Ask Dr. Helen: Is sleeping apart healthy for marriage?
My PJM column is up:
I had a post on this topic recently and expanded it a bit using some of the comments from my readers--thanks. Go read the column and see if you have any more words of wisdom.
Whether separate beds hurts a relationship depends on why the couple uses them.
I had a post on this topic recently and expanded it a bit using some of the comments from my readers--thanks. Go read the column and see if you have any more words of wisdom.
Labels: PJM column
posted by Helen at 5:57 AM
18 Comments:
Dr Helen- I tried to email the article to a couple of friends from PJM. However, their email utility wouldnt not allow that process to go thru. Could you please talk to the PJM folks and have them take care of the problem?
TIA
There are also those who sleep apart due to religious reasons, such as Orthodox Jews and, I think, observant Muslims.
Soccer dad, some upper-caste Hindus too. I remember growing up in India, when at "that certain time of the month", the women in traditional families would go and sleep in a different room. My parents , being western educated, didnt follow this custom,and my Mom had to endure a lot of disrespectful talk from the more traditional female members of the extended family.
Most Orthodox Jews have separate beds. For about half of each month, sleeping in the same bed is not allowed; for the other half it is allowed but not common. Some push the two beds together when it's allowed, or have one double and one single, but traditionally they remain separate even when that's not actually required.
Of course, using a single bed can also affect a relationship, depending on how the couple uses it :)
Off Topic - Sorry:
Helen, is it possible to send you e-mail, I don't seem to see a way to do it.
I thought you might be interested in something I ran across today:
- - - -
I recently ran across a letter in one of Amy Alkon’s publications, The Advice Goddess (http://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2008/09/cache-him-if-yo.html). In it the letter writer states:
"I recently discovered that my boyfriend of four years has been secretly searching for his ex-fiance online. I'd say most girlfriends check their mate's cell phone or Internet history, so I think I'm not alone in looking. When I confronted him, he said he wasn't trying to make contact or anything, he just never got closure, and wonders about her sometimes. (About eight years ago, he caught her cheating on him, and they haven't spoken since.) Now I'm all jealous, and feel like I'm competing for his love. Does he secretly feel like he lost "the one"?
--Isn't Easy Being Green"
Looking around further, the Girl Next Door at Men's Health, in one of her video blogs states “All girlfriends snoop.” http://www.menshealth.com/cda/featured_video.do?conitem=119739fff1cf1110VgnVCM20000012281eac____&category=sex.women
To say I’m disturbed is putting it mildly. If I found a girlfriend checking my internet history or my cell phone logs, I’d be gone. Snooping in my medicine cabinet or my personal closet (as opposed to the hall closet where her coat is hanging) would get an arched eyebrow, and a “looking for something,” and the trust level would go through the floor. Should I find her in my filing cabinet or my desk . . . we’ll, we’re probably done.
Is this really acceptable behavior among women? To be specific, I’m not talking about investigating someone whom you have reason to think is cheating. I’m talking about going on fishing expeditions with no probable cause.
Lamont
Lamont, long dating histories and premarital sexual connections lead to deeply insecure women who resort to these tactics. Our culture has extended adolescence so long that it's inevitable that you end up with women behaving like this.
You can always choose to remain a virgin and seek out a virgin and marry young and avoid these problems. Good luck with that.
Lamont,
Great questions. One that might make for an interesting column or post. Next time, you can email it to drhelen at violentkidsdotcom The email is on the right side of my blog but not easy to see.
Just off the top of my head, I would say that snooping through one's boyfriend or girlfriend's stuff is not really acceptable but people do it all the time. I would ask myself if I wanted a person that had so little faith in me as a partner. Typically, if one has reason to feel insecure, it is better just to tell the other person one's fears and see how they handle the response. This gives some information as to whether they care how you feel or not.
I've been married for 18 years and I do not sleep well if my wife is not around. It also seems that it would greatly impact your sex life. I'm not seeing how that could be "normal" if you are in seperate bedrooms.
My grandparents slept in separate beds for the twenty or so years I knew them. For some reason, I always got the impression that it started as a primitive form of birth control that got to be a habit. They seemed to get along pretty well.
Unless there's an issue, e.g. hubby snores loud enough to saw the logs, then I can't see a valid reason for sleeping separately. If a couple is sleeping in separate beds, then they most likely have problems.
For Lamont:
Do women snoop?? Are you high or what?
I could bore the tears out of everybody here with the things I admire and adore about women, but I will never budge from my position that women, as a whole, are walking insecurity festivals. "Does this make me look fat?" "What are you thinking?" "That woman you were talking to...what were you talking about?"
Do they snoop? That's like asking if they gossip!
If you want a peaceful life with a woman, get used to the snooping. When the day comes that women can shove a GPS up your ass and a radio-transmitting thermometer onto your willy, don't be surprised why they'd do it and consider it their God-given right.
I wondered about this after reading a recent article on the growing trend of married couples sleeping alone. Whether separate beds hurts a relationship depends on why the couple uses them.
Cheers,
Raven
drnatura
Well, it is obvious but perhaps worth noting that women use access to sex as a power-and-control strategy.
It is classic female passive-aggression.
Not happy? With-hold sex.
It is quite primitive and Pavlovian but apparently it works on most men.
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