Ask Dr. Helen: Dating the Divorced
My PJM column is up:
Have you ever dated a divorced man or woman? If so, what were the issues? Did it work out or not? If you are a divorced man or woman, do you have any better, less sexist advice? Read the column and let me know.
Dating a divorced person can present many challenges, but do men and women have different needs in post-marriage relationships? Double standards abound.
Have you ever dated a divorced man or woman? If so, what were the issues? Did it work out or not? If you are a divorced man or woman, do you have any better, less sexist advice? Read the column and let me know.
Labels: PJM column
posted by Helen at 3:02 PM
24 Comments:
This comment has been removed by the author.
Complete deal breakers:
1. When the young divorcée tells you she divorced her husband of three years because he, at age 23, didn't have the same view of money as she did.
2. The divorcée tells you she left her husband because she kept growing but he didn't -- he had to work too much to grow.
3. When the divorcée tells you she is married to her business.
My wife was the divorcee that I dated. The one thing you have to realise is that, if she has kids, they will come first for quite a while, as they should; your just a date. I didn't meet her kids until shortly before we got engaged; we dated when they were at their dads.
I just approached dating her as I would for any relationship.
This comment has been removed by the author.
I've dated divorced and non-divorced. Not much difference. We all come with baggage. That author is simply biased. News? Um, no.
By the way, the absolutely worst dating experience I've had was a single woman.
My wife was divorced when we met. Sure, there were issues (2 kids for one) but we made it work. The key thing is that we have always approached our marriage as a team.
I wonder why the magazine would buy those articles from the same author. While she may have experience dating divorced men, does she have experience at dating divorced women? If not, then why would anyone believe she is in any way knowledgeable on the subject? The two articles combined to create yet another example of "heads I win, tails you lose" male bashing.
One thing that was touched on, but should be reinforced, is that both articles are aimed at the type of women who read self-help articles and should be read as such. (Seems to me that regardless of your sex, simply asking your companion if they read this dribble will tell you quite a bit immediately.)
I am divorced and remarried and both of our parents are as well. I believe that it is an experience that is very much unique to every person and that the vast majority of the time both sides are "to blame" However, I am certain that all people who go through a very difficult emotional experience have the capacity to emerge from it stronger and better...not all do by any means but it is possible. None of this has to do with gender so your point is correct that there is a double standard and articles of this sort hinder the process of emerging stronger. Self-help, what crap, they should read Marcus Aurelius and get a lot of excersize.
I'm a widower, and I've dated a few divorced women. So here's my advice for the ladies.
I have standards, and you have a pretty high bar to meet. Remember, I know what a good relationship is like, and what a good woman is. My relationship didn't go bad it was cut short.
You do have to impress me with your kindness, sense of humor, sense of purpose, and willingness to pitch in.
You have to believe that a man can be good, and can enhance your life.
One other thing, I want you to expect all of that from me.
Some things are easier and some are harder with divorced women. Sex is usually quicker, but that is not always a good thing.
Of course, I am now of an age where the women (or men) who never married are highly suspect. Widows tend to have their own baggage - it seems like whatever their marriage was really like, the seem to remember their former husband as a saint that you can't live up to.
So, in the end, I tend to date divorced women - but do so with care. Too many divorces is a bad sign. Ditto for everything being her ex husband's fault. Current girlfriend is once widowed then once divorced, after she found he had fathered kids out of wedlock with her.
I actually prefer women with kids, because they tend to understand my baggage with my own. But, again, I am old enough that their kids are most often grown. But I do want to see her parent, because I have learned that I don't handle lackadaisical parenting of younger kids. I want them in their car seats and holding hands in the parking lot, no first names, etc. The problem is that they aren't my kids, and I don't want to have to be trying to discipline them, because that never works.
"Never give more than you are getting." That attitude tells a lot about the author.
My husband and I were both divorced when we met (no kids on either side). We both had to work through a bit of mistrust in certain areas where our ex-spouses had hurt us. I don't guess that's unusual.
His ex was a manipulative crier; I am a natural crybaby who tears up over the dumbest things. Imagine his reaction when we'd have a minor disagreement and I'd start blubbering. It took a while to work that out. I'm sure there were other things.
Being honest and talking about the issues that come up, rather than being sure not to "give more than you are getting" is the way to go.
It's working out so far, 13 years and 2 kids on.
I've dated one divorced woman, and I married another. Both are provably insane. Here's the proof: The first one tried to murder me in my bed; the second one hasn't.
Seriously, divorce doesn't have to unhinge one. But it's a reaving experience, one of the most trying of all prolonged travails. No one comes out of a divorce the same as he went in -- and few of us improve from it, particularly as regards our ability to trust the enemy...er, members of the opposite sex
Yes, I've been divorced, too. Does it show?
Helen, you are spot on in recognizing the horrid double standard. I guess anyone can write, but few can still think or show some self awareness.
In some ways my wife's previous husband did me a favor. He had anger issues and she left him because she was tired and embarassed of the blowups. So I looked good in contrast. For me, I needed someone who was emotionally available and solid emotionally, so when I saw that in her, it was a major plus.
Maybe the bottom line in dating someone who was previously married is looking to see if they learned from the situation. Are they stuck in it, or have they learned and made changes.
Trey
I'm a divorced man in a serious relationship with a woman that has a child that's never been married. Though I wasn't specifically looking for that, for me it's the best combination. My ex-wife completely changed after our daughter was born and I can see that my girlfriend didn't come unhinged having the same experience. More importantly, the fact that we both have children gives us an understanding of what each of us face in terms of parenting our little ones.
Divorce is a tragedy but it's certainly not the end of the road. Learn what you can from it no matter who's at fault.
Geeze, you ask the hard questions! My answer's over here.
I have dated a divorced female. She was and is alive, smart, and splendid. It didn't work out. Sadly, she was hot, and I was and am merely me.
Damn it.
PB
I dated one divorced guy. The demise of his marriage was very hard on him. By the time I met him, though, he had less baggage than anyone I'd ever met.
Is it so hard to evaluate people on the basis of their actions and not their membership in some category?
Didn't somebody already mention Paul Simon's "I am a Rock"?
Works for me.
Being a divorced man or woman doesn't make one less worthy.
I have been divorced for about 3.5 years now. since it was finalized I've been on lots of dates with divorced women, and can say that I've "dated" 2 of them.
Of the "1-offs" there have been several lovely ladies, and some that made me go "well, that explains her divorce, I suppose. . . "
Of the 2 that I considered to be "my girlfriend," the 1st of and I were really good friends, but there wasn't much actual "chemistry." And I introduced her to another of my friends and they've been married almost 2 years now and are expecting their 1st child together, and we're all very happy with the outcome.
The other is one with a lot of baggage. Great chemistry as well as a wonderful underlying friendship, but the baggage -- oh the baggage. My personal opinion is that she's simply too scared underneath it all to enter a relationship that she can't just walk away from on a moments notice. She's an absolutely wonderful lady under the mask she wears to protect her emotions, but sadly she's started to become the mask, and the conflict between this "strong independent woman" and the kind, caring, sensitive and loving treasure underneath it all just got to be too much to deal with anymore. As it is, I care so much for her that it would be all to easy to be sucked back on to that rollercoaster, so we're taking a "no contact" break for 3 months, and after the summer, we'll see how everything is then -- whether we wish to try again, try to be "just friends," or simply call it good and wish each other well.
Time will tell. I may meet someone else in that time, though I'm not actively looking. She is doing a bit of looking, though (conceited man that I am) I doubt she'll find anyone close to me in being as good for her ;-) As I just said -- time will tell.
Well, my wife was a former divorcee, so I have in fact dated a divorced person. It's worked out well, as we're rapidly approaching our 8th anniversary. However, a good friend of mine has had somewhat less success dating divorced women. Here's what he had to say:
Never date recently divorced women (i.e., within the last 6 months to a year). In his experience, it's simply too soon for the women to move onto something bigger and better. My wife had been divorced for 3+ years when we started dating. My friend said that she had "ripened on the vine", in that she no longer let her divorce color all of her views about men and relationships. I thought it was great advice. Then again, I had already decided to propose, so it was a little late in coming.
Anyway, just my thoughts, or someone else's, as the case may be.
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