Is Nagging a Marriage Killer?
Wall Street Journal (via Newsalert):
It's More Common Than Adultery and Potentially As Toxic, So Why Is It So Hard to Stop Nagging?...
Nagging—the interaction in which one person repeatedly makes a request, the other person repeatedly ignores it and both become increasingly annoyed—is an issue every couple will grapple with at some point. While the word itself can provoke chuckles and eye-rolling, the dynamic can potentially be as dangerous to a marriage as adultery or bad finances. Experts say it is exactly the type of toxic communication that can eventually sink a relationship.
Labels: Relationships
posted by Helen Smith at 6:11 AM
17 Comments:
It was a factor in the death of my marriage. Of that, there is no doubt in my mind. To this day I react with a pure disgust on seeing someone nagging their partner in life. It's not cute, it's not funny, and it's not a game.
My simple opinion.
Nagging kills relationships, because it is an attempt by the spouse to turn the home into a workplace. What person wants to work for a boss and then come home after to relax and find yet another boss making demands?
If your man doesn't do your bidding after a work week, it isn't because he doesn't love you, it's because he's tired of working all week and then having to come home and have yet another boss and not a partner.
If the chore is so damned important, you'd do it yourself, rather than pass it on for someone else to do. But then, there'd be little opportunity for passive/aggressive manipulation and emoting.
Nagging can become a prime contributor to divorce when couples start fighting about the nagging rather than talking about the issue at the root of the nagging,
those who learn to reduce this type of negative communication will substantially increase their odds of staying together and keeping love alive. Couples who don't learn often fall out of love and split up.
Instead of nagging being the prime culprit, how about disucssing communication in general? You must be willing to discuss the problem to have a long lasting marriage.
M:
So what happens if you communicate to her that she should stop nagging and she simply continues to do it?
How do you communicate in general when there is an intractable problem? For instance: She doesn't want to work and he wants her to. You can communicate all you want, she ain't going to work.
I really get tired of these cliches. Someone ALWAYS pops up and says that communication is the key (usually in a kind of condescending way).
AND, by the way, it seems to usually be women who are doing the "communication is key" thing.
I don't think it works as well for men. Some/many/most women will just not react. They will do whatever they damn well please, and if you don't like it, hand over the house and car please.
If anything, the article understates the negative effects of nagging. It's not only an attempt to turn the home into a workplace, as Sgt. Ted said, but a presumption by on party that they should whatever they want and it's perfectly fine to make another person's life miserable in order to get it.
Did you notice that nagging is not done by males. Seems to me, that one poster on another blog had it correct.
Once is a request, twice is a reminder, third time is nagging.
That's the rule my wife and established 32 years ago. And it worked.
When Person A nags Person B, A is assuming the the reason B does not comply is either trivial or malicious. The EXACT reason for the inaction is assumed to be irrelevant. Rather than nagging, a better strategy is to start a non-judgmental conversation about why B objects to the request. Does it remind them of something their parents used to say that was hurtful? Do they percieve it as unfair? Do they question A's motives for asking? etc...
"When Person A nags Person B, A is assuming the the reason B does not comply is either trivial or malicious."
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I don't think so. I think Ms. A has learned from past experience that Mr. B may do some of the stuff nagged about just to get her to shut up (never works, though).
Plus, there's this:
Lot of men grow up learning that if they want something, they have to get it themselves. They have to manipulate the physical world.
Lots of women grow up learning that it's a hell of a lot easier to manipulate a PERSON instead of the physical world. Get a guy to do it for you. They are all just panting, easily manipulated horn-dogs anyway.
And it works.
If stupid doesn't instantly do what she wants, she has to tell him over ... and over ... and over and over and over until stupid finally does it.
By the way, that's how the notion of the Patriarchy came about.
Since getting stuff done involves manipulating a man - and then it gets done - it becomes obvious to exploitive women that man = physical world. Men are the world. So if something bad happens to her, like an earthquake, men are behind it.
Is nagging a marriage killer? Does a bear crap in the woods? Is the Pope Catholic?!
So Why Is It So Hard to Stop Nagging?
That is obvious. Today's society finds it impossible to stop anything which is caused by women. In todays society, coercive actions are taken only on men and anything bad done by women is supposed to be taken in ones stride. Nagging is primarily done by women and since usage of coercive measures against them is so unacceptable, obviously it will not stop. And even other things done by women(like sexual harrassment, drunk driving, paternity fraud etc etc) are not stopped as long as they are done by women,
So, since a lot of the DV models that are now being used, include verbal abuse, does this mean more women will start being charged? /s
Vagina as weapon. There isn't any that is worth all that. At least not while there is an abundance of it out there. And, sit down for this one, sex isn't everything. If you can't talk to her, don't want to be around her, well......
What Mark said.
But to answer the actual question asked in the post: denial. One who nags will make any number of excuses why it's no such thing, or, when those excuses are dismantled, why it's good and probably necessary.
A recent Desperate Housewives episode was about that very thing, by the way, and treated it with hilarious honesty. Make of that what you will.
That it's fiction, and primarily written by men?
@Mark43, The 3 request rule, you are oh so correct, however men DO nag as well. It is not only a female trait. It is often started with a simple request that tends to escalate.
@ SGT Ted, You think she isn't tired of a boss at work to come home as well to know that she alone has the lions share of 'chores' She may not nag / boss if you got off your rear and pitched in to a home you helped mess up as well. Life is too short to be spent wondering why we nag each other. Couples are suposed to be on the same side.
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