Sunday, February 24, 2008

A New Twist to the Prenuptial Agreement

At least this one does not involve the groom (Hat tip: Dave)--but maybe it should get him thinking:

There's a new prenuptial agreement in town - and it's beyond anything even Ron Perelman's lawyers could cook up.

Young brides are drawing up bridesmaids contracts that are sure to cause rifts between BFFs in bad floor-length dresses everywhere.

The agreements include specific grooming and behavior clauses - specifying everything from the required length and style of bridesmaids' fingernails to prohibitions on gaining weight before the big day - with the threat that those who don't comply will be dumped. ...

More than 20 percent of brides-to-be said they would use a contract to control bridesmaids, and half of them said they would sack one if she refused to follow the script, according to a survey conducted by UK magazine You & Your Wedding.


It seems to me that this type of pre-nup should serve as a warning sign to the groom. Think about it, if a bride is this controlling of her bridesmaids' behavior, what is she going to do to you after the wedding?

57 Comments:

Blogger Derve Swanson said...

I'm not sure how many recently married couples you know helen, but I think you might be stereotyping a bit here.

Surely there are plenty of grooms these days who would definitely go along such weight/grooming restrictions on their fiance's friends.

I mean, he has to pair those ladies up with his buddies to walk out of the church, right? (And take the photos, do at least one dance, not to mention the rehearsal dinner, limo ride, etc.)

And don't tell me guys don't talk about their temporary match's weight/appearances... :-)

It can be a cooooold world out there, nowadays. (Same as it ever was, just with contract reinforcements now??)

7:39 PM, February 24, 2008  
Blogger mean aunt said...

Because a wedding isn't about marriage, the marriage is all about the wedding.

Run, grooms. Really fast.

7:44 PM, February 24, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

^^^ What mean aunt said.

Run.

Now.

Before she gets half of your stuff!

8:05 PM, February 24, 2008  
Blogger Evil HR Lady said...

I would just like to say that I've been happily married for almost 8 years and surprisingly enough, I have managed to do that despite having zero bridesmaids.

Yes, a wedding can be done without bridesmaids and the marriage will even last!

I'm with mean aunt, run, groom, run.

8:27 PM, February 24, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have managed to do that despite having zero bridesmaids.

Yes, but you're evil, so you didn't have much choice. ;)

8:31 PM, February 24, 2008  
Blogger Katie said...

Yea, no bridesmaids here either. We had a BBQ in my in laws backyard with a JP. And everyone wore shorts, including the groom. (Well, okay, I wore a dress -- a simple white linen dress -- but I got called on it because I was dressed up way more than anyone else was).

We planned on setting off fireworks that night (It was the fourth of july) but drought conditions precluded that, unfortunately.

8:34 PM, February 24, 2008  
Blogger Bonnie said...

Living in Memphis, where the instance of overweight people skews the national average (hah), I have to say that I don't think anything like that would fly here.

Also, yes, the men marrying Bridezillas of any sort should be thinking long and hard as to what they think they're going to be getting out a marriage to such a control freak.

9:08 PM, February 24, 2008  
Blogger TJIC said...

Mary said:


And don't tell me guys don't talk about their temporary match's weight/appearances... :-)


I'm sure all the ones who aren't gentlemen do.

9:17 PM, February 24, 2008  
Blogger Cham said...

I guess the bridesmaid who was being asked to sign the contract would have to ask herself, "What is in this for me?". Frankly, I don't see the positives regarding being a bridesmaid. You have to lay out a lot of cash for a dress you won't ever wear again nor do you get to choose the attire. You still have to buy a gift, then you get invited to the shower so you have to buy another gift. Most likely, you will have to buy shoes. All the bridesmaid really gets is a free meal at the rehearsal dinner. These issues could all be alleviated by politely declining to be a bridesmaid. If one attends the wedding you still get to meet the cutes groomsmen, you get the benefit of having fun at the reception and you can always recycle some gift you got before that you didn't for a wedding gift. Although, in the brides defense, weddings these days often cost over $100K, they aren't throwing a party they are putting on a Broadway Show. I can see why a bride and her family would want everything perfect.

Better yet, decline the invite altogether, you can spend your day on the sofa eating Doritas and watching Law and Order.

9:20 PM, February 24, 2008  
Blogger Jay Kominek said...

Having seen a few weddings where the bridesmaids go insane and do things directly contrary to the (very reasonable) wishes of the bride, this doesn't strike me as that unreasonable.

As far as what the bridesmaids are getting for it, a lot of women seem to be really excited about the prospect. No idea what they think they're getting out of it, but they sure behave as though it has value to them.

10:55 PM, February 24, 2008  
Blogger Mercurior said...

What does it matter if the bridesmaid gains or loses weight.

My advice to the groom to be RUN as fast and as far as you can. Get away from that manipulative woman.

How can anyone justify 100K for a 1 day event. Its more about the appearance of a wedding rather than the love and adoration of 2 people being legally recognised.

i was married recently, it was a small ceremony just 4 of us plus the justice. we went out for a meal later. my best man was my wifes bridesmaid.

4:55 AM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Unknown said...

Mary, I feel sorry for you, I really do, your complete lack of understanding about men.

Only the truly shallow men would do as you suggest, But once again you put the blame onto men, rather than the selfish shallowness of women.

"Surely there are plenty of grooms these days who would definitely go along such weight/grooming restrictions on their fiance's friends. "

How many recently married men have you known who have said this?

How many recently married couples do you know? You seem to be stereotyping yourself. Selfish shallow men.

4:59 AM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Marbel said...

I was wondering what kind of woman would agree to the terms to be a bridesmaid, then realized that they are (hopeful) future brides themselves who would want to do the same when it's their turn. I do still wonder about the men who are marrying these brides. It seems the controlling personality must have shown up by that time the wedding is being planned, so maybe they're OK with it. Or maybe the brides are otherwise mature people who got caught up in the wedding frenzy.

Sometimes the bride's mother is the one pushing for perfection, making up for the wedding she didn't get to have.

It does seem that so often the focus is on the wedding rather than the marriage. But I don't think these are normal weddings; just more newsworthy.

7:57 AM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger flambeaux said...

So Dr. Helen, is there any movement afoot to get Big Wedding Psychosis registered as an official mental illness?

8:22 AM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Cham said...

Marbel:

Men marry women that throw $100K weddings for a very good reason. If a family has $100K to throw on a wedding they might also be giving a very substantial down payment for that first McMansion as a wedding gift. I know a man who was married recently to one of these bridezillas, 500 people at the massive wedding. He put up with 13 months of torture, but it all paid off for him quite nicely.

8:38 AM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Marbel said...

"I know a man who was married recently to one of these bridezillas, 500 people at the massive wedding. He put up with 13 months of torture, but it all paid off for him quite nicely."

Well, then I guess they are well-suited to each other, eh?

The $100,000 wedding itself does not worry me. I don't care how people spend their money, and someone has to keep the wedding business afloat. It's the attitude of perfection. My wedding was not perfect by these standards, but the parties involved seem to enjoy it. I know my husband and I had a great time. I don't get the impression most of these brides seeking perfection are able to enjoy their own weddings, and to me that is a shame.

8:55 AM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Larry J said...

Although, in the brides defense, weddings these days often cost over $100K, they aren't throwing a party they are putting on a Broadway Show. I can see why a bride and her family would want everything perfect.

Anyone who spends that kind of money on a wedding is, IMO, a moron. Depending on where you live, $100K is a good down payment on a house and/or 2 new cars.

Too many people confuse the wedding with the marriage. A wedding is a ceremony. Combined with the reception, it's all over in a few hours. A marriage is something you hope lasts the rest of your life.

My wife and I were married 25 years ago this June. That same week, US News and World Report ran a story titled "Big Weddings - They're Back!". My wife and I had the smallest wedding allowed by law (us, 2 witnesses, and the minister) and we're still going strong. I wonder how many of those couples featured in the article can say that.

Nine years ago, my youngest stepson and his terrific wife had a church wedding to bring the families together (they were married 6 months earlier in a civil ceremony). They had a wedding with almost 100 guests, a fine reception, and the whole works for about $4,000. They did a lot of the work themselves and the families joined in. Everyone had a good time and it was a lovely event.

I'd recommend any wouldbe groom of a bridezilla either get both of them in for some serious and lengthly remarital counciling or run for his life. Perhaps both.

8:55 AM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger TMink said...

Hear that sound? That beeping? It is the sound that a full cement mixing truck makes before it runs over you and you go splat!

Run little rabbit run.

Trey

8:58 AM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger dienw said...

That's a warning to the groom: run! run, boy, run!

See johny run from jane. Dick wants to play with Jane. See Dick play with Jane. Dick is stupid. Do not think like Dick.

Sorry, flow of associations got going. So did double entendre.

10:17 AM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger JohnAnnArbor said...

Wow. Every time I go to one of these "big production" weddings, I think "I want simple!"

10:41 AM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Marbel said...

"I'd recommend any wouldbe groom of a bridezilla either get both of them in for some serious and lengthly remarital counciling or run for his life. Perhaps both."

Ah, now you're talking. I have often wondered what might happen to the divorce rate if pre-marital counseling were required to get a marriage license. People complain that divorce is too easy, but I think getting married is too easy. Any two idiots can get together and marry, as I know from painful experience. It takes a little more work to marry well. When I got married (2nd time), we had extensive, serious pre-marital counseling. This was within the context of a church wedding, so it was required by the minister before he would consent to perform the ceremony.

Even people marrying in a civil ceremony, no church involvement, could really benefit from the process. We were made to think about issues we might not have come up with on our own. But, counseling can be expensive and even those putting out $100K for a wedding are unlikely to feel they can afford $120 an hour to be sure they are ready for the marriage, not just the wedding.

10:50 AM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Cham said...

Young people that are getting married often feel they don't need marital counseling. When things start going downhill in a marriage they still don't think they need counseling. When they get the final bill from the divorce attorney it is only then they say, "Perhaps some counseling would have helped."

10:59 AM, February 25, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

From what I've seen in couples around me, marriage counseling doesn't seem to work. At all.

I've seen three couples very close to me go through it, and other couples at more of a distance. Some people are enthusiastic about it in the beginning, though.

11:07 AM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Cham said...

jg:

Marriage counseling will never ever help if a marriage is already dead in the water, couples spend all their time blaming each other for everything, and neither party is willing to budge an inch. The time to go to a marriage counselor is well before things get to a breaking point.

11:09 AM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Mike said...

Marriage counseling is not itself much good if the counselor won't hold to a traditional understanding of what marriage is. One of the first questions that our counselor gave us before we got engaged was "do you believe what the Bible teaches about divorce?" If either of us said "no" or equivocated, the counselor would have politely asked us to leave his office because he wouldn't bother with a couple that believed that casual divorce is ever an option.

The problem with most young people today is that they are not willing to consider anything beyond what they want at the moment. That's why I am so sick and tired of hearing from women about male commitment issues when 72% of all divorces are initiated by women. Even if half of those cases are legitimate, and that'd be a lot of cheating and abuse from men, 36% would still be way too high to be acceptable. Most people either have no idea what is required, or they have no intention of doing what is required, to make it work.

11:26 AM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Larry J said...

Pre-marital counseling dates back quite a few years. I remember hearing a good NPR report on it about 12 years ago. A speaker challenged a group of ministers in one city to quit making their churches into marriage factories and to take active steps to reduce the divorce rate.

The counseling programs were established at the churches for a nominal cost and some were even free. Couples were required to go through counseling before being allowed to marry in a church. They were taught about what marriage is really like, communications skills, managing expectations, managing finances, and several related topics.

Preliminary results seemed to indicate that those couples who attended pre-marital counseling had fewer divorces. I don't know if long term follow up studies have been conducted or what the results might show. One thing mentioned in the program was that some couples decided they weren't marriage material and canceled the weddings. Odds are those marriages would've ended in divorce so in that regard, the counseling was successful. It sounds like a good idea to me.

This June, my wife and I will have been happily married for 25 years. I can truthfully say that I love her more now than when we got married. It is possible to have a good marriage. We briefly considered having a ceremony to "renew our vows" but decided that'd be a waste of money. We're more likely to go on a good vacation together instead. But then, being able to discuss such things and coming to agreement is part of what makes a good marriage.

11:35 AM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Derve Swanson said...

Mary, I feel sorry for you, I really do, your complete lack of understanding about men.

Oh, I'm not saying I approve. Just that I observe.

And if you think the men often aren't equal partners in the wedding charade, helping plan the festivities and eager to collect one-half the "haul", you are definitely not in touch with some of the suburban youth of today.

(And that's just it -- although this is a UK story, I imagine these kind of "values" are more particular to young people, who definitely can be insensitive and value things on looks -- guys and gals. Once you've been around a bit, character and quality tends to matter more than looks or $$$ -- the short-term "haul" these fellas would be missing out on if they took some of your advice and "ran!" before the big ceremony took place.

Sadly, I think some of you assume that guys of today don't care about looks and aren't participating in these overblown ceremonies. Something tells me you're stereotyping there from days gone by...)

11:37 AM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Derve Swanson said...

Ditto the prom game. Society has condidtioned the guys to be just as into it as the girls, in some circles...

11:38 AM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Derve Swanson said...

Anyone who spends that kind of money on a wedding is, IMO, a moron. Depending on where you live, $100K is a good down payment on a house and/or 2 new cars.

Usually though, these things are a profitable investment.

Meaning, if you're spending $100,000, chances are you're inviting hundreds, and when you put on a show like that, usually you don't get a toaster and a $50 bill, but a significant "gift" in return.

Hence the young men and women who are in it for the "haul"... (Again, not saying it's right or normal, but it is definitely done, with the tacit approval of both the bride and groom. Things have probably changed in some circles from the times some of you here have been married...)

11:42 AM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Derve Swanson said...

Reading through some of these comments, it's funny how stupid some of you portray these young men to be. As if they somehow are blinded and can't "see" what they are getting into....

"Run rabbit run", for example. Why assume that the guy is just naive and stupid and can't choose for himself? If he's dated her, asked her to marry him, and gotten an up close look at her, her family, and her values, isn't a bit stereotypical to assume he's being "taken" and too dumb to operate in his best interests?

Face it folks, the infection has spread to the guys too, and they're not innocent little rabbits who have just missed the clues about the lifestyle they'll soon be leading. Me? I pity the children they types produce...

11:49 AM, February 25, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Somehow, when I read Mary's postings, I get an image of Marsha Brady (Brady Bunch) telling her mother: "But Mom, we're a different generation now!" and then stomping her dainty little foot.

11:55 AM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger TMink said...

Marbel wrote: "but I think getting married is too easy. Any two idiots can get together and marry,:

Another interesting and cogent point from Marbel. Keep it up.

Mary, I see your point about run little rabbit run dissing guys, but we get married before our brains have cooked enough to allow us to think.

Really!

I was married at an immature 23 and had absolutely no idea what I was doing. My fault that I did not recognize my immaturity, and the normal sexual preoccupation of a young man did not help either.

So it is not my purpose to demean ths guys, just to let them borrow a clue from a been there done that older man.

Your point is well taken though.

Trey

1:12 PM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Larry J said...

I was married at an immature 23 and had absolutely no idea what I was doing. My fault that I did not recognize my immaturity, and the normal sexual preoccupation of a young man did not help either.

Sounds like a good example of small head thinking*. That's why it's a good idea for a man to delay getting married until he's at least 25.

*Every man has two heads. He's bound to get in trouble if he goes through life thinking with the small one. Example: Bill Clinton

1:49 PM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Derve Swanson said...

Somehow, when I read Mary's postings, I get an image of Marsha Brady (Brady Bunch) telling her mother: "But Mom, we're a different generation now!" and then stomping her dainty little foot.

Lol. Nice try, but trust me, I'm no Marcia Brady. Nor do I consider myself to be a part of that hip, younger, materialistic-obsessed generation.

But there's no denying, they're there, young women and young men.

ps. My "dainty little feet" are generally clad in thick-soled Remington bootware this time of year. And not for looks, either like that Doc Marten craze of a few years back.

but we get married before our brains have cooked enough to allow us to think.

Really!


Thanks Trey. It should be noted though, that not all young men fall prey to this. My brother, for one, is currently unmarried and a practicing Catholic, and much much smarter than hooking up with a young lady as described in this article soley for the sex or temporary "blindness."

It might be harder for guys, and girls, like that in the short-term, but in general, they tend to stay married for life and have stronger marriages and more secure children in the long run. So guys, it can be done! Nothing wrong with being choosy, even if people start to ask... "Why aren't you married yet?"

Nice try though...

2:42 PM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger GawainsGhost said...

Well, I thought I'd seen narcissistic personality disorder before, but this takes the cake.

If she's that controlling and manipulative of her bridemaids, imagine what she'll do once she gets a hold of a lawyer.

But then anyone who would spend $100,000 on a wedding deserves to lose four times that much in divorce court.

That said, I think this bridezilla phenomenon illustrates exactly what is wrong with modern Western women. They're all obsessed with getting married--so she can have her day and be the center of it all--but they don't prepare themselves in any way for being married.

In other words, they all want to get married but don't want to stay married. As if that's worth $100K for a ceremony and 50% of a man's income.

But don't run, boys. Just walk and leave her at the altar. Let her parents pick up the tab.

2:52 PM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger TMink said...

Hey Mary, being a Christian kept me out of a lot of trouble too, but I just did not have your brother's maturity at that age.

But I am missing the point to "nice try though..."

Trey

3:03 PM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Unknown said...

mary --

Wife and I spent $500 total. About 150 people in attendance. No gifts. Everyone (including Sam, my dog) had a great time. At a park.

Get a friggin' life if you think $100K is reasonable for a wedding. It's not a wedding at that price -- it's an advertisement. $100K is a HOUSE, a kid's full college fund, resources for a damned medical emergency.

Anyone who throws that kind of money away on a party is not worth considering as a partner.

And to the point of bridezillas. My daughter funded her own wedding and ponied up the cost of the bride maid's dresses (not shoes). Her dress (custom made by a pro costumer friend) was a no show and yet -- despite obviously great stress -- she did not scream, shout or throw a fit, but went to a bride's store and bought a replacement. When Kathleen showed the morning of -- despite great stress -- she did not throw a fit, but put aside the spare and wore the self-designed frock.

A classier bride I have not had the privilege of knowing (obviously biased).

Oh yes. Two bride's maids were overweight and two groomsmen were butt-ugly. Oddly, no one seemed to care. You see, they were friends, not employees.

3:09 PM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Derve Swanson said...

But I am missing the point to "nice try though..."

Trey


Trey, Sorry if it wasn't clear. That was aimed at the fellow who assumed, erroneously, that I suppored these types of wedding ceremonies, and thus must be a Marcia Brady type with dainty little feet.

I'm sorry that you didn't have the maturity to choose a better partner the first time around. I think the more we can impress on kids today that marraige should not be taken lightly, the better. Particularly for the children born into the first go-around, who often don't have the benefit of growing up with two parents in the home. I don't think my brother is all that unusual for his young maturity. It might depend more on the upbringing of the child, or the family values transmitted though. (We don't have many divorces in the family, so "choose wisely" has always been a given.)

Wife and I spent $500 total. About 150 people in attendance. No gifts. Everyone (including Sam, my dog) had a great time. At a park.

Get a friggin' life if you think $100K is reasonable for a wedding.


Wow. So much anger here. I'm definitely not defending spending $100,000, but I am honest enough to admit that clearly it is done. With the consent of both bride and groom, and their families.

I don't feel the need to use my own personal example of marriages and wedding budgets, but suffice it to say, I'm with you in ultimately thinking the marriage is much much more valued over throwing the wedding "party". (I'm pretty cheap like that myself, and not at all into "putting on a show!".)

The whole point is: it's not just the women nowadays who go in for those big productions. (Bachelor's party in Vegas anyone?)

3:49 PM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Derve Swanson said...

Sorry Trey. I re-read and saw somehow, my comment to you was inserted before the "Nice try though line..." That should have gone immediately after the "dainty feet comment". It was written that way; I must have just put the cursor before that line, so it ended up at the end of the comment. Honestly.

Sorry it read that way!

3:52 PM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Derve Swanson said...

$100K is a HOUSE, a kid's full college fund, resources for a damned medical emergency.

And I'm sure many of those big weddings collect well over $100,000. Which can then be used to purchase an even bigger house and chunk of property. So it can financially make sense that way, in some circles.

Especially when you consider some of those wedding costs can be tax-deductible, as I understand it...

It's a different world when you have money, I suppose. We can only imagine.

3:55 PM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Derve Swanson said...

We ought to take a poll here...

How much do you suppose the final tab for Barbara Bush's wedding will come to?

3:58 PM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Derve Swanson said...

Or is it Jenna?

3:58 PM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Derve Swanson said...

And how much do you think she and her future husband will collect in gifts from the guests: family and family friends?

Somehow, I don't think all those spending $100,000 are necessarily losing money on the deal.

4:00 PM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Larry J said...

Mary, you don't seem to understand. Spending even half of $100k on a wedding is a foolish indulgence. Statistics show that one of the top causes of divorce (if not the #1 cause) is financial stress. Anyone who wastes that kind of money on a party is very unlikely to have any discipline when it comes to managing money. That's a marriage that's odds on more likely to fail.

I seriously doubt they'll be coming out on the positive side by hoping to score over $100K in wedding gifts. Most rational people don't give multithousand dollar wedding gifts. Even if they did, unless you cash in the gifts you're still out the wedding costs. Not only is it a bad investment, it makes the whole thing seem mercenary.

4:26 PM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger mbet said...

Frankly, I don't see the positives regarding being a bridesmaid.

Well, I've been in several wedding parties now as a bridesmaid/maid of honor, so I can say with some authority that, when done right, the bridesmaid thing is a positive experience. By "right" I mean that, for example, you're doing it for a good friend whose wedding you'd be helping out with anyway. The bridesmaid status just formalizes your role and gives you a little extra recognition. I also mean that the dresses are reasonably priced and reasonably attractive - I've worn a couple of my outfits, either whole or in parts, on other locations - and that the bride is a relatively reasonable human being. The bridesmaid/no bridesmaid thing also helps set expectations in advance - if I'm a bridesmaid, I know that I'm going to need to help throw the shower, attend the rehearsal dinner, be available for confabs with the bride the night before, etc. etc. And throwing showers can be fun - the problem comes when the bride has outsized expectations. (I note that, in the NYPost article, the bride in question plans to plan the shower herself...but presumably make the bridesmaids fund the whole thing. Ick. No. That's a recipe for disaster.)

The real problem with bridesmaiding comes when either side has expectations that do not match the other, and/or when bridesmaids are picked for reasons other than friendship/family connections. If you pick a woman you barely know as a bridesmaid because she'll look good on the altar, you deserve what you get (and vice versa). And, of course, there's the money thing. It's a bit different for everyone. A good bride will act to ensure that money is not the only thing standing between her best friend and bridesmaiding, but a lot of brides and grooms lose their minds and only regain their sanity after the wedding as they realize that certain friendships have been wrecked together. And it can work the other way around. I read a letter to an advice columnist the other day in which the bride wrote about how she had been a bridesmaid for her two best friends, spending more than $200 on a dress each time plus multiple other expenses - only, when her wedding time came, to have them sit her down and "explain" that they couldn't possibly pay more than $80 for a dress, because, after all, they have children to feed! I think that's a case where the money issue is masking bigger factors, and that's not uncommon in complicated weddings. (And by the way, while I understand asking someone to refrain from getting a purple mohawk or super-obvious tan lines, the weight thing is terminally obnoxious. There are beautiful outfits available for women of all sizes, and confusing your wedding party with a collection of Barbie dolls only makes you look too immature to get hitched.)

Wedding attendants aren't a necessity, God knows, but having them is a longstanding ritual, and in some cases, a cherished one. I have had a great time as a bridesmaid. That having been said, having fun as a bridesmaid involves a lot of mature behavior on both sides, as well as a bride (and groom) who see the wedding as merely a passage to a fulfilling married life rather than as an end to itself. I think the brides with the bridesmaid contracts are actually doing their 'maids a big favor by outlining their insanity in advance rather than springing it on them in dribs and drabs, but maybe that's just me.

4:49 PM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger # 56 said...

Keep in mind this wedding is on Long Island. In all likelihood Mary is not off regarding the couple's haul. It is a fair assumption her dad is footing the bill. With "gifts" running 200-500$ a couple I doubt they clear 100g, but they don't have to. She is spending daddy's money, the "gifts" hit the couple's account. But really it comes down to who wants to marry a person that would treat her closest friends like that?

4:54 PM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger TMink said...

Mary, I gotcha, thanks for reducing my already brimming load of confusion!

Take care.

Trey

6:07 PM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Derve Swanson said...

Trey,
I really can't apologize enough for mis-understanding you way back when. I was wrong clearly, and I admit it. Very easy to miscommunicate online, but I was wrong even with any misunderstandings then. Lately I've noticed you always seem to be positive and take the high road in your commenting. It really does bring out the best in others, so sorry again and thank you for your input in various comment sections. You are one of the good guys, and you are appreciated for that. Take care you too! Mary.

7:31 PM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Marbel said...

"But really it comes down to who wants to marry a person that would treat her closest friends like that?"

Young men who have been conditioned by the culture, by tv, by their parents, by their fiancees... that it is normal to treat one's friends like that.

8:34 PM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger B. Durbin said...

I was a bridesmaid only once— for my sister— and one of the perks was that she picked out some classy dresses off the rack, so I've worn mine any time I need nice evening wear (to the point where I've had to sew the straps back on.)

That's the kind of experience most women think they're going to get when they sign up to be a bridesmaid. Good fellowship, a little pre-wedding noshing with the bride, a nice seat at the bridal table, and all. The only part I didn't like was that the shoes were the most painful contraptions I've ever stuck on my feet, but I had a spare pair of sandals for the reception and nobody cared.

It's pretty clear what's missing in these kinds of stories— consideration. When I got married I well knew that my attendants might not have a lot of cash, so I specified parameters for the dress and by golly, the colors matched perfectly, *and* they managed to find them on sale. It's not hard; just try the Golden Rule.

8:49 PM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Cham said...

I was my older sister's bridesmaid. Her dress was hideous, and she gave me a dress to wear that was even uglier than hers. I put it on, did what I had to do, stood for the pics, enjoyed the reception and then gave the dress back. Worked for me. I hope those pics don't surface too often.

9:19 AM, February 26, 2008  
Blogger TMink said...

Wow Mary, thanks. I was touched by your kindness. And honest, I was confused, not hurt. There are no problems between you and me, and have not been.

I agree about written communication being different. When I am writing, I am only thinking about making my point, it is me and me. When I am speaking, I am looking at and listening to the person with whom I am speaking, so it is a two person event.

Let me thank you as well, I appreciate your posts and our discussions. Rock on.

Trey

1:55 PM, February 26, 2008  
Blogger Unknown said...

Counseling before marriage might help in some cases, but the problem is that people change so much over time and it's hard to tell in advance what they are going to change INTO. This seems to be even more true with women than with men: a 25 year old woman and the 50 year old she will become are practically two different species, no more alike than a cat and a dog. And I'm not talking about physical appearance.

2:36 PM, February 26, 2008  
Blogger Unknown said...

Mary --

"Get a friggin' life if you think $100K is reasonable for a wedding."

Wow. So much anger here. I'm definitely not defending spending $100,000, but I am honest enough to admit that clearly it is done.

Do not mistake disdain for anger. Since that was text, you couldn't see the rolled eyes as I typed.

Since you do not defend it, that comment is obviously not about you. I too, admit it's done. It is done, however, by people with no sense of reality. As I said.

With the consent of both bride and groom, and their families.

That removes the idiocy how?

My opinions are my own and I express them when I want. If those spending 100K+ on a wedding are offended... Meh. I shall not awaken screaming at 2AM.

5:08 PM, February 26, 2008  
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