...remember that men are not the enemy.
A somewhat decent (though still a tad self-centered) article in the Village Voice: "Dear Single Women of NYC: It's Not Them, It's You." The plight of the single lady (via Newsalert):
But I'd argue that it's not about being picky. It's about having all of these options, and not knowing how to choose from among them, or whether we even want to. It's about the years of being told we can have it all, and suddenly being deeply afraid to admit that that house of cards has been a sham all along because no one really gets to have it all. (And so, the self-professed adamantly anti-marriage Elizabeth Gilbert—who ate, prayed, and loved her options into a bestsellerand a Julia Roberts movie—ultimately "caved" to marrying her foreign-born partner so that he could live in the U.S.)
Everyone has to make choices. This isn't to say that if you want a successful career and to be a wife and a mom, you can't do it. Nor that you can't do it fairly well. But inevitably, you'll have to give up one thing for something else. Why should you settle? Because that's what all humans do when they make choices....
Once you know what you want, narrow the options, make your choices, and go for it. But until you do, embrace not knowing. Make New York your playground and stop complaining about how single ladies have it so hard in this city. Along the way, remember that men are not the enemy. Many of them are reasonable and good and not at all the brutes we've made them out to be, even if they don't want to marry us (and some of them do).
posted by Helen at 3:13 PM
42 Comments:
because no one really gets to have it all
Ding-ding-ding! We have a winnah! That's right, no one gets to have it all. So suck it up, buttercup, and makes your choices.
my 7 month old bernese/husky cross makes razor sharp decisions in the face of all forms of distraction all day long.
he knows better than to put his paws on the counter, so he sits patiently while we eat because he because he knows he will be fed in turn, and know his place.
he knows better than to bite the cat too hard while playing, because he knows the feel of my boot up his ass if he makes the little guy squeal.
he knows better than to try to chase squirrels while he`s on the leash because he get`s ripped off his feet if he tries.
he is seven months old and he`s a dog and he understands consequences and good, better, best action paths...but i have a feeling that, if i let him off the leash he could still run into traffic if he saw a cat or a squirrel...so i realise he is a work in progress.
Hooray for Elizabeth Gilbert. Of the many reasons given for marriage, gaining a green card, lowering taxes and covering medical bills are about the only rational ones.
Sex, love, and companionship can surely be had without marriage--probably even better.
Do single women out there still truly not understand that marriage is a losing proposition for men? There is absolutely nothing that a man can get from marriage, that he cannot get just as easily outside of marriage.
Our divorce laws make marriage a totally unreasonable institution for a man. "I do" = say good-bye to at least half your belongings, your children, in many cases, your livelihood, your future earnings, half your retirement (at least), your peace, your sanity, your Constitutional rights... remember that old saying "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Well now, thanks to the feminazis and the Family court system, we can change that to "why set yourself up to continue paying over and over and over for the cow, long after she quits giving any milk... when you could get as much milk from as many cheap and available sources as you can imagine, being willingly offered to you".
Especially in New York. It seems that women there have become so desperate that they will happily throw their self-respect down the crapper while madly throwing themselves at men... and all of this simultaneous with the built-in background buzz that men are evil, no-good, worthless, "poisoned" by their own testosterone.
And they are puzzled that men don't want to get married. Guess they never taught Connect-The-Dots in any of those college Womens Studies courses, did they?
I remember several first dates when the woman managed to work into the conversation the fact that she didn't cook, do housework, or laundry. I'm sure I made some bland reply, but I thought to myself, "Who brushes your teeth for you, Princess?" and "What can you bring to a relationship besides laziness and a bad attitude?" and "I've been on my own since I was 18 and I do all of those things without whining. They're part of life." I made the date as interesting as possible, but that was the end of that.
A doctor friend of mine had the short version of JB lament.
Find a woman you can learn to hate in ten years and buy her a house. There is no need to get married.
To Stosh2:
Those women probably thought that they might as well get the bad news out of the way right up front, rather than waste more of your time or hers.
On those rare occasions when I "date", I typically bring up the contents of this column:
http://www.sptimes.com/News/061800/Perspective/Can_it_truly_be_Fathe.shtml
Unsurprisingly, things usually end badly.
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I have to admit that I have had it with all the whining already. People seem to have too much - too much money, too much time, too many fantasies not tied to this world. If you want to marry an actual person, that person will have flaws. If instead you want to marry a fantasy then you can demand and get perfection. You just won't have a human relationship.
The real dream is thinking that - except for the rare and lucky ones - things are ever going to change between men and women. For the better, that is. A couple of very old friends have been married 36 years this week. The kids are long grown and gone. They don't speak, they rarely go anywhere together. They just rattle around a big old house, living alone, together. They've too much to lose by splitting up, and after all these years, neither of them have any idea about how to live any other way. Well, exist. Because that is all they are doing.
One could read the last line in the Village Voice piece:
The other night, I had drinks with the ex who'd passed out in that planter underneath the Manhattan Bridge. We hadn't talked in about three months. He bought me two glasses of wine, touched me on the shoulder, and told me I looked "unbelievable." I knew I could do it all again if I wanted to. Options. Drama. Will I? I'm not narrowing them yet.
According to the article, settling for anyman is a great idea when you are desperate to get married and make babies. But from the looks of things, it doesn't look like writer, Jen Doll, is willing to settle for the guy who passed out in the planter. I wouldn't either.
(warning; generalisation)
young girls hormones are playing ping-pong with their brains and only think about babies, a place to nest and whatever mook will foot the bill...even if his hat is on backwards. (walmart.)
soon women get jaded by the cycle of boys who brag, bully, bribe and beg,even though they did what you asked to make you happy, and turn to asset re-allocation strategies for a hobby.
by the time the dust settles and a woman realises that oil of olay is a scam, they are dreaming of the days when....
and we get blamed for it along the way, and so my suggestion is keep your expectations low, be grateful for what you do have...and get a dog.
and not one of those high strung little yappy assholes that make you look like a pussy when you walk it.
perspective.
go walk your proper-sized dog that you trained yourself, that doesn`t have bows or bandanas or booties in the winter and be grateful.
For a quality companion a woman can find one either the animal shelter or the homeless shelter. Either way she'll find plenty of friends at either location that will be willing to accompany her home and appreciate what she has to offer with very few complaints.
For a quality companion a woman can find one either the animal shelter or the homeless shelter. Either way she'll find plenty of friends at either location that will be willing to accompany her home and appreciate what she has to offer with very few complaints.
I think if a lot more young women learned to soberly evaluate 'what they have to offer', a lot of the problems that make headlines on Dr. Helen's blog would evaporate.
Mike, perhaps you could tell us all what a man has to offer that would bring value to a woman's life in 2011. I'm all ears.
Cham,
Lots of women have "careers" because of the current political climate. The Department of Education has many fine examples of what I am talking about. They don't contribute a thing to society, but they draw off lots of money from taxpayers who do contribute.
In essence: Real added value. That's what women have to get out of men. It's just hidden more today with the tax and social situation.
All men disappear, and you want your drain unclogged. And Draino doesn't work, but the last cans of it are disappearing in the stores. The Department of Education can issue a paper on the Patriarchal Aspects of Male Plumbers Who Always Earn More Than Females Doing Comparable Work ... but they can't unclog your drain.
Everything decays in the female-only utopia.
The reason you can't see any usefulness of men is because feminists and their male enablers (probably for sex, bottom line) have disguised it quite well.
Men have value.
Look at who gets patents.
They are over 90% men, and the women who get patents get things like "Method of exercising a cat by shining the flashlight up and down the wall".
That's not the real title, but in essence that is a real patent that was issued to a woman.
Pretty much the same as things like cars and computers and airplanes and scanners and laser printers and antibiotics and satellites and cell phones and all the rest of the shit that men have developed.
Cham is just insulting, without a clue as to what she is talking about.
1) What is preventing a woman from unclogging her own drain? 2) What special skill are born automatically in men that make them expert drain uncloggers?
Cham, we honestly don't know what prevents women from doing their own plumbing. They just don't.
Cham, I had a girlfriend in college who was borderline feminist. Her major was social work.
Never again, but that's a different story.
She had the same line of reasoning. In fact, she CONSTANTLY said that women can change their own flat tires. She drilled it into me.
So, as college students, we were traveling along in my ultra-crappy car at that time.
POW. Flap-flap-flap-flap. Flat tire. On a back road.
I told her to show me how she could fix a flat tire. She got out went to the back of the car, and then came forward and started screaming at me not to play games.
I changed the tire, and we were on our way. Looking back on it, I didn't want to totally humiliate her because I dully, maybe unconsciously realized I wouldn't get any reasonable sex for several months if I did that.
But today, I fully see how women manipulate.
And your absolute ignorance of what men produce in this society is not pretty, Cham. It sounds like the hate-filled spewings of a person who is unable to see reality and simply hates an entire gender.
And how about patents and all the rest of the innovation that takes place in society? I'll give you a hint: It's really almost exclusively men. I've been around the block, so I've heard the feminist responses. A WOMAN invented Kevlar, the bullet-proof vest stuff.
Well, look at the real patent. It was a woman in a group - of men - who invented Kevlar. I'm sure she was the major figure, though.
The other response of feminists, which Cham is probably going to use, is that women aren't ALLOWED to invent stuff.
The joke, though, is that there really are men who work a full-time job, support a sit-at-home nitwit woman who watches Oprah and bitches, and they perfect an invention over years in the garage. It really does happen, but I have NEVER heard of women doing that. And if she can't because the man is dominating her, I've heard that divorce is not rare.
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Actually, I had an opportunity to get a patent once. I worked for a battery company and found a way to increase the sensitivity of a gold/platinum/hydrogen sulfide battery that was used in carbon monoxide detectors. I suggested the company NOT make the patent because the patent application would simply alert our competitors in France and Japan to the methodology on how to make the battery more sensitive. There would be no way to prove that the competition was using my process. Another challenge was that I had already been admitted to graduate school with a scholarship and I didn't want to wait around to submit the patent application and, lastly, I had an agreement with the company where I worked that if I ever did any research that would result in a patent I would only receive a dollar in compensation.
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But this isn't about YOU, Cham, and how wonderful you are.
Why don't women get patents in general?
I know you're super-smart and "THEY" were preventing you from getting a patent with their stupid assignment agreement, but why do men get most of the patents IN GENERAL?
Patents from men: approx. 90%, from women: approx. not many.
Conclusion: Men are scum and don't contribute anything. Like women do.
My name is on a patent; it is the only woman's name, along with three men (no, it's not Kevlar). I am proud and honored to have contributed.
I change my own tires (and change my own oil). I do my own plumbing. And electrical work. And other minor house repair. And my own yard. I taught all of my daughters to be self-sufficient and do the same.
Most of the men I dated throughout the past nearly two decades of single womanhood were horribly "emasculated" by the fact that I know how to do the "manly" things. Too bad. I have some pride. "Intimidated" was the other word I heard a lot.
I stopped caring after a while. I realized that I could be one of those wussy "pink" housefraus who had little to offer the world beyond what they could contribute to the economy by spending their husband's paychecks... or I could be me. I chose me.
Only one of my super-competent, well-educated, self-sufficient daughters is married; the rest are single. I'm married now, too. To a man who knows how to change his own tires, and oil, and fix his own plumbing and wiring. Sometimes we work on that stuff together. Most of the time, we talk about cool stuff while we are working together. He's a great catch... but I seriously doubt if any of those New York women would give him a second look. Their loss, my gain.
It's possible to bridge the "divide" between men and women. I think a lot of that bridge is built with respect. Self-respect (of which there is very little), and mutual respect. I think both of these can be earned when people of both genders step up and work, and learn, and contribute, and produce... and when they are willing to look and acknowledge the working, and learning, and contribution, and production of others as well.
Until then, it'll be gender wars, and political wars, and other finger-pointing blame wars... that's easier than climbing into a pair of coveralls and changing a tire (or discovering a patent, or building a house, or, or, or).
Mike, perhaps you could tell us all what a man has to offer that would bring value to a woman's life in 2011. I'm all ears.
Cham,
My wife and I offer each other plenty, and I know many happy couples in similar situations.
My point was that many women nowadays seem to feel entitled to Mr. Right, without any obligation to be Ms. Right. The juvenile, self-centered mindset this sense of entitlement creates is a major component of all the destruction you see discussed on this website.
A man always has to have something of his character to offer a woman- though sometimes cheap charades will do for a sweaty night with a bar tramp. A beautiful woman can get by primarily on looks until she hits 40 or so. Past that, she better have built a genuine relationship with a man or she'll be missing out on the joy and companionship a good marriage can provide.
Unfortunately, many young women aren't taught they have to bring more than their looks and their pussy to the table while they're adolescents, and there's no need for them to learn otherwise until they can no longer get by on God's gifts.
By that time decades of entitlement fed by distracted eager suitors has left her ruined. As her looks run out, new men no longer have interest in her, and she blames men for her inability to find the love that human nature requires.
Let's say there are two sorts of people out there (male and female)- degenerates who play games with their hearts and genitals while they're young, and never learn how to be a good partner, nor how to identify and keep a good partner.
Then there are folks who look up and down the road and accept what posterity has taught us about adult life. We seek a good spouse, hold that spouse and themselves to constructive behavoir, and form a lifelong partnership.
You seem completely oblivious to what two sane adults can gain from a marriage they take seriously. I don't pretend I can start to explain it to you.
(Pardon me for mixing up my tenses. It's past time for me to hit the hay.)
"My name is on a patent; it is the only woman's name, along with three men (no, it's not Kevlar). I am proud and honored to have contributed."
------
Sure, but that doesn't change the fact that women in general don't seem to be big contributors with regard to innovation or engineering.
I was trying to show Cham that men are not completely worthless. The problem today, after societies instituted taxes and wealth redistribution and socialism and all the rest, is that the work of men is no longer immediately evident.
If Caveman Grog built a thatch hut, Cavewomen Grogess can directly see what he contributed as she moves in.
But maybe Cham doesn't even hate men, she just likes to provoke people and say irritating things. A bit different hobby.
Cham said...
"appreciate what she has to offer with very few complaints."
Cham. Western women don't have anything to offer any more. They are MASSIVE liabilities. They are also liars and hypocrites in the main. Two and a half years ago my fav#1 said to me "you could make a woman very happy". I asked her "and what would this woman have to offer me?" Her face dropped and she didn't reply.
When we were deciding to go our separate ways about 4 months ago? I asked her if she remembered me asking her that question. She said yes and that she realised that she had nothing to offer me. I told her:
"What I was looking for was your answer. And the answer I was looking for was that you could keep house, cook nourishing and interesting meals, be a friendly and talkative companion, be good company, and, of course, make love on a regular basis".
She looked ASTONISHED...she immediately said "But I CAN DO all that! Easily!" And I said "Yes, I know you can, but what you told me was that you won't."
Men have very low expectations of women because women have trained us to do so. Our expectations are now so low we don't want women in our house any more. The liabilities FAR outweigh the benefits. Remember 5% is the new 50% if you are a man.
Wow. There's an awful lot of hate in here, and no, I'm not talking about Cham. How on earth did the issue of patents come up except as a way to say something curmudgeonly about women that would seem to be well-founded because it had some semblance of a statistical basis? It doesn't seem to have anything to do with the story.
I came in to note sarcastically that it was nice of the author to admit that men aren't brutes and (indirectly) that we aren't obligated to choose between wanting to get married or being bad people. But I started reading the comments and couldn't stop. Frankly the level of anger is overwhelming.
My wife and I went through some very hard times, mostly of our own making, and I've wondered how we got through it. We aren't geniuses or anything, after all. I'm starting to think we just plain liked each other more than a lot of couples do. If this thread is any indication, maybe it's more accurate to say that we don't hate each other. Yikes.
Cham said...
"Mike, perhaps you could tell us all what a man has to offer that would bring value to a woman's life in 2011. I'm all ears."
Money. Or have you not heard of alimony and child support. Women abuse their children as mutilated beggars in order to get money from men. IN THEIR TENS OF MILLIONS. So don't be bullshitting about what women want from men Cham. They want money. f***ing gold diggers.
Helen? Why do you put up with trolls like Cham. Is it part of your clever plan to expose just how horrible western women are? Because Cham is clearly a complete bitch.
Don said...
"Wow. There's an awful lot of hate in here"
Why don't you take your 'hate' lies and shove them up your arse, eh? I'm really sick of arseholes claiming 'hate' when all men are doing is presenting evidence. I have a place for arseholes like you. It's my mangina hall of fame.
http://www.peternolan.com/Forums/tabid/420/forumid/57/scope/threads/Default.aspx
Why don't you learn about the crimes committed against men, especially fathers, before you open your 'hateful' mouth and denigrate men by spewing 'hate speech'....because claiming 'hatred' where none exists IS hate speech. It's what ALL the wimminz and manginas do.
JG said...
"Why don't women get patents in general?"
Because women are as dumb as rocks and they have ZERO ability to innovate.
Evidence? When men were circumnavigating the globe women had still not innovated tongs to forceps thereby condemning tens of millions of women and children to excruciatingly painful deaths. Wimminz like to talk about the 'sacrifice' so many women made 'dying in childbirth' when MOST of them were due to the stupidity and ignorance of women in the first place.
Men, mistakenly, believed that if there was ONE job in the world that women MUST know how to do better than men it would be child birth. Men, mistakenly, believed that since ONLY women had babies they MUST know more about this. bbbzzzzz. Wrong. Women can f*** up ANY job and that includes childbirth. Pretty much ALL innovations to make childbirth the safe procedure it is today were invented by men.
My first post here as GM was the very provocative 'women have the intellectual capacity of 7 to 10 year old boys'. I put it here to see if Helen would 'bite'. She didn't. She showed a bit of class. But the fact remains. Women have the logic, math, reasoning capabilities of 7 to 10 year old boys. They live in a fantasy world of make believe. They actually can't tell fact from fiction just like small children. The more I observe women? The more I observe this to be true in the VAST MAJORITY. Check it out for yourselves guys. Women act and talk just like children the MAJORITY of the time. They are engaged by trifles because that's the mental capacity they have. Shopenhauer hit that one out of the ball park.
I don't think that young women in NYC are good proxies for women generally. I'd lived, and dated, in the city long enough to recognize that the local culture of single women is somewhat eccentric, and tends toward the extremes.
A big factor in enabling this, I think, is that young women in NYC can exist in a social bubble where there are very few older women, though plenty of attentive older men. Women over 30-something seem to just disappear - often to the suburbs. I think that this creates the impression, for young women, that their youth is going to be more enduring that it actually will be. So they hang onto adolescent attitudes and behaviors longer than they should. Unfortunately when 30 something hits, they're not ready for it, and things can get ugly.
"Along the way, remember that men are not the enemy."
Like THAT piece of advice is going to be accepted...
She looked ASTONISHED...she immediately said "But I CAN DO all that! Easily!" And I said "Yes, I know you can, but what you told me was that you won't."
Maybe she just didn't think that was of any value?
As to the original article, it reminds me of something I've seen before. Women going to the most expensive areas in cities they can manage.
Is it for finding men who can afford living there?
Don said...
"Wow. There's an awful lot of hate in here"
Why don't you take your 'hate' lies and shove them up your arse, eh? I'm really sick of arseholes claiming 'hate' when all men are doing is presenting evidence. I have a place for arseholes like you. It's my mangina hall of fame.
http://www.peternolan.com/Forums/tabid/420/forumid/57/scope/threads/Default.aspx
Why don't you learn about the crimes committed against men, especially fathers, before you open your 'hateful' mouth and denigrate men by spewing 'hate speech'....because claiming 'hatred' where none exists IS hate speech. It's what ALL the wimminz and manginas do.
Right. No hate there. Don't know what I could have been thinking. Carry on.
I assure you that I will not again interrupt your Crazy Time.
Don, stick around a bit. After awhile you get to know who will go off when you disagree with them.
Trey
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