Gift or Burden?
The Guardian has an interesting article about a woman who gave her husband a gift of sex every night for one year and then wrote a book about it entitled 365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy:
What do you think, if your spouse offered you sex every night for a year, would you take it or leave it?
When her husband turned 40, Charla Muller couldn't decide what to give him, so she offered him guaranteed sex every night for a whole year. Could they manage it? And what would be the effect on their marriage?
What do you think, if your spouse offered you sex every night for a year, would you take it or leave it?
Labels: interesting books
posted by Helen at 7:39 AM
62 Comments:
Unless, and even if you knew it was coming, you didn't know when, where, or how, I'd probably leave it. In days gone by when I was married and we were deeply into each other, the places and times we were "struck" had a lot to do with it. My ex (wife at the time, and early on) naked in the moonlight, or sunlight - there are no words. All my kids were conceived in such instances. If there is anything I could write a book about, that would be it.
Unromantic, predictable and more than likely a scheme for a bestselling book and a spot on Oprah.
This book has all the class of a Donna Reed blow-up doll.
I'm struck less by the nightly sex and more by the fact that she wrote a book about it. I don't think I'd care for that at all.
But the article is interesting, especially the different reactions of other people.
I'm single and fifty-six. I don't think that I'd be up for sex every night with anybody, no matter how sexy, nice, or otherwise desirable she was, but I think that I'd be very touched that my hypothetical wife wanted to give it to me.
Gee, the "gift" of a year of sex from an over-40, dopey-looking woman.
Couldn't she have made a doily for him out of construction paper or something instead of that for his gift?
Hmmm. I'm not 22 any more. Sounds like work, not pleasure.
The points the article makes about the wife's need for control and domination are very good tho. A lot of women would benefit from reading and heeding.
Tether.
I assume you're looking at the same picture I see, where her husband is smiling at her and has his arms around her.
Maybe he loves her. Maybe he sees beauty when he looks at her. Maybe he'd rather have sex with a real woman than a barbie doll. That's just totally outside your experience, isn't it? How sad.
Laura:
Is your self-assigned role to play the constantly insulted, affronted American woman who has to teach others how to behave?
Lots of things seem to be "really sad" to you. Cheer up a bit. Have a drink. Don't take yourself so seriously.
I get the feeling you and your husband are both pretty lucky, laura.
Maybe I'm a wuss at heart, but that's just about all I've ever really wanted - well, that and a wood working shop.
By the way, sex and sawdust is right up there with sex and sand. One has to be careful. Or two, as the case may be.
br549:
Let me guess, you don't have very much money.
You don't have a good flow of money going, like a physician or established attorney or manager.
Because if you did, you wouldn't be pining away in the way that you are doing about having a relationship. They would come to you and be knocking on your door.
And the problem is, when you have a good flow of money going, is that you then see what it's all about. What a relationship really is.
But please quit wearing your desperateness on your sleeve. If you want a relationship, get your butt out there and earn more money.
If BR549 wants a relationship all he needs to do is meet more people. Not everyone cares about money.
I would give the same advice to a fat, unattractive woman who wants to have a relationship. Lose weight and take steps to make yourself more attractive - that's what will bring in more men.
Men have to meet a minimum level physically, but with them the money is the bait. Talk to men who have exploded faster than average in terms of making money - it's almost disgusting how women behave, even married women (yes, Mr. married man, maybe even YOUR married woman).
Some professional basketball players have talked about sleeping with 20,000 women. Gee, it must be their sensitiveness and kind understanding that draws in the women.
Cham, the last thing a man should do is take advice from a woman about relationships. What women say is not at all about how women really act.
That's one thing that I know for sure.
A lot of men on death row for murder have talked about getting thousands of letters from women - some with serious marriage proposals. An example was the serial murderer Ted Bundy - women were crazy for him.
That does not jibe with what women say they want, but it jibes (on a more extreme scale with those extreme women) with what women seem to actually want. This plays out on a far less extreme scale every day.
What men have to do is to realize that women are just women. Who cares, frankly. Don't let your self esteem be measured or set by women's opinions. Please read that last sentence through several times.
Tether: You sound really really happy. [/snark] You do a great job of pissing all over conversation.
Tether, you are revealing yourself today.
Yes, men, if you want a "relationship" with a shallow, selfish golddigger, then get some money and flaunt it, and look for a woman who takes excessive care for her appearance. By all means ignore any real woman who crosses your path. You might screw up and find yourself happy.
And for women who want a "relationship" with a flow of money, Tether has some good advice.
Br, my husband and I do feel pretty lucky. I never have been a beauty queen on a good day, but he looks at my middle-aged self and tells me I'm beautiful. I think we're in it for the long haul.
Reality is sometimes unpleasant, "Mike Wilson".
I'll go back to talking about baby ducks.
"By all means ignore any real woman who crosses your path."
---
And Laura, what YOU don't get, with all of your entitled attitude, is that women are just women. They aren't what some of the desperate men here are making them out to be. Bejezus. Women are just women - don't let their opinions determine your life (mostly they don't even KNOW what their opinions are, because they change from day to day).
WC Fields: Women are like elephants: They are fun to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one.
P.S. (for the further hate that will come my way): I am happy and content in my life - men should think about looking at what women really ARE and not what they are built up to be.
In summary: You just are not that important. Certainly not as important as the entitled, bossy American woman considers herself to be.
And ... I'm not advocating at getting an extremely good-looking woman either. They are even more selfish and self-centered. Why put up with it?
If we are not that important, why are you going on and on about us?
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Some professional basketball players have talked about sleeping with 20,000 women.And you actually believe that.
I don't see anything wrong with guaranteed sex. If the couple is into it, what is the big deal.
Money? Admittedly, a lot of my money and one of my daughters, are in their 7th year at university. But money is not my problem.
The reason I am not in a relationship isn't because I don't have a glowing personality such as yours.
I avoid contact with others concerning personal relationships, even with a few friends and acquaintances who have gone out of their way to "fix me up" more than once. They finally backed off and let me be in that department. I'm pretty much a recluse, self imposed, but getting tired of it. Nothing as of yet appeals to me. Including advice or opinion on the matter. We of Irish persuasion are impervious to therapy.
But I don't think I'm quite as pissed at the world as you seem to be.
Charla Muller looks cute enough to me. Like Ern, I might be able to but wouldn't necessarily want to have sex every day but it would be nice to have if desired.
I find it interesting that a Christina woman came up with the idea from reading the Bible. Liberals love to portray Christians as prudes but I've seen studies which show conservative Christian women have great sex.
I believe the idea interesting...but what it elicits from comments tells us a lot more about the readers than about the post itself.
I'm only 27 and even I wouldn't want sex every night. I want it when I want it and don't want to be bothered with it on days that I don't want it. My girlfriend always seems to want sex when I don't and it bothers me to no end. I've actually had to throw her off of me on several occasions because she simply wouldn't take no for an answer. Prior to her, I always thought, most likely as a result of not getting enough sex, that I would want sex multiple times a day every day. Now I know that there is too much of even this good thing.
...as always, she offered the arrangement; he can accept. Or not. Choice. Reminds me of Larry David (show), when his wife gave as anniversary gift one night of an affair (but not any after that one shot)...somehow, it never was done, though the thought and attempt was there.
Not to take this discussion back on track or anything, but I did this for my husband after hearing about it somewhere and thinking it was sweet. And it was a guarantee of sex every night he wanted it. That didn't mean if he wasn't in the mood I was going to force him, but it also meant I would not say "no."
After realizing I was truly serious, he no longer felt the need to get it on every single night, because he KNOWS that I will be there to receive him happily when he's in the mood.
It wasn't that I was intentionally not having sex with him, but rather that I just don't need it like he does. So, once we get started I find that I GET in the mood and it's a quite pleasant way to spend a half-hour or so.
I think every woman should try it!
Now for you housewives out there - your husband's gift to YOU is going to be giving you your allowance for a WHOLE YEAR (bit by bit of course).
A few months back, I went through a very tense mood. My wife promised me sexual availability every night for some indeterminate period of time. For about three weeks, we had sex about five times a week. The biggest problem was getting our seventeen-year-old off to bed (little kids aren't the biggest impediment to sex; teenagers are, especially in a townhouse.) My wife's period, sickness, being overwhelmed with girl scout cookie delivery caused a drop. I miss it; not the frequency as much as not having to freaking guess if she's in the mood or not.
Don't spend it all in one place, girls!
This thread is entertaining. I must say my experience more or less validates Tether's comments. And I am now a self-imposed recluse. But I'm just waiting. I know when I will not be single anymore, and it will be of my choice.
As for sex every night, I could do it, but I don't think I'd want to. I did for a while when I was married, and the half-hour sex turned into nightly workout sessions lasting hours on average. It was good, but exhausting, to the point that I didn't want it to happen.
Most definitely a gift.
"...not having to freaking guess if she's in the mood or not."
Joe: Here.: )
Ha ha, MB, I was thinking exactly the same thing.
It's pretty arrogant for a woman to "guarantee" sex to her one and only sex partner.
Women need sex in their lives at least as much as men, and yet, here is this angel lowering herself from the heavens and bestowing the gift of her golden vagina upon her lowly, sexual beggard of a husband.
What an insult.
I'd say "thanks" and "guarantee" her a $10/week allowance for a whole year!
I'm sure the wife would enjoy the irony of receiving an equal insult. Or, perhaps, a more equal insult would be for the husband to guarantee that he will actually find her buns of cottage cheese to be sexy for a whole year. At that stage in life, her sex drive is screaming along at full blast while his is not nearly as strong as hers. If she would have offered this at 25 years old when he needed it... but now, at 40 years old, I suspect that it is SHE he needs to be reassured that she is still "screwable" 365 days a year.
At this point in life, his status is much higher than hers. Essentially, if you reversed the situation, it is like an 18 year old teenage boy guaranteeing his 17 year old girlfriend that he'll be horny every night for a whooooole year. Lol!
Bachelors around the world are snickering at this emasculated wimp of a husband who lets his balls reside in his wife's purse.
At my age and with my experience, I'd be suspicious. One thing is, on the odd nights that I honestly didn't feel like it, there'd be a hidden clause that says, "you pass by once, it's over".
As other commenters stated, it would be mechanical and no romance. And no fun.
Did she give him the gift of sex w/ herself or someone else?
What a fine gift. I like gifts, where appropriate, that are hand-made. But the gift of self would be a true prize! It is so intimate and special. I am not sure if I could keep up, or if she could, and I am sure there might be times were we would have to be apart. Sometimes, really, it might be the thought that counts.
Kevin M --
"This book has all the class of a Donna Reed blow-up doll."
How dare you besmirch my Donna Reed blow-up doll.
Whoa. Who figured all this would come from that little post?
Trey
I'm put off by the whole book part of this arrangement.
Good sex with someone that means a lot to me is incredible and I miss it. Life seems to create this mine field between some couples for a bazillion reasons. I have had a foot blown off and am gun shy. That's really all I meant to say.
Trey, I have learned my lesson. Does anyone want to discuss woodworking tools?
The dance of true intimacy is so far beyond the offer of "sex every night" that I can't help thinking this is simply another way to get attention and money.
And it is working!
br549, pal, please forgive me for painting with too broad a brush. I respect and enjoy what you write. It is usually personal and always engaging. I was not writing about you at all and I regret my sloppiness. Honestly, I felt the sorrow of your loss and did not know what to say in response. I was referring to the hateful posts, not yours, not at all. Mea culpa.
And I am not worthy in discussing wood working tools. That talent skipped me. My dad did his own iron work in his spare time! He made wrought iron doors and even a couple of chandeliers. I can tie flies, a little, but I am not really very handy in the tool sense at all.
But if you wrote about handtools, I bet I would enjoy reading it.
Trey
I did not think for a nanosecond that you were on me like a Carolina mosquito, Trey. I enjoy speaking with you, and our occasional banter.
It's a lot of fun.
Although a great one, with great people coming in and out, it's still a blog. I should know better. I shall endeavor to edit my feelings, my thoughts, my opinions.
Some people are hurt and angry and strike out at the closest individuals. As such, others end up with incidental bruises. I have thoughtlessly handed bruises out. I think regret hurts more than a fat lip.
What a sad bunch you have here today.
Take it.
Remember the law of unintended consequences? It has a positive version as well. The commenters above who seem scared of too much sex won't believe it, of course, but instead of calling names like "pathetic," "cowardly," or other such foolery, I'll simply suggest you try it for a month. One month. There are other effects to this experiment, wonderful ones, that you will not expect and almost certainly do not intuitively associate with sex.
I dare you. What do you have to lose? I'm telling you right now, you won't believe what you gain.
Rob Fedders: I'm sorry, but you're flat-out wrong.
If your wife came to you and said, "I feel like I have let an important part of our relationship lapse, and I promise that I will not turn you away if you want to make love," would your response really be 'you arrogant bitch'? You might not believe her, but if you came to bed night after night, to a smiling wife in a beautiful negligee (or a teddy and heels, or nothing at all) who was ready and willing to open herself to you, would you really think that this was a BAD thing?
I don't know why this particular woman did it, but I know *I* did it because my husband and I were making love about twice a month, and were sniping at each other and were just unhappy. Now the home fires burn three or four times a week regularly, and we're both a lot happier.
Was there ever a time I didn't feel like doing it, but did anyway? Actually, no. Because you GET in the mood really quickly if you're rolling around in bed with your lover, and...well, you get the idea. And there were times my husband didn't feel like it, and instead of turning over and going to sleep like he used to, we'd lay together, talking and cuddling until we fell asleep all tangled up.
A 'gift' like this can be a recognition of a failing, and a desire to make it right. You can't tell me a man doesn't feel hurt and rejected--even belittled--when his woman pushes him away from her, denying him the intimacy he craves. Any woman knows the best way to punish her man is to deny him sex. So, shouldn't the converse be true as well? Shouldn't we know the best way to say "I love you, I need you, and I appreciate you" be sex? And shouldn't a good wife, a good lover, want her man to feel that way all the time?
A good female friend (she's married & we've never dated) told me she's sure sex is a much more intense experience for her than it is for any guy she's ever been with. She says her husband would like to have sex 5-6 times a week, but for him it's like taking a drive around the block whereas for her it's like driving in a NASCAR race or riding in the Kentucky Derby...exciting & even a little scary but not something anyone could do every single day. She thinks guys don't understand this about women, that the desired frequency may be less but the pleasure is greater & needs some recovery time before the next experience. (Her ideal, she said, is 2-3 times a week)
Tutor, do you give lessons? A class on Comprehending The Basics of Men (And Humans In General) would be a great thing. If, y'know, those who actually needed it could be persuaded to attend.
Crazy Tutor, I think there is a bit of a difference between your hypothetical conversation about how frequently a couple has sexual relations and attempting to make a ‘gift’ of something that should be a given in a healthy romantic relationship.
I actually got something similar to this from my (now ex) wife way back when we were newly married and short on cash. In her case she presented a bunch of ‘love coupons’ that included things like ‘one instance of agreeing with you when I know you’re wrong’. I don’t recall the exact wording, it was probably a bit more romantic, but it wasn’t hard to feel the implication. Maybe they would have been good for some light hearted redemption coming in a different context but it was awfully hard to not feel like Mr. Fedders when I realized that my ex was serious that these were ‘gifts’. I am not saying that she should have always deferred to my judgment any more than I should have always deferred to her desires. It’s hard not to get something like that and think why should I have to demand that you be willing to compromise with me, and what happens when the coupons are gone?
“I want to make love with you every night because our relationship is that important to me” is not the same thing as “you should be grateful that I’m willing to make love you with every night”.
Iconoclast: There's got to be a way for them to compromise. If she wants incredibly intense experiences, she should be able to get them 3 times a week with a husband that wants 5-6 a week, but should also be willing to give husband a quickie once a week. It sounds like she can get what she wants but isn't willing to put herself out to make sure HE is satisfied too. Maybe I'm missing something, but it sounds a little lopsided to me.
Peregrine: I'm not saying anything that hasn't been said before. The problem is that my (female) contemporaries who "don't understand men" actually don't understand sex. They see sex as a tool to get what they want, at best a pleasurable distraction. But because they spend it so casually, they don't value it. And when they get married, they feel like they've already bought what they wanted with the sex they gave their boyfriends. That's why sex dries up. Once they have their husbands and their kids, they don't NEED to spend it anymore, and they've spent too long looking at sex as a transaction to see it any other way. The average western woman knows that denying sex is a great way to punish her man.
I would be called an absolute prude by most of those women because I've only had sex with one man: my husband. But I value sex. I always believed it was too important to just give away. If you don't value it, and don't see it as a beautiful thing, then you won't understand why it's so important in a relationship. There's a very good reason why we call it "making love." It is my experience that even when husband and I are squabbling, if we say "let's table this until tomorrow," and make up before bed to approach it with calm heads tomorrow, we find that we crave intimacy because the fight broke it. Afterward, we are more likely to compromise, because we have made love. We have created it, and used it to fill in those tiny cracks in the foundation of our relationship before they get big and scary. We haven't "solved" anything, but we will, because we reminded each other that even when squabbling, we are still deeply in love and that's more important than anything else. The physical release is a distant second.
When my contemporaries see sex only as a fulfillment of instinct, they are far less likely to give up their sleep for it. And then they're frustrated and don't know why. Their husbands are, too. They fight without knowing why, but they're both grumps. The cracks widen. The cracks deepen. At the end of that road, there's nothing but a sham marriage kept alive "for the children" or bitter divorce.
Sorry for the double post, but Der Hahn, that conversation I quoted wasn't exactly hypothetical. That's pretty much what I said to my husband, and then I presented him with a hand-drawn certificate that I had signed, guaranteeing that I would be happily available to him every night for one full year. I fully intend to present him with one this year, but with a little more mock-serious pomp and ceremony.
I don't think that the gift aspect has to mean "you should be grateful to me, you useless bastard." The attitude has an awful lot to do with it. If she's presenting them because she's trying to get something from you, it's going to poison the endeavor. It sounds like your now-ex had that attitude. All I'm trying to say with all this is that it's awful to assume that anyone who tries this is doing it with the worst possible attitude.
Cranky...apparently she does (the quickies, that is)//says fairly often she satisfies him without letting herself get too excited. She wasn't complaining about her husband but just making some general observations about men & women.
After reading most of the article, I find that I'm not that upbeat about Mrs. Muller's approach to the subject, and feel that there is at least some truth in Rob Fedders's and Der Hahn's interpretations in respect to her.
However, Cranky Tutor's approach seems to be much more genuine, and more intimate. Mrs. Muller seemed to look on it as a chore, while Cranky Tutor is presenting it as an invitation. As an invitation, I would accept the offer wholeheartedly, but viewed as a chore, I would not.
OK. I haven't read every post, and the article bored me to tears.
That said, am I the only one who gets the impression wife thinks she should have a medal?
Why is it we should 'celebrate' the gift of regular sex by wife to husband at age 40? Particularly if, as we're told, it's a woman's 'sexual peak?'
Sheesh, let's give someone a medal for something they already ought to be doing...
What's next? A party for breathing air?
What do you think, if your spouse offered you sex every night for a year, would you take it or leave it?My first reaction is that this cannot be a serious question. Would any man seriously think about saying no?
The reactions are surprising.
The Cranky Tutor: You are indeed a gem. Your husband is a lucky man.
"Would any man seriously think about saying no?"
--------
Certainly NOT!! Because all men are just panting idiots for sex, and they don't care how humiliated they are or how much they have to pay.
I had trouble understanding why men would commit suicide (in the article above this one) because they don't make enough money for some materialistic woman. I had trouble grasping why men put their whole ego into what a dopey woman thinks of them. Now I see there ARE men like that - controlled solely by their dick and at the whims of manipulative women who want to extract money by shaming.
Hell, MB, all men think with the wrong head at various times in the minu....er, day.
I was under the impression perhaps we were thinking farther "ahead" (guffaw) than that, or at least thinking with the bigger one.
When the horns get sharp, men do stupid stuff.
No, br549, it's pretty simple ...
If you have a clear view of what women can do to you today, you act responsibly.
It's like someone with a clear view of what heroin addiction can do to people - many outside observers of that may consciously take the right path.
Young men who want to marry should be required to sit in the back of a divorce court for a couple of days - or just one full day with a chivalristic judge.
They should then be told that almost EVERYONE who gets married doesn't think that pumpkin is going to do that to him.
You've been reading my older posts.
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