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Monday, March 12, 2007

How to Make Yourself Happy and Less Disturbable

I was talking with Ann Althouse on Bloggingheads.tv about learning to accept rejection as part of life, which is good advice for bloggers! I learned about this "accept rejection" philosophy early in my career from one of psychology's wise gurus, Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. In a recent short interview in Psychology Today, Ellis talks about self confidence, having a happy existence and learning to accept rejection no matter what. And he should know as his own institute tried to oust him. Ellis encourages people to "keep moving, moving, moving and to try scary things and not to give a s**t when they are rejected." He practices what he preaches as he developed the "shame-attacking exercise" when he was 19 years old:

Legendary psychologist Albert Ellis pioneered the "shame-attacking exercise" in 1933 at age 19, when he decided to approach every woman who sat down alone on a bench at the New York Botanical Garden. "Thirty walked away immediately," he told the New York Times. "I talked with the other 100, for the first time in my life, no matter how anxious I was. Nobody vomited and ran away. Nobody called the cops."

And Ellis learned he wouldn't die from rejection. Of the first 130 women he went up to, he got only one date, he said, but "with the second 100, I got good and made a few dates"—and, eventually, got to be "one of the best picker-uppers of women in the United States."


Okay, so this was 1933, who knows what would happen today--just imagine if one of the ballbusters from Pandagon or Feministing sat down on that bench, but that's beside the point. The point is, learn to not only accept rejection, but to welcome it, it seems that it is the only way to overcome the irrational belief that the world owes you. It doesn't. Of course, one should fight injustice, but the irrational belief that the world should be nice to you just because you are you is a sure way to end up disappointed about life.

If you would like to try some of Ellis's techniques to reduce anxiety and gain a sense of mastery over your social reactions, try reading How to Make Yourself Happy and Remarkably Less Disturbable. At 93, his advice is still ahead of its time.

Update: Professor Althouse responds to this post and makes a common mistake in thinking that taken to the extreme, not caring about rejection from others could lead one to be a sociopath. Quite the contrary, a sociopath often cares deeply about what others think about him or her and feels angry if others do not think they are "special" and entitled to greatness. In fact, one of the ways to spot a sociopath in projective testing is by excessive empathy with others; sociopaths are generally very in tune with what people think and feel--they have to be in order to manipulate them. "If you cannot understand and think like your opponent, how can you put one over on them?" thinks the sociopath. It is all superficial, of course.

Think of the psychopathic and narcissistic traits of a Bill Clinton type--he was very sensitive to what people thought of him--almost to a fault in that he wanted to be loved and admired by everyone, yet lied to the American public about his affair with Lewinsky, and used friends to lie on his behalf. The healthy ability to accept rejection in day to day life that Ellis is referring to has little in common with the sociopathic personality, but rather, is the ability to accept (not like) life's hardships and other people's imperfections and leads to greater perseverance, patience, and the ability to get along with others. These traits are exactly the opposite of those displayed by a sociopath.

46 comments:

  1. Oligonicella,

    High self esteem is both overrated and misunderstood. People are such conformists now that they will do anything to be liked and to have "high self esteem." This is nothing but a buzz word for narcissism. True self confidence is setting goals, sticking to them and not being swayed by every crackpot that comes by--even popular crackpots like the MSM.

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  2. Seriously? You needed to hear it from an expert--as a "philosophy"--before you thought it was a good idea to accept rejection? And here I thought it was just good sense.

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  3. Speaking of self-esteem, and in the spirit of the reading I have just done on the possible bursting of the housing market bubble, how far away is the bursting of the self-esteem bubble? Like last week's topic of male bashing, the concept of self-esteem building (antithetical, I might add, to organized male bashing) in young people as a necessity to raising effective and healthy young people seems to be falling out of favor. Will we see a bursting of the bubble or will it fade away with a whimper or worse, will the self-esteem promoting zealots -- everyone is special, Dash -- continue to have their day?

    By the way, I really enjoyed the Althouse-Reynolds & Smith bloggingheads episode. Good stuff all around, minus the occasional moment of crosstalk.

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  4. I once interviewed a journalist for a large metropolitan weekly. One of the questions was, What is the most important thing for somebody wanting to work in journalism? She said you had to develop a great comform with rejection: As a working journalist charged with finding her own story ideas, she said 80% of them were shot down by her editor. While that's not quite so bad as being rejected by 129 of 130, it would be very discouraging for a person in the wrong frame of mind.

    Nick Kasoff
    The Thug Report

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  5. "High self-esteem is both overrated
    and misunderstood. People are such conformists now that they will do anything to be liked and have 'high self esteem.'" If a person truly had high self-esteem, would he be a conformist and care that much much about being liked?

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  6. Do you have a dog? Does he stay indoors? Does he go crazy when the doorbell rings? Is it ever for him?

    That's learning to deal with rejection.

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  7. "Sometimes your low self esteem is just your good common sense talking" is my favorite line from a movie.

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  8. Think sales for a living. Or President. Two methods of making a living one has to believe in oneself and what one is doing to be able to survive, much less thrive.

    oligonicella....humor!

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  9. Bilwick asked "If a person truly had high self-esteem, would he be a conformist and care that much much about being liked?"

    Some people with high esteem are conformists because it suits them, they like it like that. Same with being liked.

    Having REALISTIC self esteem means that your conform for yourself and trust that you will find people that like you. Low self-esteem would mean that you conform in order for people to like you or feel desperate that everyone must like you instead of confident that you can find people who like you for you.

    Unrealistically high self esteem could lead to not seeing that other people think that you are a jerk or thinking that everyone who does not like you is a jerk.

    Trey

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  10. I do believe that many on the left are looking for ego-boosts from their fellow-travelers on the left when they see how they can outdo each other in Bush-bashing. And then the self-esteem takes a dive when they spout their anti-Bush BS at a party containing strangers and they get scolded for being such a boor.

    -- Garry K

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  11. "conform for youself . . . ." What does that mean?

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  12. I think we all deal with "rejection" issues on some level. Some feel it more then others, depending on their background and history. I like the advise he gives. Great post by the way and very helpful!

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  13. Hey Bilwick, I conform to the speed limit on rainy days because I think it is in my best interest to do so. I get my hair cut when it finally gets so long that I think it will freak out patients and hurt my work.

    I guess "conform for myself" means that I choose where and when to conform to social pressure or expectations based on enlightened self interest rather than a sene of external pressure or fear of rejection.

    I expect to get rejected and know I will be just fine, so I so not need to conform to societal expectations for that reason. I also know that if I TRY to conform to social expectations, I will still be rejected because I cannot please everyone all the time.

    I choose to conform to no smoking policies, to the anti-marijuana laws, and to the 10 commandments (well, I TRY to conform to those) because I believe it is best to conform in those instances.

    I do not conform to dress expectations, political pressure, parenting pressure, or spurious criticism or attacks because I don't think anyone knows any better than I in those areas or has and right to force my behavior.

    Being a total non-conformist would be driven behavior too, I would HAVE to rebel to prove a point. Instead, I pick and choose where to conform because I believe I am qualified and psychologically tough enough to deal with the consequences.

    Trey

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  14. Well, glad you brought this up. Because I thought about it when I watched the Bloggingheads video.

    It doesn't seem to me that you "accept rejection" or criticism well here on this blog.

    I'm just sayin'.

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  15. i am a optimist by nature, but a pessimist by inclination.

    i hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

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  16. And anon824:

    The key is my dog always BELIEVES the person at the door did, in fact, come to see her.

    There is no convincing her otherwise.

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  17. Oh, and "disturbable"? Not in the dictionary.

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  18. Anonymous,

    Pick a name and stick around. You're funny.

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  19. Helen,
    Great post! I read it to two of my teenagaers, because of the wisdom about learning to accept rejection. I also loved the way you talked about how sociopaths may become experts at empathy, so as to know better how to manipulate! And you could not have used a better example than Bill Clinton.

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  20. When MLK spoke out against the Vietnam war in March 1967, he got attacked from all sides. 'King felt cut off even from disagreement, in a void worse than his accustomed fare of veneration and disfiguring hostility, and he broke down more than once in tears,' wrote Taylor Branch in 'At Canaan's Edge'. So some people at the top of their game can still find it extremely difficult to hear sharp criticism. Sure, we ought to prepare for it and try to deal with it when it occurs, but for some people, it's going to hurt. Life throws numerous curveballs; one improvises, rolls and reinvents along the way. And it very rarely comes out resembling the plan. The vast majority, imho, go through life with little goal-setting at all. So one can take criticism a bit harder than Helen and her genial Instaconsort...and even build real self esteem somewhat haphazardly, without great effort in self-diagnosis or goal-setting (since self-diagnosis is so often simply self-delusion). None of this is to pillory Dr Helen's imperturbability in the face of criticism...but simply to acknowledge that there are other paths too...at least one leading to immortality...

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  21. OK, this thread got weird fast. I never would have predicted that.

    Trey

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  22. Great topic.

    In my opinion women in particular have a problem handling rejection. See the example of the female astronaut and the diapers. See also the female stalkers, etc. I also think its part of the problem women have with the "hook-up" culture - everything is fine until they get rejected.

    Yes, there are men that have problems with rejection, but for the most part rejection is a fact of life for men to some extent or another so they tend to deal with it better.

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  23. anon824-

    Do you have a dog? Does he stay indoors? Does he go crazy when the doorbell rings? Is it ever for him?

    Actually the dog is right for going crazy for several reasons:

    - Most people are at least semi-fond of dogs, so there is usually a pat on the head or an ear scratch in the offing. So the majority of the time there is something in it for him.

    - For dogs this is part of the watchdog function, which is related to the behavior of wolf packs protecting their territories and dens. (Contrary to the other recent thread, the dog-man relationship is symbiotic rather than parasitic. Dogs originally helped with hunting and guarding, and still perform a watchdog function in many cases.)

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  24. The "world", "community", "society", - whatever fuzzy, ill-defined collectivist word you want to use - does owe you something. It is required to honor your rights - human, civil, Constitutional, property, etc. And when those rights are violated an individual is right to hold the "community" accountable.

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  25. tmink-

    Unrealistically high self esteem could lead to not seeing that other people think that you are a jerk or thinking that everyone who does not like you is a jerk.

    Of course there are some situations where a lot of people think you are a jerk and are wrong. Take the Duke lacrosse case - the players are innocent and their attackers are jerks at best. Many of their attackers are much worse - they are criminals.

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  26. Oligonicella,

    Yes, I understood that you were being sarcastic--you made that very clear. I just wanted to elaborate on the misunderstanding that many people have of high self-esteem in general.

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  27. Dr. Helen constantly refers to herself as a forensic psychologist. She seems pretty proud of this. Yet when I read that she thinks Bill Clinton is a "psychopath", I have to question either the quality of her training and/or her objectivity.

    Bill Clinton is not a psychopath.

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  28. Doublehelix,

    I said that Clinton had psychopathic and narcissistic traits, not that he was a full blown psychopath. He probably isn't. BTW, this is a personal blog, not my job, it is my opinion as a citizen, I can state what I want and you are free to reply. Not necessarily on this blog, for that is a privilege, but on your own etc.

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  29. helen-

    I said that Clinton had psychopathic and narcissistic traits...

    Can you outline these?

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  30. Sorry-- Psychopathic "traits". Still, to say that Bill Clinton has psychopathic traits renders the clinical term nearly meaningless. Nearly every politician- right or left- would fall into that category, and I for one would like to preserve the term "psychopathic trait" for those who truly deserve it.

    Its a symptom of extreme partisans to label their ideological enemies as insane. This is an example of that.

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  31. Anonymous:

    "Can you outline these?"

    Lying to the American public about the Lewinsky affair and using his subsequent friends to protect him, knowing full well they were lying on his behalf. That is just a start--I imagine that Paula Jones and Juanita Broaddrick could tell you more.

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  32. Not as bad as lying to federal investigators, like Scooter Libby, I'm sure.

    Or maybe you should stop "imagining".

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  33. Greetings from Haifa.

    What a wonderful post. I couldn't agree with you more on this one. Rejection can be tough, really tough. And in our early years, seem it can seem like the end of the world. But, if we perservere, rejection begins to loose its power, if even a little. Inner rather than outer motivation and direction can change our perspective.

    Still, I don't think for a minute that, even at middle age, rejection doesn't sting a bit for all of us. I simply don't believe anyone who says they don't care.

    Caring too much and caring too little are two sides of the same coin.

    Rejection can be a force that matures and humbles us. And gives us.

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  34. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  35. The fact that most politicians have psychopathic and/or narcissistic tendencies doesn't render either term meaningless. It should be enlightening to realize what is required to go out and beg for money and votes.

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  36. Anon wrote: "The "world" (snip)does owe you something. It is required to honor your rights."

    I wish it were so, but I disagree. Rights are things that people have died for to obtain. We have many rights here in America because many people have sacrificed to secure them. I am not sure that rights are given as much as they are obtained through struggle, sacrifice, war, and death.

    It does not take much time to mention how in most of the world people have no or very few rights. Think of women's rights in Iran, or the right to decent medical care in Africa, or the right to a state of the art education in America's public schools. All are missing.

    So I do not think that the world owes me, or you a thing. Through struggle, we (as people) can carve out our rights, but they must be obtained and protected.

    Trey

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  37. tmink-

    Rights are things that people have died for to obtain.

    All the more reason why you are due them.

    We have many rights here in America because many people have sacrificed to secure them.

    Again, all the more reason why we are due them. They are so important that people rightfully fight for them. That's why there is an obligation for others to honor them. Otherwise they dishonor and disgrace the people that fought for them.

    I am not sure that rights are given as much as they are obtained through struggle, sacrifice, war, and death.

    What do you mean "given"? What makes a right a RIGHT is that no one decides whether to give it to you. No one decides whether I'm "given" my property because it is mine, by right. No one decides whether my body is my own because it is mine, by right.

    It does not take much time to mention how in most of the world people have no or very few rights. Think of women's rights in Iran, or the right to decent medical care in Africa, or the right to a state of the art education in America's public schools. All are missing.

    And that should effect our rights how? Should we steal your property and give it to them? Should we infringe on your rights because their rights are infringed? You can always find someone in a worse situation somewhere on earth.

    Say I didn't like you, trey, and was able to steal from you at will. If I thought the misfortune of others was justification to violate your rights I could always find a reason to steal from you. You wouldn't be able to support yourself. You wouldn't be able to start a family. You would have little incentive to work because I would just selfishly (no matter what I did with the money it would be selfish, because I was intentionally impoverishing you) take it from you. Heck, you would probably be reduced to living with your parents. See where that kind of comparison can lead - if you view misfortune as an excuse to violate others' rights there is no end to it. And of course if I was doing it to you because you were from a particular ethnic, religious, political, etc. group there would be an element of genocide and social engineering to it.

    So I do not think that the world owes me, or you a thing. Through struggle, we (as people) can carve out our rights, but they must be obtained and protected.

    Bullshit - the world owes me my rights, as they owe you yours. We already struggled in this country for our rights, and anyone that moves to violate those rights dishonors that struggle. You get those rights by being a citizen in this country - each person doesn't have to fight for them anew.

    I don't understand what you're getting at. Should I get to steal from you until you "earn" your right to property somehow? That's nonsense - you own your property because its yours, by right and by law.

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  38. Didn't mean to use the word "bullshit" above, that was a little much. But I mean we are talking about fundamental rights here, things that people should realize are due other citizens as a given.

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  39. Hey Anon, I appreciate a good bullshit every now and then, no offense taken. And I do not think I conveyed my point well at all, that is why you did not get what I was trying to convey. Sorry, and thanks for taking the time to post you thoughts.

    I agree with you TOTALLY about the importance of protecting our rights. They are sacred to me as well. I am perhaps more cynical than you in thinking that the world, the government, the who ever gives a damn about us. Individual people do, some of them! That is why the 2nd ammendmendt is so important, because we need the ability to kill the people who try to violate or take away our basic rights.

    I was just disagreeing about where the rights came from. We both believe that people had to carve them out and fetch them at great personal sacrifice. I trust those in government to be power mad and want to erode our rights. They did not give them to us, we took them from them. And I do not trust those in power to respect or keep our rights at all. I do expect brave women and men to fight to keep them.

    We owe it to ourselves to protect and keep them, because we are the only ones who will, and who perhaps can keep them. Only the brave and resolute will protect them. We have earned them, and they are our due, but I do not trust that anyone in power can be trusted to honor the debt. That is why I disagreed with the word "owe."

    In a just world, I could trust a bit more and would agree with the word "owe." But bottom line, I would fight with you to protect them!
    Trey

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  40. Dr. Helen

    Is it strange that I hardly feel rejected at all?
    I don't take things personally (It took me years of practice to do this)... I also used to do things to make people love me but I figured that it is not a life worth living.. When people are toooo nice and trying hard to be liked, I shy away now. I see myself in them. I don't see any integrity in there.

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  41. I don't need anyone's advice about rejection. I have Avoidant Personality Disorder to keep me safe...

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  42. I'm 28 and I've tried many of those techniques, but I always end up reverting back to "the mean." They work for a while, but you have to be so focused and conscious of your day to day behavior that it just becomes exhausting, and you usually give up.

    I haven't had any friends since I was 15. But I'm introverted to the point where I can enjoy my life enough to function quite well in society. Most people I meet and talk to casually at work and other places would never guess that I have no friends.

    In a way, I actually wish I was a bit more miserable in my situation, thus giving me more impetus to change.

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  43. "Update: Professor Althouse responds to this post and makes a common mistake in thinking that taken to the extreme, not caring about rejection from others could lead one to be a sociopath. Quite the contrary, a sociopath often cares deeply about what others think about him or her and feels angry if others do not think they are "special" and entitled to greatness."

    Depends on what the word "care" means. No, I didn't say that did I? :-}

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