New Books on Men and Boys
A reader (thanks!) let me know about a new book by columnist Kathleen Parker that is coming out soon entitled Save the Males: Why Men Matter Why Women Should Care. It is being published by Random House and here is the synopsis at Amazon:
Sounds interesting--but I must add that I find it somewhat disturbing that ultimately the premise of the book (I am inferring this from the title and the above summary) is about the effect of men's cultural demise on....women. Yes, I know that focusing on women is the only way to sell books but if I had my way (or I was not so darn lazy), I would write a book that focused on the effect of the male bashing culture on----surprise!....men. How do actual men feel about it, what do they think, how does it affect them personally and their sons?
Which brings me to a good book I am in the process of reading that came in the mail (for Glenn but I took it) entitled Boys Should Be Boys: 7 Secrets to Raising Healthy Sons.
Author Meg Meeker, a pediatrician, exposes a number of shocking statistics about the state of boyhood in America such as:
I had no idea these were shocking stats, I thought they were common knowledge. Anyway, this particular book looks informative; there is a chapter on "The Difference a Dad Makes" that talks about the importance a father plays in a boy's life. A section on "Self Control" makes an important point by forensic psychologist Shawn Johnston:
Dads definitely teach boys how to channel aggression and deal with emotions of anger and frustration. But more importantly, Dads teach boys that they matter, and that they can grow up to be successful men.
Tell a woman we need to save the males and she’ll give you the name of her shrink. But cultural provocateur Kathleen Parker, who was raised by her father and who mothered a pack of boys, makes a humorous case for rescuing the allegedly stronger sex from trends that portend man’s cultural demise.
Save the Males is a shrewd, amusing, and sure-to-be-controversial look at how men, maleness, and fatherhood have been under siege in American culture for decades. Kathleen Parker argues that the feminist movement veered off course from it’s original aim of helping women achieve equality and ended up making enemies of men. With piercing wit, this nationally syndicated columnist shows us how the pendulum has swung from the reasonable middle to a place where men have been ridiculed in the public square and the importance of fatherhood has been diminished–all to the detriment of women, who ultimately suffer most.
Sounds interesting--but I must add that I find it somewhat disturbing that ultimately the premise of the book (I am inferring this from the title and the above summary) is about the effect of men's cultural demise on....women. Yes, I know that focusing on women is the only way to sell books but if I had my way (or I was not so darn lazy), I would write a book that focused on the effect of the male bashing culture on----surprise!....men. How do actual men feel about it, what do they think, how does it affect them personally and their sons?
Which brings me to a good book I am in the process of reading that came in the mail (for Glenn but I took it) entitled Boys Should Be Boys: 7 Secrets to Raising Healthy Sons.
Author Meg Meeker, a pediatrician, exposes a number of shocking statistics about the state of boyhood in America such as:
ADHD is diagnosed seven times as often in boys as it is in girls:
Only 65 percent of boys graduate from high school, much lower than the graduation rate for girls;
29 percent of boys admit to drinking alcohol before the age of thirteen...
I had no idea these were shocking stats, I thought they were common knowledge. Anyway, this particular book looks informative; there is a chapter on "The Difference a Dad Makes" that talks about the importance a father plays in a boy's life. A section on "Self Control" makes an important point by forensic psychologist Shawn Johnston:
The research is absolutely clear...the one human being most capable of curbing the anti-social aggression of a boy is his biological father.
Dads definitely teach boys how to channel aggression and deal with emotions of anger and frustration. But more importantly, Dads teach boys that they matter, and that they can grow up to be successful men.
Labels: interesting books
44 Comments:
It's like a spinoff of that parody New York Times headline. "Men abused, marginalized, discriminated against -- women hardest hit."
But it's real. Someone means that seriously. Sometimes I can barely stand it anymore.
The reason that Parker's thrust is that women are the ultimate losers is that, probably, the vast majority of buyers and readers will be women. Parker is just trying to make a buck. Men don't read books like this, despite women telling us that we should, i.e., telling us that male behavior is defective and that we should behave more like women.
I understand that. But you can still execute the pander without being ridiculous. Just stop at "to the detriment of women." That's true. But specific harm to men doesn't harm women *most*.
I've always liked Parker's columns. I don't have much of a problem with Parker's this hurts women approach as long as the ultimate effect is males are treated better.
...she’ll give you the name of her shrink.
I find that phrase telling and humorous. Why do so many women have shrinks?
Waiting for a snarky Cham comment about how all this is overreaction on men's parts. After all, men should just willingly submit to 2nd class status, right Cham?
So many women have shrinks, because that's how they deal with problems - they want to talks to someone who does not tell them what to do, but just listens to them
I would write a book that focused on the effect of the male bashing culture on----surprise!....men. How do actual men feel about it, what do they think, how does it affect them personally and their sons?
With much respect and gratitude for your discussions on the topic, shouldn't such a book be written by a man? After all, if a man were to write such a book about the problems of girls and women, he'd likely be blasted.
Larry,
"shouldn't such a book be written by a man?"
Yes, such men as Warren Farrell and Paul Nathanson, author of "Legalizing Misandry," have written such books. But men (especially psychologists) have also written books about girls and women and are not "blasted" for it. To understand a problem, one has to have an open mind, not a particular sex organ.
"I would write a book that focused on the effect of the male bashing culture on----surprise!....men"
I have a feeling such a book would be disappointingly short. Not because the topic isn't important but because the conclusion is far too obvious.
What's the effect of male bashing on men? Negative. How does it make them feel? Bad
This is obviously true about so many power struggles.
Effect of slavery on slaves? Not good.
Effect of withholding freedoms due to race on targeted race? Not well received by targeted race.
Effect on women of withholding rights from women? Pissed off women.
There's no news in those observations. What might be interesting is a book that can show that enacting any of the above behaviors (women bashing men in this case) can end up having a negative effect on the bad actor. That's extremely valuable information.
The real insight is that interactions between people, particularly groups of people, isn't a zero sum game. Well not unless you're trying to force it into one so you can fit your slogan on a bumper sticker.
Good subject. I am the single mom of 3 boys. 2 of my boys have a father that is devoted, caring and involved. The 3rd does not, and guess which one has the most problems? I wish his father would be more involved, but I can't make him.
Men need to be father's to the children they bear. (Women too). Many do, but those who don't leave a huge negative impact, maybe irreparable.
Also, I have seen the treatment of boys in public school. It is almost like they are second-class citizens. My son in kindergarten was recommended to take ADD drugs and I refused. He's now 10 and a solid A student. I could go on & on, but I won't bore your readers.
To Vicki:
You said "Men need to be father's to the children they bear." I suspect that you haven't thought through the implications of that statement.
As women routinely tell us...loudly, it isn't the men who are doing the bearing, it's women. And in this day of "abortion on demand", the decision as to whether a child is born is entirely the woman's. So why should the man feel any obligation to be in his biological offspring's life? Then again, the whole purpose of child support (financial or otherwise) may just be to force the man to pay the woman for having sex.
As Warren Farrell correctly pointed out, the whole thrust of 40 years of feminism is to give women options and men obligations.
I am increasingly bothered by the anti-feminist backlash. Many of the how to raise boys or girls book seem to be as unrealistic and as monolithic in their demands as what they are replacing. Basically, it's going from raise your kids to be wild and free to raise your kids to be exactly "this". The notion that a boy or man should be one thing is just as stupid and even condescending as saying a girl or woman should be something specific--neither approach fully recognizes people as individuals.
(One thing I've learned as a parent is that to a large extent you can raise your kids to be a certain way, but at what cost? To use but one example, you can force your kids to go to church, but where will that leave them in the long run?)
I like that the cover is a parody of 'save the whales.'
Parker is claiming that women suffer most for one of two reasons:
1) She wants women to buy her book and make her money and has to slip that in to hook them, or
2) She really wants women to change their behavior, but doesn't trust them to do so if she simply tells them of the effect they are having one men. Far too many women would probably just say "Good! It's about time!" Unless Parker provides the "What's in it for me" she doesn't think women will want to change.
It'd be nice if women would change their behavior simply because it's the right thing to do. I suspect Parker doesn't believe that will be enough.
When I was a school kid, we had lots of male teachers and if you were too rowdy, you got the paddle. I knew of 1 boy who took ritalin and he got in fights alot, but he grew up and joined the Navy.
Now, there's not so many male teachers and the women don't want to discipline or direct boys; they just want them drugged and complacent. My own son would have been doped up if we hadn't put our foot down and told the teacher off.
Her -"He may need to be medicated. I think he may have ADD."
Us - " Number one: you aren't a doctor. Number two: you need to learn how to deal with little boys, because they don't sit still in class like little girls."
This says it all- this is a bumper sticker I designed:
http://www.google.com/gwt/n?u=http%3A%2F%2Fboards.askmen.com%2Fviewtopic.php%3Ft%3D52872&hl=en&q=ASKMEN+message+board&source=m
Viki: "Men need to be father's to the children they bear"
Why should they be fathers? The State thinks that Fathers are worthless:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/politics/article3972376.ece
"Iain Duncan Smith, who proposed enshrining the importance of a father and mother, said that the new law would amount to telling couples that “fathers are not important, or are less important than mothers”...
His criticisms were backed by Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O’ Connor, the Roman Catholic Archbishop of Westminster, in an interview with The Times. “I think it strange that the Government should want to take away not just the need for a father but the right for a father,” he said."
Please do write that book.
Most importantly? Perhaps the more we know about genes, the father is the closest representative to teach the boy how to deal with his own temperment, body type, maturity rate, etc. Makes sense if you think about. Not necessary to be biologically cut from the same cloth, but surely it helps in preparing for what's coming.
What Mary said.
Trey
sgt ted:
When I was a school kid, we had lots of male teachers and if you were too rowdy, you got the paddle.
I am curious, since I grew up in a different generation--how were unruly boys handled when you were in school? Those who couldn't sit still, talked too much and so on? Was corporal punishment used for these, or other means?
I'm curious too. When I read the bit about more boys being medicated for ADHD, my first thought was that it was because more boys are inclined to have it. If they're being medicated for acting like kids, that's terrible.
cinder, they are medicated for acting like boys
'When I was a school kid, we had lots of male teachers and if you were too rowdy, you got the paddle.'
If you spank your children nowadays, CPS will take them away-they go to your children's school and strip search them looking for marks. Read the story here:
http://wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=64829
One of the (many, many) reasons we decided to homeschool. We had our son first (then two girls), and there's no way I'm going to have some teacher tell me to medicate the spirit right out of him because he can't sit still (because he's a boy and who ever heard of a boy sitting still for long?). I also disagree with those who are saying 'why should men be fathers?'. Someone else said 'because it's the right thing to do' about something else. Same here. Men should be the best fathers they can because it's the right thing to do, and it gives our children the best possible outlook for their future (to have an involved mom AND dad).
Our culture puts a huge value on those that can sit still and quietly do what they are told, male, female, young, old. There isn't that big of a difference between the classroom or the office. Ritalin for all.
Yes, boys are medicated for being boys. Maleness has been considered a disease for the past 50 years.
Cham in correct. "Our culture puts a huge value on those that can sit still and quietly do what they are told, ..." Sure there are lots of books, movies and TV shows that glorify the rebel, non-conformist but in truth the powers that be want you to sit there and do as your told.
To dadvocate:
You wrote: "Sure there are lots of books, movies and TV shows that glorify the rebel, non-conformist but in truth the powers that be want you to sit there and do as your told."
Follow the money!
These books, movies and TV shows are intended as "attractive fantasies" to peoples who feel that their lives aren't all they should be and, of course, all that they "deserve". (Have you noticed how often the word "deserve" crops up in radio and TV advertising?) This books and movies are being paid for by the people themselves and the TV shows have advertisers who care little beyond the show's Nielsen ratings. If the media was being paid for by the employers, the characterization of what constitutes a "good" person would likely be quite different.
I am curious, since I grew up in a different generation--how were unruly boys handled when you were in school? Those who couldn't sit still, talked too much and so on? Was corporal punishment used for these, or other means?
Corporal punishment was one option. Another was detention after school. Yet another was making the disruptive student "write sentences". For example, in junior high, one of my best friends called a teacher a fascist. He was made to write the definition of fascist 100 times. Writer's cramp can be as effective as the board of education applied to the seat of learning.
Corporal punishment was actually quite rare. I do remember seeing a paddle displayed in the office of the schools I attended. A also remember hearing corporal punishment being administered on occassion. IIRC, it didn't happen more than a couple times a year. It was reserved for really flagrent offenses or after the other means had failed.
When I started first grade, my father was the head of the local PTA. There was no way that I could get into trouble and him not know about it. He told the teacher to do what she thought appropriate in regards to discipline and then to call him. I knew that I'd get much more when I got home. Most other parents did the same thing. Funny thing, there were no major disruptions for most of the years I went to school.
Today, it'd be called child abuse. If a school used corporal punishment, they'd probably get sued and someone would get arrested. The kids know it and take full advantage of the situation. All it takes is one disruptive student to ruin an entire class. Just about all other means of punishment have been removed so the schools are turning into Ritalin pushers.
"The research is absolutely clear...the one human being most capable of curbing the anti-social aggression of a boy is his biological father."
It's not the biological relationship, it's the sharing of genetic traits. The adoptive fathers I know, (myself included) tend to be more involved in their children's lives than bio fathers.
Hopefully, the author meant the shared genetic traits, and was not trying to imply a non-biologically related male couldn't do the same job.
Modern Liberalism, for all its claim of understanding nuance, is an incredibly un-nuanced, "digital approach" (i.e., it's either on or it's off) mentality. This is how the modern Liberal winds up, say, blindly supporting the redefinition of marriage for the GLBT crowd while completely failing to understand that that position also makes any opposition to polyamorous combinations of any kind legally untenable.
And so it is with those who see medicating boys as an evil conspiracy.
Opponents of medication make the sweeping assumption that boys are being medicated solely for "acting like boys". While this may be somewhat - or even mostly - true, the fact is that there are also those of us (including myself & my late son) for whom medication was quite literally a Godsend. Without it, neither of us was capable of mentally focusing well enough to make us anything but incredibly depressed & unhappy.
Those of you who are struggling with the decision to medicate or not medicate, do your own due diligence & ignore those internet commentators & their personal agendas. Medication may truly not be an answer in your particular situation. But then again... it just might be.
Look at the tags placed on the book by user Shannon B Davis "Nepenthe" on Amazon. Her first one is "idiot turncoat" and the other one is "racist." Funny how libs and feminists can sling the word "racist" at virtually anything they disagree with even if it doesn't make the slightest bit of sense. Obviously, she hasn't read the book yet since it hasn't even been published. But she's plastering her ad hominem on the site already because it looks like it might be pro-male.
And we can't have that! Gotta stomp out men like the cockroaches that they are.
Thom: I think you are right about #2. Sometimes people need to be shown how an issue hurts themselves in order to get involved. I think it will be better for men, women and children if everyone learns to start respecting men.
BobH: I would like to see abortion outlawed because I think it is immoral and frequently used to avoid responsibility. I agree that it is wrong that women can trick a man and get pregnant, that women have the sole legal right in abortions and that in divorce court the woman is considered the innocent party. However, if a man consents to having children, don't you expect some responsibility from him? If you have children, I'm sure you feel a strong connection to them and want to help them become upstanding citizens.
Dr. Helen, your level of compassion on these kinds of issues never ceases to amaze me.
Why do so many women have therapists? was a question brought up but not really discussed. Dr. H, I would love it if you would do some writing about why so many more women then men undergo psychiatric treatment.
I'm going to be honest, I'm a man and I don't care. I have little respect for narcissistic metrosexuals and I don't put my children in public schools to insure that both the boys and the girls aren't adversely influenced by this non-sense.
Sometimes I believe there is something at work in society-at-large beyond just a difference of opinion. I can't figure out how it is that the opinions I had as an immature youth are not outgrown by others. I can recall railing against an oppressive patriarch but I was 17. How does the angst against men continue beyond 25 years old?
Interesting juxtaposition of views here:
#1: Boys are being medicated simply for being disruptive. But it's natural for boys not to be able to sit still! This is terrible!
#2: They used to spank kids for being disruptive. Now parents and teachers will get in trouble if they do so, and as a result, kids are more disruptive. This is terrible!
Now, I'll agree that it's probably better to give out spankings than Ritalin for normal misbehavior. But if it's bad to medicate a non-ADD kid who acts up, is it really okay to HIT the kid instead?
Discipline is a good thing. I just think we have more options than these two.
Men don't need saving. If they do, they don't deserve to be saved.
I am so beyond tired of all the "mens' rights" wussies who have adopted female tactics. They put the men in menstruation.
We are men. We are guilty as charged and we don't give a damn. We run the world. Everything women do that annoys us is by our sufferance. We didn't run from mammoths and we don't run from Rosie O'Donnell even if she is bigger/meaner/faster/stronger/dumber than a mammoth.
Quit trying to reason with women when it comes to the big issues. They're not very good at it. They can tell they're being humored and they know what you did when you let them win, and that does not make them horny.
Not only do they not know what they want, but what they want is for you to tell them that you are what they want. They'll buy that if you sell it.
Women are desperate. There--that's what they want. Not to be desperate.
One thing strikes me most wrong, is your blog family's sad lack of contemporary culture awareness, in favor of a mere few Amazon books. Book clubs don't change society. Subcultures do that.
Men have *already* created a grassroots male-empowerment community, ten years going and ten thousand members strong. Guess what it's called?
"The Community".
It is a folk science. Men post their experiences with women. Trends emerge. Same story *every* time. Gurus arrise who, in various ways consolidate this into a knowledge base that is fundamentally concerned with UNLEARNING lies.
Example: put a female on a pedestal and she will like you.
That is a LIE.
Not 1 in 10 men know this.
Your statement translated: "Dads teach boys to womanize, which Moms don't do."
The very definition of an "alpha" male is the psychological ability and confidence to not only speak to but ignore the defense mechanisms of pretty girls, that most men cower from. Short circuit that sense of obsolete shame and a given man can marry up instead of down.
Traditionally, women didn't have to work at all. But a bunch morbidly obese "fry it up in a pan and make us feel like men" feminists accidentally picked up the dropped microphone for two generations and told women to SKIP their prime child-bearing decade. Oops.
A man's fantasy is many beautiful women; a woman's is to be provided for. When a woman marries, she fulfills her fantasy, whilst a man forsakes his.
So...the trick for woman is to appear to be a different girl each week, not a very difficult task given the alternative of divorce, old age, *and* being cheated on. Most women "forget" to do this, so most marriages fail.
[I know I'm leaving out the passive-aggressive side of many "provider" men who play mind games with their wives.]
But what role is left for men? Eternal, albeit sometimes lonely or meaningless bachelorhood? Believe it or not, all we really want for our lover is to be PROUD of us, especially when we experience setbacks.
Modern women often lack even an idea, even the remotest clue of this simple act of friendship. So ups and downs are not allowed, since the first down or two and us men are DIVORCED.
Also, I take offense, as a male, at female terms of classic akin to Freudian "hysteria" being lodged at my sex, such as "suffering" and "bashing" and "dealing with emotions."
Male–empowerment is great, but trying to turn us into victims is hogwash, Mrs. Glen Reynolds. We don't "DEAL" with emotions, we SOLVE PROBLEMS, invent moving pictures, radio and the Internet.
I know you are trying to help, but that's Liberalism defined: making an oppressed class feel like victims. But us men don't need your help. We do NOT want to be your latest project eternal. Social activism is not needed. It's mere honesty on YOUR side of the fence to admit that your are *attracted* to raw masculinity that we want. Problem solved.
I call you out as a fake anti-feminist. Your husband is one of the world's most powerful men, the Citizen Kane of our generation, and a man with brass balls. Thank the gods he is Libertarian, but those are the people that all new countries are founded by.
interno --
Call her out all you want, her writing puts lie to the accusation.
She does not promote victimhood, which is what I think you mistake her views for. She rightly points out victims. Men who are murdered by their wives are victims. I fail to understand your failure to understand something that basic.
We don't "DEAL" with emotions, we SOLVE PROBLEMS, invent moving pictures, radio and the Internet.
Uh, yes we do deal with emotions. We have them and therefore must deal with them. You, yourself were dealing with yours when you wrote that. Or perhaps you quoted and capitalized that so as to make a cute reference to some unwritten meaning?
How is the world's first printed phone, Geobond, the first dishwasher, Imuran, and Zovirax for reference? I'll stop there.
The point is nothing is exclusively the domain of any category of people. There may be obvious distortions for obvious reasons and obvious deniers, but dem's da facts.
For those of you interested in preserving the constitution there is a man from Florida representing something called the Constitution Party in the 2008 presidential election.
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