!
While touch is important there is also how people feel, i.e., the energy they give off, to others. But this energy and the specifics of their touch are restrained until they understand the persons they are interacting with. There are those, usually women, who interact openly with those they just met. Most people, especially men, learn to be circumspect in how they touch someone unknown.
Dr. Helen's masseuse may have been more technical to avoid giving the impression of undo familiarity to a woman he'd just met. A woman, who unexpectedly ended up with a male practitioner. Future visits might have changed how his touch feels as the comfort level increased. I have found it takes a couple of session before I become comfortable with a new masseuse, regardless of their gender. Massage is not a good career choice for men as they have trouble developing clients. Men and women generally prefer a female masseuse. Not to mention it is a man touching a woman, an act fraught with legal legal risk even for a professional.
We live in a society where touch has become taboo, especially for men, except when sex is involved. As such our interactions may not feel "right" initially but the lucky overcome these inhibitions as they come to trust that special person. The fortunate find pleasure in the touch of that person even when arousal is nowhere to be seen.
Was in the same situation a few years back, but found the male massueuse gave a 'better' massage. Stronger hands. Worked the muscles longer.
I kept my same schedule with the female I had been seeing, but added a few extra session with the male, especially during the summer months when I was working out more. It was a good balance.
I agree about the power of touch, and think it's simple physical likes and dislikes, not that there's anything wrong with that. Some need chunkier guys to feel safe in their arms; some like wiry and flexible. Some like slender women; some like more meat on the bones. It's like noisy/quiet and may relate back to the family you were raised in.
I wonder if those who report being moony at first holding hands maybe didn't have as much physical contact in general as those who don't remember that one. Obviously kissing is different, but I wonder if hand holding would be more special if a person had less physical touch with that person before the hand holding.
Men and women generally prefer a female masseuse.
I'm not so sure about that. For an athletic or more intense deep tissue massage, I'd go with the man's hands.
Dr. Helen: There's something in what you say. I read your comment and thought immediately of an ex-girlfriend.
There was nothing wrong with her and yet her touch gave me the creeps. She touched too lightly, so she was just touching the tops of the hair, which is really uncomfortable. There was more to it as well, something I can't put my mental finger on.
I may not be able to define it, yet I do know what you are talking about.
BTW: On the touch thing. I REALLY do not like to be touched by women without my permission. Very few women can understand, very few indeed.
As Dr. Helen says, it is a double standard and a BIG one.
My very best friend, occasional lover, has exquisite hands - there is a luxurious warmth that emanates from them. I'm not so keen on his kisses but his hands, my God. Unfortunately, he feels put upon when I plead with him to lay his hands on me. We had to laugh together last week when I dreamed that he had given me a full body massage - something he has never ever done. How can he be so stingy? It goes beyond stingy, he torments me. He loves to take twenty to thirty minutes to apply expensive lotions to his own feet ----all the while muttering "hmmmm, so gooooood." The bastard.
Myrtle wrote: "I would want to know if there is something "objective" about it not feeling right."
You know, objectivity and logic are two constructs that most of the world does not acknowledge. I am not picking on you or your post, but it just hit me when I read it.
Is my experience objective? I think it is if I say "I do not like the way he hugs" instead of "He is a bad hugger." Perhaps the "objectivity" is lost when we try to generalize.
Trey
He's / she's "got the touch".
We've all heard that said. So I guess that although it can manifest itself in the physical, in many ways, it doesn't necessarily eminate from there.
Brain fart. I get them all the time.
Maybe that's where the statement "your idea stinks" comes from.
My sister is a masseuse, but I've never had a professional massage.
serket,
Many people haven't and in fact, some people do not like them. I think it is just a personal thing. Some people feel uncomfortable being touched by a stranger. I used to give family and friends gift certificates for massage and sometimes they would not use them, I found out later that they were just not comfortable, so I quit. I realized that though I enjoy them, they are not for everyone. However, you never know until you try it.
serket, I am a massage therapist and I think you should at least try it once. It is not only wonderful but there are so many health benefits to a good massage.
Viola Jaynes,
It is especially important for those of us who are on the computer often--probably more than we should be. I assume you see must see many more clients with computer type injuries these days-my right shoulder and arm are in constant pain from using a keyboard so much but massage along with physical therapy stretches help alot.
one person did try to massage my neck and shoulders, they were studying massage therapy, and since it wasnt skin to skin, (i know thats not how it was but i prefer a barrier like thin cloth), he said he had never felt anyones muscles as tight as mine. he couldnt do anything.
my fiancee has tried, but she has never relaxed my stressed shoulders at all.
i hate all this touching mania at the moment. shaking hands ok, i rarely do that, but its something that has to be done. but when women kiss or try to kiss me on the cheek, it grosses me out.
i read in some churches in america particularly, they have a shaking hands thing in the sermon, that would creep me out.
some people dont like physical touch, i like my fiancees, but no one elses..
"i read in some churches in "they have a shaking hands thing in the sermon, that would creep me out."
Yup, turn around and shake your neighbor's hand! Peace be with you!
It is a bloody drag, and apparently a recent innovation so I have no qualms about complaining.
One of the reasons the church and I parted ways a while back. They do seem to insist on a certain amount of on-demand back-slapping jolly displays of fellow-feeling with total strangers. I concluded that there may have been a couple of folks in the congregation who really were that happy about being saved, but the rest of 'em were just faking it. Peer pressure. Who needs it?
I wasn't happy and I knew it, and I refused to clap my hands.
I'm surprised you could sit in the pew with that stick up your backside. Relax dude (or brother!) it's a handshake. Your hand's not gonna smell like brimstone upon touch.
Well, to paraphrase - my heart belonged to Jesus but my ass belonged to...well, somebody other than Jesus.
It's not really anything to do with church people. They really made new folks feel welcome. I'm just not very sociable and forcing it was kind of uncomfortable. The congregations I was involved with were really into fellowship and spreading the Good News. In this atmosphere, I felt totally out of place.
I think I should have been a religious hermit or something. Unfortunately, Protestants don't really do that.
You can touch me any time Dr Helen.
its a problem with me i know, but there are other people who dont like the touch of other people.
its not so much its anti church with me its anti anything to do with touch. its not a phobia as such, i just hate touching other peoples flesh.. (i dont touch my mums, or brothers, or cousins, strangers, priests, friends, why cant some people understand that)
Ah Yes touching in church ... 'The Peace.' I dislike it, rather strongly dislike it.
It's nothing to do with brimstone or fear of germs or fear of anything. What gets me is that according to 'them' I have no choice. I do not like being touched by women without my permission: I DO NOT WANT TO BE GRABBED!
It is a part of why I stay away from church.
When I was in college a guy I knew who was phenomenally successful with women advised me to touch women early and often. He said, "If you don't, she's always going to think of you as just a friend." I believe he was on to something but I have a great sense of personal space and I have often thought it enormously invasive to touch people. It probably delayed the loss of my virginity for several years.
Things must have been different then. I think that today you'd get expelled for sexual harrassment just for giving that advice, never mind following it!
bilwick, you are absolutely right. So many men suffer through years of sexual frustration because socialization has made them too timid to unapologetically create a physical connection with a woman. I learned this the hard way. But the truth is, somebody has to be the one to initiate touching, intimacy, and (hopefully) sex, and if we aren't up to it, most of us are going to have to wait a long time for the other side to break the ice for us.
I think everyone has the right to not be touched. It is a personal preference, and tolerance for touch is likely an inborn trait. Accepting that all people have idiosyncratic boundaries is common sense.
Trey
This is getting confusing. Is it still ok to touch myself?
The same also applies with smell.
Some people more than others...
"It reminded me of a guy I went out with in my twenties who just didn't feel right. He was really nice looking and a great guy, but he was very wiry and thin--and he just "felt" wrong to me."
Wow. Story of my single life (having been one of those "skinny" guys up till approx age 28).
I am pleased to report however that marriage tends to "thicken" us up quite a bit!
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