Monday, September 14, 2009

Lies or Self Preservation?

I was listening to Neal Boortz this morning and heard him talking about new research that shows men lie twice as much as women. I thought his point was good. Boortz felt that men were probably "lying" to their wives in response to questions such as "Do I look fat?" And indeed, when I looked through the main reasons men lied, most had to do with placating women:

1.Nothing's wrong, I'm fine

2. This will be my last pint

3. No, your bum doesn't look big in that

4. I had no signal

5. My battery died

6. Sorry, I missed your call

7. I didn't have that much to drink

8. I'm on my way

9. It wasn't that expensive

10. I'm stuck in traffic


I think that often men lie because they will get a very severe response from women if they tell the truth. For example, if a woman says, "What's wrong?" and rather than reply, "I'm fine," the man says, "You are driving me crazy and I need some time away from you," there is a good chance the woman will make him pay dearly for the remark. I don't know about you, rather than lies, I think many of these quips are more like self-preservation.

70 Comments:

Blogger DADvocate said...

Pretty funny list. The big butt question is one of the classics.

Does this dress make my butt look big?

No, it's not the dress.

3:44 PM, September 14, 2009  
Blogger Francis W. Porretto said...

"I think that often men lie because they will get a very severe response from women if they tell the truth."

He who believes this about his Significant Other should rethink either his attitude or his allegiance.

If I were convinced that the truth were more harmful to my well-being -- physical, mental, or emotional -- than a lie, I'd change my spouse. In other words, "I know not what course others may take, but give me veracity or give me celibacy!" Granted that a lot of men might find that hard to live with...but the alternative involves keeping very accurate records of your own statements!

4:55 PM, September 14, 2009  
Blogger jimbino said...

And whenever your woman asks which of two paint colors you prefer, you have to say you don't care. The alternative is surely picking the wrong color and paying dearly for it.

4:59 PM, September 14, 2009  
Blogger Trust said...

Francis W. Porretto said... "He who believes this about his Significant Other should rethink either his attitude or his allegiance."

Either you are not married, or you are blessed with a good wife.

For the majority of husbands, they married a woman who they could communicate with and formed an allegiance. Her attitude became far less tolerant and hostile after. (There are many reasons for this that I won't go into here.)

To rethink his attitude may invite a firestorm into his home. To rethink his allegiance will cost him dearly--he'll lose his children, and quite possibly pay huge bucks for his wife to move someone else in.

Your advice would be great if the laws were not so biased in favor of women. Men have much to lose and little to gain by standing their ground. Women have much to gain and little to lose by villainizing their husbands and divorcing him.

6:20 PM, September 14, 2009  
Blogger Trust said...

I do agree that men probably lie more, largely to keep peace.

I do think, however, that women manipulate more. They cry, they feign anger or hurt, they tell you stupid things like "a man doing the dishes is sexy" or "I'll be happy if you ___" (and if you refuse you don't want her to be happy).

Of course, women lie to. Unless, of course, you really believe she's had a headache for 6 solid months or is somehow turned on by a man pushing a vacuum.

6:23 PM, September 14, 2009  
Blogger highlander said...

Trust -- you said what I was going to say. Francis has a good point, but unfortunately for many of us, we didn't know we couldn't be truthful about certain things until after marriage, and as you point out, by then for most of us it's way too late.

I'm a good guy. I don't cheat or go places I shouldn't or do things I shouldn't or drink too much or any of that stuff. I have nothing to hide from my wife, but I have learned the hard way that if I tell my wife the truth about certain things -- especially my feelings if they're at all negative -- then I'd better be prepared for two or three weeks of significant pain.

Helen is right. I want to be a truthful person with my wife, but it just isn't worth the hassle -- especially since she's made it so clear that she really doesn't want to hear the truth.

6:36 PM, September 14, 2009  
Blogger Adrian said...

Trust said: "Francis W. Porretto said... "He who believes this about his Significant Other should rethink either his attitude or his allegiance.""

Or, he is Schitzophrenic....

I find that one is often overlooked....

7:08 PM, September 14, 2009  
Blogger Professor Hale said...

I think that there is a level at which the lie becomes institutionalized and people are expected to do it at the risk of being rude. "Thank you for the thoughtful gift, it was perfect. I have always wanted a stuffed groundhog."

7:52 PM, September 14, 2009  
Blogger Trust said...

@Adrian:

Perhaps, but more than likely, he just is like many men before marriage who think women are more loving and kind than they really are. I hope he's just married to a good woman... I wish people happiness.

I heard stories my whole life that "she changed." I never believed it. I never believed people changed overnight. I wasn't married long before I knew what they were talking about.

Yet, let me say, I still don't think people change. I think people's behavior changes based on circumstance, yet I don't believe they change.

We do it all the time. We're more likely, in a bar, to stand up to a frail man than a biker. Two different people can do the same thing to you, and you react different.

Women would never treat a boyfriend as poorly as they do a husband. He can dump them and they have no recourse. Yet, once you invite the law in through marriage, if a man doesn't put up with it, he may soon find himself kicked out of his house and away from his kids, but still footing the bill while another man lives with his kids.

Dr. H. is right that much of the minor male lies are to placate women, but there is also another reason. It's not that he's afraid to tell her the truth or wants to placate her, it's just that he's been berated by her so long about so many little things that he's turned her out and listening to her is just not worth it to him.

8:05 PM, September 14, 2009  
Blogger Adrian said...

There is a fine line between justification and a mental construct that enables one to "be appropriate" or "get along" and an even finer line between the latter and what many people consider to be "delusion". What many people consider to be a "fantasy", some people think of as simply being thorough.

8:58 PM, September 14, 2009  
Blogger BeltainAmerica said...

I always wanted a stuffed ground hog too Prof. Hale!!!

11:38 PM, September 14, 2009  
Blogger Jessica said...

To commenters:

Why do husbands let themselves be berated?

When the wife starts, why don't they tell her they don't like her response, and ask her to work on it?

If she wants him to work in himself, she ought to readily accept she can improve as well.

It is pretty easy to be a victim though...

To Dr H: love your posts!

3:14 AM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger JG said...

Jessica:

Because if a married man stands up for himself in today's climate, he could very well find himself put out of his own house, paying over a substantial chunk of his paycheck to his ex-wife, and seeing the kids when (and if) she decides that.

That is truly how things are in family court, and that is truly where things will lead if Princess isn't treated with the commensurate awe and fawning.

Now if your next question is why men get married in this environment, I want to know that too. I have no idea.

In any case, please remember that men are in a DIFFERENT situation than women. Marriage is not a commitment at all to women, they can simply leave and the question is usually how much of the man's stuff they are going to take with them. It's the opposite for men: They HAVE a commitment, and the court may well order monthly payments or an asset transfer to the wife to honor that commitment.

4:11 AM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger JG said...

I have run across some men who apparently WANT to be in a harness. They work 8-10 hours a day with the boss telling them what to do, and then come home and have the Dragon tell them what to do.

I understand why those masochistic men (or maybe they want "structure") got married. As for the rest, I can only assume that they did not know what they were getting into.

4:13 AM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger br549 said...

"But sweetheart, the fact your favorite form fitting dress makes your ass look like two ground hogs in a gunny sack is beautiful to me."

Don't forget tact.

4:24 AM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger Tether said...

Jessica's next question will be: "But why do men marry women who get a fat butt 20 years later, couldn't the men have foreseen that was going to happen?"

4:43 AM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger randian said...

I want to be a truthful person with my wife, but it just isn't worth the hassle -- especially since she's made it so clear that she really doesn't want to hear the truth.

I believe that our culture teaches that women's views, concerns, and "truths" are more important and more valid than men's. It is not surprising, then, that she doesn't want to hear you. I liken it to when an adult dismisses the opinions of a child.

5:09 AM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger Tether said...

Men are there to work and provide for the women, not to give opinions.

5:19 AM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger J. Bowen said...

To Jessica: here's one (not married) man who doesn't let anyone berate him. I've had one girlfriend who attempted to treat me like garbage. She slapped me in the face and found herself doing a very hard face-plant into the ground as I put her in a restraint hold. Needless to say, that was the last time we saw each other. Every other chick I've dated took me seriously when I told them that I wouldn't let them disrespect me. Granted, my situation is different because I'm not married and know some of the police here, but I don't think I'm too different. I simply nip the behavior in the bud before it can become a problem. I have a zero-tolerance policy for disrespect of any kind and so don't let myself get disrespected.

To Dr. Helen: there's a book out there called Tell Me No Lies, written by a few "experts" and psychologists. I've not read anything else of theirs so I don't know if this book is the odd one out, but I think it is pretty good. The subject of the book is...you guessed it...lies. It was recommended to a caller on The Tom Leykis Show (by Tom) and I went ahead and bought it as well (his recommendations were generally pretty good). The caller to whom he recommended it to described herself as putting her husband in situations where he was all but forced to lie.

7:17 AM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger JG said...

"She slapped me in the face and found herself doing a very hard face-plant into the ground as I put her in a restraint hold."

---------

I hope you realize that, if your girlfriend had been more persistant and vindictive, you could well have gone to jail for that or at least had a prior for domestic violence and some other trouble.

A lot of jurisdictions DON'T CARE if she slapped you beforehand.

Just some words of advice.

7:25 AM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger JG said...

My personal attitude is: I'm not going to do any remote thing that will put me in the "system", but I am frankly happy when other men provide some much-needed consequences to the actions of out-of-control spoiled American princesses.

7:31 AM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger dr.alistair said...

while it is true that some women will cut your fingers off reaching for the gold, even though they said they wouldn`t, and actually believed that they wouldn`t.....there are some who know better.

robert j. ringer wrote a book many years ago called winning through intimidation wherein he spoke about types of people in business who will take your shit.

what jg and tether are referring to are women who see marriage as a pay-as-you-go proposition, as they would see any other service provided.

you can tell these types of women a mile off.

they are generally hair-and-nails types, surrounded by similar girls...weddings on week-ends, re-doing the kitchen in the fall, white bmw convertable....

...or, at least they aspire to that.

and you find out by asking.

and listen.

and accept the answer.

she may be physically attractive, self assured, and pleasuring..but she has dreams of independence.

that is; seen as doing it on her own.

that is the ticking time bomb for a loving relationship.

if she doesn`t see you as the man, then pretty soon she won`t want to see you.

but here`s the other thing.

you`d better be that man.

the pussification of the modern male drives women crazy...at the same time that many aspire to thier own independence.

do the dishes in a frilly apron if you wish, but don`t be expecting her to get cranked about it in any real way.

7:51 AM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger Adrian said...

It's not just that women can put you out of your own home. It starts with dating. Men pursue women. That is a fact as old as time. It is just the way it is. I can speculate as to why that is, but all that really matter is that it is and that it will never change.

So, that means that women have a lot of de facto power in any relationship. Think of it as a business deal where one partner can walk away any time they want to. There are always a million other people out there that will instantly partner with them legitimately or illegitimately if they want to. They don't even have to try very hard -- all they have to do is say yes. That puts the other partner in a precarious position.

It's not just that the sought after partner might leave them and choose to partner with someone else. In fact, that's the least of it. They can do all sorts of things in and between that diminishes the outcome for the less sought after partner. They can just not make good on their end of the deal in any of a myriad of ways because the deal is not enforced by the rest of society -- neither legally nor socially.

In fact, it has become almost "the in thing to do" to break the deal in various ways. It shows how enlightened and liberated you are while making good on the deal is seen as aiding in the oppression of women. So, no, a man generally cannot tell his wife to just go "work on her personality" when she acts like a jackass. She's an adult. The fact that she is acting like that already indicates her unwillingness to do so.

8:38 AM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger J. Bowen said...

Luckily for me, I don't happen to live in one of those jurisdictions. The DA and officers here, while far from perfect, are at the very least reasonable.

11:27 AM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger Evan M. Thomas said...

My ex-wife used to love to put me into impossible verbal situations such as, "do you think that (super model) is prettier then me?"

Wrong answer #1: Yes
"You don't think I'm pretty!"

Wrong answer #2: No
"Liar!"

So I found myself avoiding talking to her at all.

11:38 AM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger dr.alistair said...

yes! refusing to answer the first stupid question is the first step to....well, the rest of your life.

11:44 AM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger JG said...

The "conventional wisdom" is that women are the open communicators and men won't open up.

My experience has been that women are more likely the "open manipulators", and men start getting that drift - maybe unconsciously - and learn shut up because it's not going to help him any.

I saw with numerous examples that simply being straightforward and honest just bounces off a lot of women. For instance: Live-in girlfriend, no kids, just quits work and lives off you. You tell her directly that you don't appreciate that and she should eventually find a job. The answers with some women will be along the lines of "other men want their girlfriends/wives to be at home" and "lots of other guys would be GLAD to support me" and "you are [fill in an imperfection that turns it back on you]" and on and on. Top liberally with screaming, crying and tears, and bake until you sleep on the couch.

Anything but talk directly about whether she is going to get a job or not, if it is fair to leech off you etc.

11:47 AM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger JG said...

I saw a cartoon once with a man and a woman sitting on a couch (apparently husband/wife). The wife was saying, "I want you to open up -- I need some more ammunition to use against you".

11:50 AM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger dr.alistair said...

but jg.. a direct question, if i may...

would you like to find a reasonable partner to share your life with?

12:00 PM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger JG said...

"would you like to find a reasonable partner to share your life with?"

----------

I'm not going to get married. I am just fine with the companionship and sex I have available now.

12:03 PM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger JG said...

I think I have a different view of women than many men. They are just people / human beings. They aren't goddesses in a white dress up on a pedestal, and I won't be paying my (financial) homage to them in that way.

12:05 PM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger br549 said...

adrian - I know this is old, but it's still true.

A man chases a woman....until she catches him.

That's why I like this blog. Every time my mind clouds up thinking about the perfect woman, I am reminded of the reality of it all, by a simple post or two.

12:17 PM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger JG said...

Here's an interesting article that at least tangentially relates to this:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1213212/The-ego-epidemic-more-inflated-sense-fabulousness.html

(just copy the link and then paste it into your browser)

12:59 PM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger tomcal said...

I never lie. And no, your butt doesn't look fat.

1:27 PM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger tomcal said...

It's generally not that the butt is too fat but that the boobs are too small. Life is all about balance and proportion.

1:31 PM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger Nom dePlume said...

Dadvocate,

Thank goodness I wasn't drinking anything when I read your response.

I have a general problem with articles that talk about how often people tell lies. Complimentary remarks that are not literally true ("It's a lovely gift") don't really count as lies in my book, because there is no malicious intent.

Falsehoods told to avoid detection of wrongdoing, or in an attempt to exploit or harm others, do qualify as lies, as far as I'm concerned.

3:11 PM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger Adrian said...

This principle of innate freedom already involves the following authorizations... his being authorized to do to others anything that does not in itself diminish what is theirs, so long as they do not want to accept it -- such things as merely communicating his thoughts to them, telling or promising them something, whether what he says is true and sincere or untrue and insincere...."

--Immanuel Kant, The Doctrine of Right

(Kant is normally famous for saying that one should never lie. But, it seems like most people don't really understand what he is actually talking about in all that.)

br549: I think I will have to remember that saying. I think it is more true nowadays than ever.

4:08 PM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger Memphis Steve said...

No offense, but sometimes women are just plain scary.

5:10 PM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger theotherjimmyolson said...

Quite the collection of whiney, two year old losers.

7:38 PM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger Mark said...

I am sorry that so many of your fathers never told you this but write the following response down, keep it in your wallet and repeat it verbatim whenever your wife or girlfriend asks if she is getting fat, if some garment makes some part of her less attractive or anything similar, reply:

"Of course not dear. You are even more beautiful than the day I married you (or we first met -- if not married)."

Any other reply means grief for you. The only question is how much.

9:18 PM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger Aurelian said...

Why deal with the bullshit. For me I have it perfect. Alot of sex and some companionship when needed. Other than that....

9:45 PM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger Pete said...

Once I got past the point where I could be led around by my gonads by a woman, placating them became a lot less important.

You'd be surprised how much a response like "Not brave enough to hear the answer? Then why ask the question? Don't like it? Doorknob, ass, way out, some assembly required. And be quick about it because I have to arrange a date for tonight" really reduces the histronics.

10:23 PM, September 15, 2009  
Blogger Joe said...

Another reason; to curtail conversation. Not out of guilt or hurt feelings, but just so you don't have to talk about whatever.

For example, say you feel like shit. You go to work. Someone asks "how are you today?" You say, "fine" and the conversation is done. If you say "I feel like shit," they will either feign interest, or worse, they will have actual interest and expect you to emote and other crap. (Or you accidentally say "I hate this job" and get "laid off".)

BTW, I can't really do that with my wife. She's learned to read me really well. But she's also learned that sometimes I don't want to talk and she usually picks that out too. Unfortunately, every now and then our subtextual signals get crossed and we become annoyed at each other. Such is life.

Oh, and this is very genetic; my brothers and I all get it from our father who makes us all look like open books.

12:49 AM, September 16, 2009  
Blogger br549 said...

From Kindergarten Cop: "Men have a penis, women have a vagina." Spoken with great eloquence by a young boy in the movie. It's also the gorilla in the room.

5:50 AM, September 16, 2009  
Blogger salvage said...

You are very smart.

7:42 AM, September 16, 2009  
Blogger Fen said...

"If I were convinced that the truth were more harmful to my well-being -- physical, mental, or emotional -- than a lie, I'd change my spouse."

Its not always that simple. My own wife is very easy-going and forgiving, but I routinely lie to avoid drama. I'm the child of two alcoholics. Its a survival pattern.

7:51 AM, September 16, 2009  
Blogger Play Dough said...

"If I were convinced that the truth were more harmful to my well-being -- physical, mental, or emotional -- than a lie, I'd change my spouse."

Yeah, because divorce is REAL easy.

8:07 AM, September 16, 2009  
Blogger Locomotive Breath said...

Men are too literal. They think a wife asking a question actually wants information. I have learned to always answer a question with a question.

One of my favorite replies is "do you want my actual opinion or are you looking for affirmation of an opinion you've already formed?"

Works like a charm. I don't get so many questions anymore either.

8:28 AM, September 16, 2009  
Blogger C5Many2Go said...

I was once taught that there's 5 ways to answer a question - and it's really good to remember this:
1. Truthfully (often not a good way)
2. Falsely (also not a good way)
3. Answer a different question (a political favorite)
4. Answer with a question (my personal favorite)
and I forget the fifth - maybe someone can remind me.

9:59 AM, September 16, 2009  
Blogger dr.alistair said...

a woman asks questions of someone she cares about to recieve all the good feelings she has come to expect from that person.

sheesh.

if she asks about the dress....tell her you love her, reach out and put yours hands on her and kiss her for more than 30 seconds....and you`ll both get what you want.

and the dress will be forgotten.

locomotive is after his expected responses with his clever answer....and his wife gets hurt, when she could be smiling.

and is not having any more questions really a charm?

i love questions from my girl. they lead to me putting my hands on her....etc.


does man`s man = misogynnist?

1:15 PM, September 16, 2009  
Blogger Locomotive Breath said...

"locomotive is after his expected responses with his clever answer....and his wife gets hurt, when she could be smiling."

So my goal in a marriage is supposed to be to keep her smiling no matter what indignities I have to suffer? Er...no.

That question to a question has forced my wife to be more self aware and honest with herself about why she does things. I think that demanding an answer to a question when you didn't really want an answer or for which there is no "right answer" is manipulative and just as hurtful. It puts your husband in a "no win" situation and forces your him to lie to you for fear of incurring your wrath for getting it "wrong".

1:31 PM, September 16, 2009  
Blogger Tether said...

"Dr." Alistair:

1. Your advice sounds like something from a 16-year-old boy. Just say whatever she wants to hear, and do whatever she wants, and then you get to kiss her. Oh-boy, OBoyOBoyOBay. I hope I score.

2. With all the instruction and advice you give on being a man's man, you sound like you are really concerned about being a man's man. Hint: You're starting to sound a bit silly. Your man's man bit rings hollow.

2:33 PM, September 16, 2009  
Blogger dr.alistair said...

ok so, firstly;

locomotive, you are with the wrong girl. you can`t be her therapist...helping her to become aware of her language. she will just wake up angry and resent you.

get her the book "i`m ok, you`re ok". she can read it in her own voice on her own time, and she may get something out of it that can benefit you both. i hope so. sincerely.

she was with you so that she can play the game of "ask the question". if you call the game, it will change.

you can only change you.

..and secondly...tether. what the hell do you know about being well in a relationship?

all i hear you on about is how women hold back from you, or try to take things from you unfairly.

the transaction i describe is between two people who are playing a loving game, not a manipulative one.

it`s you who wants a woman to do whatever you want and tell you whatever you want to hear...without all of the other "complications".

between me and my girl we have dealt with the "not ok" stuff of past relationships, betrayal, lies, etc.

the only real advice i will ever give is to look at the woman who you are communicating with and ask the tough questions first.

like, for instance, how come you have a big house and a new bimmer, yet you only work part-time as a bookkeeper?

or, how come we`ve been seeing eachother for two months now, yet you still have an active lavalife account?

and those are only examples. your experience may differ.

if you broach issues such as that you will find someone who you can be compatable with.

otherwise you will be dissapointed.

oh, and by the way, tether? in the bit about kissing....she`s kissing me back. she was looking forward to the kiss all day. we texted about it. we`ve been flirting with eachother for a year and a half.

real. live. rock and roll.

and funny you mentioned 16....

...i`m 49 next month but i feel like sixteen, now and again.

3:09 PM, September 16, 2009  
Blogger Locomotive Breath said...

alistair -> You missed the part where she's already changed her behavior. If you refuse to be manipulated the manipulating behavior just sometimes stops. She used to try the old "waterworks" routine to get what she wanted. MOST women do. I'd tell her that when she calmed down, I'd come back and talk to her. Haven't seen the crying routine in a long time. Many years later I heard her admit to my sister in law that "crying didn't work". Took a little conflict but so what?

When I was in graduate school I was the big brother of a sorority. By that time I was no longer interested in those undergraduate girls. Once they figured out that I wasn't going to "hound dog" my way around the sorority and that I could be counted on to show up sober and behave myself and that I keep my mouth shut, I got asked out all the time. Someone always needed a date and I never said no, so asking me was a zero risk proposition. That level of trust having been established, you'd be surprised the things they told me. As a result, I sometimes do, in fact, know what women want. It's just that I'm not always willing to give it to them. Further, I know exactly how badly some of these girls were willing to treat their boyfriends.

Funny that your profile says
"i work in helping people to change behavior"
I guess you think that someone has to be a psychotherapist to do that? Notice the part about graduate school. I have a Ph.D. too but I don't trade on it especially on the internet. But I'll make an exception for you. From now on I expect you to call me "Dr. Locomotive Breath".

3:37 PM, September 16, 2009  
Blogger Tether said...

"I have a Ph.D. too but I don't trade on it especially on the internet."

------------

Further, I have noticed the people with "real" doctorates (i.e. not in the "soft sciences" or multidisciplinary doodly-do, or women's studies or the like) don't make a big show of calling themselves doctor.

But all the social science, "studies" people, psychology people and all the rest of that crap are shoving it right up in your face any time they get a chance.

And specifically, with regard to "Dr." Alistair, he says he's "working on" a doctorate. Meaning he doesn't even have one.

Strange world.

3:46 PM, September 16, 2009  
Blogger Tether said...

Alistair is just infatuated because he's in the first few years of a new relationship.

That's it. That's all.

But he's building it up to be some big Romeo and Juliet story, and that's due to simple immaturity in life. Pathetic if he's really going to be 49.

Report in on your giggly, flirty love in 10 years, Alistair. And in the meantime, grow up.

3:48 PM, September 16, 2009  
Blogger Locomotive Breath said...

not in the "soft sciences"

Indeed (as Glen would say). Right first time. I'm an engineer. Locomotive! Drives a train! Get it? The only time I insist on "Dr." is the university faculty setting with my students.

4:47 PM, September 16, 2009  
Blogger Cham said...

IMHO, it's best to tell the truth and take the consequences. I like to sleep at night, even if whatever I have to say causes discomfort to others. It's done, it's over. I am aware that other people feel differently.

6:53 PM, September 16, 2009  
Blogger Adrian said...

Yeah, I think you are painting somewhat of a rosey picture, myself, dr.alistair....

the transaction i describe is between two people who are playing a loving game, not a manipulative one.

Well sure. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all get to that. Of course, you think you are playing a loving game and you hope that she is, too. How often does it turn out otherwise despite everyone's best intentions?

if you broach issues such as that you will find someone who you can be compatable with.

Sure thing, buddy! It's all so simple!

7:46 PM, September 16, 2009  
Blogger dr.alistair said...

locomotive. i had missed the bit where she had changed...and that`s good. tears for effect are irritating. the book would help though.

and i never insist on doctor and wouldn`t use the term in practice. i haven`t completed my studies either. it`s just a badge that came about from blogging for the last six years.

tether.....i`m infatuated with my cat also, but i know what he really wants.

i`m infatuated with trees also. beautiful, miraculous things. so much so that i paint them.

i`m infatuted with a series of old cadillac cars, all of which i no longer own, who`s pictures i look at occasionally.

my girl though, i would like to think means more to me than mere infatuation...and so would she.

love starts somewhere.

it`s based on honesty, trust and walking the walk.

building it up is part of the game.....

grow up? to what?

what is the opposite of flirty, giggly love?

miserable griping about confiscatory hags that spend more money on hair and nails than i do on italian shoes.

i`ll take the giggy, flirty for a thousand alex, and hope i never ever grow up.

and adrian, the master cynic....broaching issues early is critical to quickly discovering what so many complain about finding later in a relationship...and it takes real guts.

especially if you think she`s hot.

women suffer from this same problem with handsome men. if more of them would ask simple direct questions of someone they just met, there would be less contractual issues.

but glandular responses prevail.

and yeah tether, i`m gonna be 49 in october.....6 foot 2 inch 210 pounds 9% body-fat. soccer 2/3 times a week, 150 km a week on the road bike.

all stared with my imagination, about what could be....at 40.

and nearly ten years on, apart from some knee pain, i`m still going strong.

and there`s more, more of what it means to being a person than criticism. i love this life and, while it has it`s challenges, the rewards far outweigh the negative.

it depends where you look.

7:07 AM, September 17, 2009  
Blogger JG said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

7:33 AM, September 17, 2009  
Blogger JG said...

The combination of this phrase:

"and i never insist on doctor"

... and this phrase:

"i haven`t completed my studies either."

... sure is interesting.

If you don't have a doctorate, I find it wise that you don't insist people call you doctor.

You couldn't make this stuff up.

7:34 AM, September 17, 2009  
Blogger Locomotive Breath said...

"the book would help though"

Not the introspective type. Needs to have attention focused by some other means.

See that's the thing about offering advice to people you've never met.

8:37 AM, September 17, 2009  
Blogger dr.alistair said...

i suggest the book as a matter of course to my clients.

thought it might have been some use in your case.

i was in a relationship for 15 years, and in counseling at the end she inventoried a list of things she wanted from a man, none of which i was or could be....i merely said that i wished she was happy.

i realised that i couldn`t change her and so i left.

i found a girl (eventually) who was already happy, who knew how to be happy and recognise happiness in others.

how`d i do that?

i kept asking tough questions of dates and was honest about my life and who i was, and walked away from hair and nails types who were looking for the next money ticket, and eventually found a girl who smiled and laughed and worked hard and was grateful..and blah blah blah.....and i don`t want to change her and she doesn`t want to change me.

jg, the term came about in the process of blogging and i would and will never use the term in a one-up situation.

i`ll leave that to those interested in parsing comments and missing most of the message....

12:32 PM, September 17, 2009  
Blogger Dave Cornutt said...

LB, I've known many Ph.D. physicists, engineers, and mathemeticians, and I concur that they hardly ever use the title outside of academia, where it's expected. Most areas of industry don't have much use for titles.

BTW, that was an interesting pun concerning your screen name... I had assumed it had something to do with Jetrho Tull.

3:36 PM, September 18, 2009  
Blogger Locomotive Breath said...

Dave, Jethro Tull too but the reason why is too obscure to try and explain.

10:22 PM, September 18, 2009  
Blogger br549 said...

One of my favorite albums in its day was "Stand Up". Last I heard, Ian Anderson owned a catfish farm in Scotland (I think Scotland), although Tull still performs at times.

You've piqued my curiosity about a statement you made mentioning the introspective type. I've been trying to understand myself my whole life, and can't seem to get a handle on it.

6:56 AM, September 19, 2009  
Blogger Locomotive Breath said...

Ian Anderson is still out performing.

http://www.jethrotull.com/

"introspective type"

Well, I'm not sure what you mean about you, and I don't know you so I'll not comment.

What I meant with regard to my wife is that often she tends impulsively to act first and NOT think later and does not realize the impact her behavior has on others. When it's pointed out to her she often fails to see the problem and usually takes offense. Let's just say she's highly unlikely to voluntarily sit down and read self improvement books and progress has to be accomplished by other means.

12:52 PM, September 19, 2009  
Blogger Bob Belvedere said...

Linked to at:
CLEANING OUT THE CACHE

6:43 PM, September 20, 2009  
Blogger MarkD said...

My wife's native language is Japanese, so I get to plead language and cultural differences. I nearly ended up in the dog house because of some weird misinterpretation of something I said. Luckily, I noticed that she was, from my point of view, overreacting to my words, and we managed to clear it up.

On topic, I can truthfully answer that she is still slim and trim.

6:26 PM, September 23, 2009  

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