Monday, July 23, 2007

Alert the Media: Girlfriend Shocked by Feelings of Jealousy when Wife Won't Leave Boyfriend's House

Fausta at Fausta's blog sent me this article from the NYT's entitled "The House of No Personal Pronouns." The writer of the article, Ada Brunstein, provides us with a glimpse into her rather pathological life in which she is living with her "boyfriend," his wife, and her lover as well as a cat. The article reads like some kind of twisted satire from the Onion when the author contemplates why she is jealous of the wife's presence around the apartment they all share, complete with side by side toothbrushes. As if this isn't enough, the author complains that the wife leaves all of her things around the apartment and she finds herself feeling hostile towards the woman's clothes that are thrown all over the house. As if she has an epiphany, this disgruntled girlfriend states:

WOMEN don’t wage war the way men wage war, not at first, not unless there’s no other way. Men wage war in the open plains and deserts, donning full body armor, lugging lethal weapons. Women wage battles so imperceptibly that it’s not always clear there’s a battle at all, like tremors in the earth that you can’t quite feel, but you may notice the wind is suddenly odd or the animals are acting funny.


Lady, the war's out in the open, you just don't have a clue. This woman is so unaware of her ridiculous situation that she has to wait for the house cat to act funny and start taking a whiz on her and her boyfriend's bed and then on the wife and her boyfriend's bed before she gets the idea that something is amiss. What a psychic.

Ms. Brunstein justifies her decision to move in with the boyfriend and his wife with this pathetic challenge to herself:

At first I liked the edginess of it all. I considered it a personal challenge. In the past, my jealousies had gotten the better of me. I once argued with a boyfriend over whether I would be O.K. with him sleeping with Uma Thurman (should he ever have the chance). Two months later she showed up in a bar we frequented in the West Village and the argument started all over again.

That was the old me. This was going to be the new me. A stronger, cooler, nothing-fazes-me sort of girlfriend who would prove I’ve outgrown the formerly jealous me. I would be unconventional, brave, hip and oh-so-bohemian in my nonchalance.


Girlfriend, you are so utterly conventional (who isn't trying to be edgy in Manhattan?), cowardly, out-of-control and gullible in this situation that if you can't see that, I have some swampland in Florida to tell you about. You haven't outgrown anything, you are as immature and naive as an adolescent who wonders if she can get pregnant by kissing. A mature adult realizes what he or she can and can't live with, they do not ignore their feelings in order to be considered cool and "edgy." The "new you" is not new and improved, it is regressive and immature and cares more about appearances than about substance, but then, isn't that what forcing yourself to be "edgy" when you may not be is all about? Real edginess and bravery in the relationship realm is about knowing what kind of relationship you feel comfortable with, and following suit, even if you look like a dork.

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59 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why can't I (as a man) meet women like this? The only thing I would change is that I would have two girlfriends in the house and not a wife.

9:02 AM, July 23, 2007  
Blogger Oligonicella said...

Anon - To paraphrase the Chinese, "May you live in those interesting times." Come back and relate after you've healed.

9:14 AM, July 23, 2007  
Blogger P. Rich said...

Reads like an auto-biography by one of the airheads on "Friends".

9:25 AM, July 23, 2007  
Blogger Mel said...

"I would be unconventional, brave, hip and oh-so-bohemian in my nonchalance."

She should get a tattoo, also, because only really cool people have those. And then she can get caramel macchiatos at Starbucks and write cool things on her stylish laptop. And drive a Saab! And trendy night life and stuff too. [YAWN]

On the other hand, this makes me happy my parents raised me with a good moral compass. I have a sweetheart wife, two beautiful little girls, a houseful of cats, and an extended family that's strong enough to survive itself. Hell, my mom let go of her hatred of my biological father to the point where his children by his other wives are welcome in her house, and my true (adopted) father loves them (and me) just as much as his biological children.

Too bad the NYT doesn't find that printworthy.

10:05 AM, July 23, 2007  
Blogger Cham said...

To me, this post is identical to the one below about Harry Potter. If you like Harry Potter that is fine with me but I'm not feeling it. If you want to live with your boyfriend, his wife and a cat that pees willy nilly, that is fine too. I'm not going to legislate the lifestyle of other people, I guess that is the tolerant demlib in me.

10:24 AM, July 23, 2007  
Blogger Helen said...

Cham,

No one here has mentioned a word about legislation of this woman's relationships. That is the paranoid "demlib" in you that puts the "the personal is political" schema to work regardless of whether it fits or not.

10:52 AM, July 23, 2007  
Anonymous Someone else said...

I have recently found myself in a similar situation. The boyfriend is divorced from the wife, but it is getting more and more uncomfortable for me when I visit there. The chill in the air is becoming more obvious every time I visit. I don't quite know what to do at this point. I don't want to give the guy up, but visiting his home is becoming stressful. I can't insist that she leave, that is not my place and there are still children there that still need their mom. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me, but the 'extra features' are a bit disconcerting.

11:01 AM, July 23, 2007  
Blogger TMink said...

I thought the point of the post was that this type of living arrangement is ludicrous on the face of it, and someone with a bit of sense would not enter into it or tolerate it. For me, it brings home, yet again, that some ideas are wonderful in theory but foolish in practice. Human nature is a powerful force, and all the progressive (or regressive for that matter) ideology in the world will not succeed if it does not take human nature into account.

But maybe I missed the point entirely.

Trey

11:02 AM, July 23, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Neurotic New Yorkers Behave Neurotically - News at 11.

11:07 AM, July 23, 2007  
Anonymous Ellen said...

Sigh. I am so conventional - I simply wouldn't make it in Manhattan. However, unlike the chick in the article - I'm pretty happy all things considered. I'll take that.

11:32 AM, July 23, 2007  
Anonymous D said...

dunno, Helen, I think you and the NYT have both been punk'd

EVEN THOUGH... I've known some powerfully strange people...

reminds me of Dirk Gently and his houskeeper and cleaning the fridge in Long Dark Teatime of the Soul each person unwilling to do something simple, as IF it is some kind of battle of wills...

and a Dark and Angry god emerges.

in this situation it looks like the cat is running the show, really. It's a frighteningly subtle experiment in the cat scientific world...

11:32 AM, July 23, 2007  
Blogger Eleanor Deakin said...

How very icky. At this stage I feel comfortable with no relationship, so I'm comfortable appearing selfish, cynical and cold!

12:23 PM, July 23, 2007  
Blogger Bugs said...

She'll never make a bohemian. She's just trying to make the best of a weird living arrangement. A true boho would flourish in it, flaunt it, and make fun of the rest of us whose cats use the litterbox.

12:35 PM, July 23, 2007  
Blogger El Duderino said...

I see no problem living in a ménage a quatre, so long as everyone involved is a consenting adult. But to bring an innocent cat into such a situation is just bizarre, not to mention cruel. Won’t somebody please think of the cat?

1:29 PM, July 23, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There sure are some "off characters" in the world so this is no surprise, really. It just shows that Society is having some serious problems and this "boyfriend/husband" is having a great lark of it all, I'm sure. Maybe he is masochistic as well... Something to ponder I suppose.

I'm so glad that their are no children involved in "that relationship" as that would really twist things for the child.

Strange stuff for sure. A fine example of how Societal Acceptance / Tolerance has gone "whacky".

1:46 PM, July 23, 2007  
Blogger knicksgrl0917 said...

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3:18 PM, July 23, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe the author of the article should consider getting a different boyfriend? Or perhaps should stop complaining. One or the other.

3:34 PM, July 23, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is no "edgy" relationship!! It is a bunch of losers living together inanapartment,and then acting passive-aggressive about it. What they deserve is a nice, good southern whupin', which will bring themback to their senses!!!
Dumb fools!!!

4:18 PM, July 23, 2007  
Blogger Bugs said...

People like this have been around...well, basically forever. We just didn't have to hear about them all the time as we do today.

4:40 PM, July 23, 2007  
Blogger Kirk said...

The marvel, to me, is not that there is someone in the world as messed up as this author claims to be. Rather, it's the the "Paper of Record" thinks it's worth anyone else reading about.

4:43 PM, July 23, 2007  
Anonymous carol said...

I remember this sort of ethos coming into fashion in LA circa 1970. It's probably Romanticism, never having gone away really. But women were actually feeling guilty about being jealous! There had to be something terribly wrong with you if you wanted an exclusive relationship. In reality I think it was an inner accommodation we were trying to make with the way things were--chaotic to say the least.

Similarly, around 1974 some women I knew were feeling guity about not being gay or bisexual.

I moved to Montana where things were a little more staightforward. I think you can go against your nature, uh, not very much.

4:43 PM, July 23, 2007  
Anonymous carol said...

I remember this sort of ethos coming into fashion in LA circa 1970. It's probably Romanticism, never having gone away really. But women were actually feeling guilty about being jealous! There had to be something terribly wrong with you if you wanted an exclusive relationship. In reality I think it was an inner accommodation we were trying to make with the way things were--chaotic to say the least.

Similarly, around 1974 some women I knew were feeling guity about not being gay or bisexual.

I moved to Montana where things were a little more staightforward. I think you can go against your nature, uh, not very much.

4:43 PM, July 23, 2007  
Anonymous Jephnol said...

Some people shape their thoughts with experience; others spend a lifetime trying to shape experience to fit their thinking. I would like to promise people in the latter category that no amount of wishful thinking is going to make workable ideas out of nonsense. And I think it would be as good a time as any for Ms. Brunstein to grapple with the notion that disillusionment may be a good thing.

5:43 PM, July 23, 2007  
Anonymous JKB said...

That's the bad thing about human nature, it doesn't care how cool or edgy you want to be. All those countless humans in the past millennia who murdered, fought wars, and built or destroyed great monuments over unrequited love didn't do it because they were lacking a liberal education. They too were nonchalant right up until the obsession coursed through their blood and their passion vented all over their rival.

Is it me or are we seeing more and more surprised reports that all is not well in the collective? Here is a woman who is surprised to find that she just can't be that nothing-fazes girlfriend. The Daily Mail ran a story by a woman who couldn't understand why her mixed-race baby feels alien to her. It appears that all the cooler than you, edgy attitudes are breaking up when they smack into human nature and reality.

6:09 PM, July 23, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Women are more subtle and vicious than men. Check.

Women are more vulnerable to the latest brand of hokum than men. Also check.

The 'edgy' generally aren't. Check again.

Trying to outsmart the morality that is based on your nature is not smart. Check and double check.

If this type of person becomes widespread, America is doomed, doomed I tell ya'.

Check please.

Tennwriter

9:09 PM, July 23, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dr Helen, what is your problem? Your blog is all about finding any stupid thing a woman does and generalizing the heck out of it. Have you considered that you might have some issue with being a woman? If a man wrote a blog that dedicated half it's entries to how stupid and naive men are I would wonder about him too.

11:00 PM, July 23, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Real edginess and bravery in the relationship realm is about knowing what kind of relationship you feel comfortable with, and following suit, even if you look like a dork.

anon11pm:
I think she's prepping herself for staying with the InstaHusband, even after his media star dims somewhat as his former political views catch up to him. Heh. Hang on to those coattails sistah, even if you two look like dorks. Heh. Better yet, why not develop yourself more (heheh) since you've really ridden that "Ten" teen violence speciality 'bout as far as you can. Amazing mileage btw.

11:13 PM, July 23, 2007  
Blogger MikeT said...

Anonymous,

When was the last time you saw a man write something this stupid in a lifestyle section? The reason that it is so easy for Dr. Helen to write like this is because generally it is women, not men, sticking their necks out like this.

Just go to a feminist blog. Only there do you see many, many of the women clucking about how it's their God-given right to go to a seedy bar at 2AM, alone, downtown in a big city, get wasted and have no possibility of getting raped, mugged, murdered, etc. We're not talking hypothetical here, which we would all agree to, but rather they simply cannot accept the existence of evil men and women who would do heinous things to them in such a setting.

If a man wrote that he should be able to walk down a poor section of town wearing a high end Rolex, custom-fitted Armani and Gucci, $20,000+ of gold/diamond bling and not get mugged, he'd be lampooned as an abject moron who can't accept reality. Such is the difference that you seem to miss.

11:19 PM, July 23, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please give me the link to this feminist blog. I don't think it exists except in your fevered imagination.

12:02 AM, July 24, 2007  
Blogger Michael Maier said...

Douchebag central:

http://www.pandagon.net/

12:32 AM, July 24, 2007  
Blogger Michael Maier said...

And that's one I know about w/out even ever going LOOKING for such a vapid blog/site.

12:32 AM, July 24, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, you are a total douchebag.

12:37 AM, July 24, 2007  
Blogger Jill said...

When I read this in Sunday's NYT, I wanted to slap all dumb Ada upside the head, and say, "jesus, what a bunch of losers".

Why does the Times print this shit?

1:42 AM, July 24, 2007  
Blogger jw said...

Weird!

A nice simple life is a lot easier on a person. Maybe she should try it.

5:23 AM, July 24, 2007  
Anonymous Graham said...

Olig: You rock, as usual.

Helen: You want I should have a discussion with some of these haters?

Liberals: Sometimes you need to show up even if there's no party.

Conservatives: Sometimes you need to show up even if there's no execution.

Libertarians: Sometimes taxes are a good thing.

Now, I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse.

I just need to get over my hang-over before I decide what it is.

5:40 AM, July 24, 2007  
Blogger TMink said...

Anon wrote: "Your blog is all about finding any stupid thing a woman does and generalizing the heck out of it."

That is too funny! "Your blog is all about generalizing."

Amazing! Do you own a mirror?

Too funny!

Trey

8:55 AM, July 24, 2007  
Blogger serket said...

cham: If you want to live with your boyfriend, his wife and a cat that pees willy nilly, that is fine too.

I thought there were four people, counting the wife's lover. They don't even have children so I have no idea why the two are even married. I guess to prove something to the world? They need to divorce and the two couples need to live in separate apartments and somebody please start taking care of that cat!

1:42 PM, July 24, 2007  
Anonymous JKB said...

"Dr Helen, what is your problem? Your blog is all about finding any stupid thing a woman does and generalizing the heck out of it. Have you considered that you might have some issue with being a woman?"

Careful Doc, you seem to be disrupting the collective. It is interesting they say "you might have some issues with being a woman" rather than with women. Don't question the clique or you'll be be denied your gender.

4:55 PM, July 24, 2007  
Anonymous Evil Pundit said...

I think Anon 11.00 and Anon 11.13 are the same troll, talking to himself.

10:01 PM, July 24, 2007  
Blogger Bugs said...

Itself.

11:54 AM, July 25, 2007  
Anonymous Graham Strouse said...

I'm beginning to think Ann Coulter had the right idea about how best to deal with the NYT.

And that's just plain depressing.

3:33 PM, July 25, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wrong evilpundit.
anon 11.13

7:21 PM, July 25, 2007  
Blogger TMink said...

Ok, one of the anon says that there are two of them. Now I am convinced!

Sheesh!

Trey

7:43 PM, July 25, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just because you choose to post online anonymously does not mean one is a liar. Honestly.

I've noted that you often go chasing after one anon here, and assume it's all one. It's not.

How do I know? I post anonymously. It's just a button to click there. Odds are, more than one person will choose it.

Hard to imagine, but it's a big big big online world. There's more than one rude anony, unfortunately, and it makes them all look bad.

anon11.13

4:01 PM, July 26, 2007  
Blogger Oligonicella said...

Anon 4:01 -- How to tell apart?

2:09 PM, July 27, 2007  
Anonymous Graham said...

You know, this could be a movie plot now that I think on it.

Lemme think...

How about:

The husband: Christian Bale
The Wife: Gwyneth Paltrow
The girlfriend: Parker Posey

Bale is sort of a throwaway. I guess I just pay more attention to actresses. Sorry.

7:03 PM, July 27, 2007  
Blogger br549 said...

The only way I can even equate to this person's situation is with leftovers in the frig.

Fish seems to permeate everything in there if left too long before being finished off. And we all know about fish and relatives.

But really, who in their right mind would voluntarily be in that type situation? Who in their right mind would print it as a newspaper article? It must have been for filler. Otherwise, what's the point?

10:55 AM, July 28, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hell, we have people like that in the South, too. They live in trailer parks. You can see them on "Cops" every Saturday night.

5:28 PM, August 02, 2007  
Blogger Alice H said...

Only problem, Graham, is that the plot would be boring and stupid. Just like people who try to be 'edgy'.

6:11 PM, August 02, 2007  
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