The Carnival of Homeschooling
The 22nd Carnival of Homeschooling is up at The Common Room. I found this post on how step parents feel about their step kids troubling. What do you think--can step parents care as much about their stepkids as they do about their biological kids?
posted by Helen at 1:38 PM
10 Comments:
I hate these articles where they say something's twice as likely (or whatever) without giving the base rate. If we're talking about one in a million versus two in a million the effect might be real but not worth worring about compared to other factors.
In terms of the step parents... there's also not enough information to make a decision. How old were the kids when the marriage happened? People are sometimes surprised when I mention my "mother's husband" and say something like "gee, you must really hate your stepdad to describe him that way" and I point out they haven't been married as long as I have and that usually ends it.
If you carry the love is gentic only argument to an extreme this also seems to imply that adoption is a non-starter which certainly doesn't seem to be the case in all the adoptive families I've known.
Doug Wade,
You make a good point about adoption. I have read articles that find people love adoptive children as much as biological ones. I wonder, however, if adoption is different in that both people decide to adopt. In the step case, the children are there already and the biological parent has a special affinity for them.
I have seen lovely step parents but I have also seen step parents who seem to put the needs of their own biological children first--sometimes without even realizing that they are doing so.
Love is many things. I'm never going to nurse my step-kids or watch them take their first steps, but one thing I may be able to do for them is... homeschooling!
The problem with these studies in my view is they seem to advocate the "stick it together at all costs" school of marriage: which took a big chunk of my life away, which was bad for- yes- my children.
What we need: divorce education, co-parenting education, step-parenting education. Everyone with a divorced parent in their family needs to learn about those things in order to help better. Human beings are always going to make dumb marriage choices, and the idea you can solve that on religion, willpower and goodwill alone is a lie.
I've seen the same statistics she's talking about, but statistics are of limited value when talking about real people with real relationships.
I think the stats are higher for the same reason that they are higher for any profession where adults have access to other people's kids- predators who like to abuse kids do not hang out where there are no kids. Some creeps look for a relationship bringing children into the home so that they have good cover and easy access. It's not really a question about 'can step parents love their step kids?' Of course they can and do- but it's also important to realize that some scoundrels put the rush on a single parent for nefarious reasons.
As adoptive parents, I know that it does not require a biological connection to be crazy about your kids.
I've seen some beautiful step-parent/step-child relationships.
I've seen some really ugly ones. I've seen kids horribly abused by a step parent or the 'Significant Other' of their biological parent, and I've been abused by my own biological parent.
People are individuals, not statistics, although the statistics should warn the concerned single parent to be doubly careful about people who date you- listen to your kids and be careful.
I think it is difficult to say exactly what is going on because we don't know exaclty what the statistics are telling us. While it may be that the divorce itself is causing the problems, it may also be that people who have a difficult time forming healthy relationships are more likely to have a divorce...and also fail to protect their children. I don't know that we can tell for sure whether we are measuring the cause of the abuse to these children or yet another symptom of a deeper problem.
It's a "heart" issue. A changed heart can do anything. Otherwise...I doubt stepchildren have much of a chance. For that matter...the same goes for birth children.
g
As both a parent and a stepparent, I believe you can grow to love your stepchildren. I am blessed with a wonderful daughter and three fine stepchildren, and I can't imagine my life without any of them. I didn't see all the special "firsts" with my stepchildren like I did with my daughter, but they have a place in my heart reserved just for them. Some days and some stages weren't easy, but raising children isn't supposed to be easy.
You asked a question: Can step parents care as much about their step children as they do about their biological kids.
My answer is yes, I get to see it. Everyday. My wife loves our oldest child from my previous marriage as much as she loves the children from our marriage. My eyes fill with tears of gratitude as I type this.
And in my work and with my friends I see men and women who love their children, regardless of their origin. I have decided that families are about love, not genetics. I was adopted as an infant, my sister too. Our parents loved us and we love each other. My daughter loves her mothers, and they love her. Our youngest children were donnor embryoes, not our genetics at all and we love them with all our heart.
The ability to love, like the ability to empathize with another's experience, is like a virus. You catch it from another person and then you are different. And if you catch it well, you can even pass it on to others.
Trey
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