Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone With Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

I just got a press release about a new book co-authored by Randi Kreger, the author of Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder. Her new book is called Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone With Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The book is described as follows:
SPLITTING is a legal and psychological guidebook that everyone seeking a divorce from a persuasive blamer should own. Written by Bill Eddy, a family lawyer, divorce mediator, and experienced social worker, and Randi Kreger, BPD expert and author of the bestselling Stop Walking on Eggshells, it offers readers help for navigating the entire process of divorce: hiring and managing a divorce lawyer, reaching a reasonable settlement, protecting oneself and one's children from emotional and/or physical abuse from the former spouse, resisting false accusations, and getting enforceable court orders. The book also delves into the difficult-to-understand, aggressive behavior of persuasive blamers, offering readers psychological explanations for their former spouse's actions and help for coping emotionally with the spouse's extreme mood swings and impulsivity.

If you or someone you know is thinking of divorce from a wife or husband who has either or both of these disorders, this book could potentially be a huge help with the emotional and legal fall-out.



Blogger Magson said...

I found out about Borderline shortly after my ex-wife (married 7 years) moved out and it didn't take me long to see that she displayed the symptoms. I read Stop Walking on Eggshells and it was a huge help to me in seeing how to deal with her. Sadly, it didn't have any legal-type advice like this new book sounds like it has. Could have used it back then, that's for sure. I got taken pretty bad in the divorce.

10:47 AM, August 23, 2011  
Blogger DADvocate said...

persuasive blamer

Love that term. Fits my ex like a glove. My kids have to deal with her much more than I nowadays, but only one, my 15 year old daughter, is still a minor now.

Ultimately, borderlines are there own worst enemies, but they leave a path of destruction. My daughter refuses to spend the night at her mothers and hasn't for well over a year. My ex is one of 10 kids, but only one of her siblings will speak to her. They all speak to me and occasionally we visit with each other. I make sure my kids have contact with their aunts and uncles on their mother's side.

Magson - you may have been taken in court, but you'll come out ahead in the long run.

11:07 AM, August 23, 2011  
Blogger Dr.Alistair said...

phew, it's books like this that remind me of the hell i went through extricating myself from my ex. screaming and yelling and threatening everything under the sun...and spurring her father to attack me physically while i was moving some of my stuff...right in front of my boys.

crazy, crazy bitch.

and she tries to date now but so resents men that they give up the brow-beating early on.

except for my boys i wish i had too.

it's funny. i watched her at my boy's soccer game snubbing her new boy friend as he pet her dog and tried to get her attention...and try as he might, she wouldn't turn around an even say hello.

he eventually sat on a bench.

i wanted to tell him to run while he could, but i wouldn't have listened either and lasted nearly 15 years!

11:17 AM, August 23, 2011  
Blogger Jeff said...

Another good resource is Dr. Tara J. Palmatier's Shrink for Men blog:


11:25 AM, August 23, 2011  
Blogger Cham said...

My mother has a bad case of BPD. Unfortunately, I can't seem to get away from her since she is now starting to be dependent on me. All I can say as these BPDs reach their senior years their afflictions get worse exponentially. If you are married to one and they refuse to seek help I strongly recommend running, not walking, in the opposite direction. This is Crazyville and a sane person will never benefit or come out even.

12:41 PM, August 23, 2011  
Blogger Southern Man said...

"Walking on eggshells" has been the story of my entire relationship life. Too bad it took until my fifties to figure this out regain some control and actually assert myself in relationships. And I must be some kind of magnet for crazy. My last LTR ended when after a year of hell she was diagnosed as Block A PPD by both of her long-time doctors; her response was to accuse me of being in cahoots with them to steal her house and refuse to ever see them again. And I still miss her. What the hell is wrong with me?

12:50 PM, August 23, 2011  
Blogger Cham said...

I don't know you, Southern Man, but you might be like my father, caught up in the drama. My dad was a solid decent respectable human being. He was a rock. My mother is a nutball. My dad was always intrigued with what my mother was going to do next. You might want to ask yourself whether you find excitement in somebody else's crazy. If so, buy some self-help books or get some counseling. Otherwise, prepare to dig a parallel trench with another romantic interest.

12:56 PM, August 23, 2011  
Blogger Joe said...

My ex-wife is borderline. Looking back, for two thirds of our marriage it was there, but simmering. In the last eight years, she slowly lost it. The big difference from many, though, is that she was a low-conflict borderline. This may sound sweet to those with high-conflict spouses, but in some ways it's worse since you have no idea what the hell is going on.

Using my own experience and that from talking with many others, the worse part is after it's over, you are emotionally crushed and the BPD ex-spouse is just cruising along. As a friend said; you're a wreck, but to your ex, you're just a page in her scrapbook of life.

For me the emotional pain is knowing what could have been and not truly understanding why she couldn't see the same thing. Thing is, rational people really can't understand crazy--we can identify behaviors and perhaps understand the root causes of them, but we can't really put ourselves in their mind.

One thing that really helped me was understanding that, at least for some people, borderline personality disorder is really emotionally halted development disorder. My ex-wife has the emotional maturity of a 4 and 13 year old. Knowing that explains so much of her behavior, but I still can't understand why she fails to see why her behavior is so irrational.

5:05 PM, August 23, 2011  
Blogger Armed Texan said...

We all need to read this by November 2012.

On a more serious note, my ex has classic signs of BPD. The saddest part is that she has taught my daughter that this behavior is OK.

5:12 PM, August 23, 2011  
Blogger DADvocate said...

Cham - excellent advice to Southern Man. From my personal and professional experience as a mental health worker, you hit the nail on the head. SM, take heed.

10:07 PM, August 23, 2011  
Blogger Dr.Alistair said...

i spent the better part of 15 years trying to see a smile on that woman's face.

my bad.

people-pleasing is what got me tangled up with her in the first place.

all women are emotional before reason occasionally, but as a matter of course is a red flag.

7:20 AM, August 24, 2011  
Blogger Unknown said...

dr.alistair and others --

Agree and share your sorrows.

For those looking for warning signs here's a big one, does your SO ever agree that what you've done is sufficient?

Take heed. You do not have enough life to satisfy these kinds of people. There will always be the next thing they *need*.

9:46 AM, August 24, 2011  
Blogger Dr.Alistair said...

i have become a little more selfish in my marriage, as my wife does get a little demanding at times and focuses on the trivial at times...but i enjoy renovating our new home and bash on....even though she complains about the mess (which i warned her about). she likes the new attic renovation and the deck that is well on the way and the new landscaping and gardens in the front yard and nods in agreement regarding my plans for fixing the kitchen which needs it desperately...so between clients and seminars i get to play builder and know that, when she gets a little cranky, stay the hell out of her way and plug in some tools.

women are mostly the same, except my wife is better than most, most days and she's good to my kids and we share walks and gardening and movies and love of garage sales on a saturday morning...and i hear my single friends talking about doing what you want when you want...but i did that for a few years and it's actually a little sad compared to companionship with a good woman who means well.

i think what is wearing on her is that her daughter is such a bear and that she and i don't get along at all, and i just ignore her most days (under advisement from her mother) and i realise that her daughter is a classic borderline ranging around looking for conflict.

10:37 AM, August 24, 2011  
Blogger Doom said...

I might have to look the book over. No, not married, but hoping to do so. And, troubling as such women are, they can be quite intriguing. Yeah, maybe a glutton for pain, but aren't all men, give or take? After all, who wants to bet that women made up this whole marriage thing to start with. And the singularity of it, if Christian, not Judeo-Christian. A second wife was not uncommon, and more was not unrealistic or even a bad notion in Jewish history.

Ah well. Then again, I am not sure if we are blessed to only have one tangle legally permitted at a time or not. Though I suspect allowing two or more wives would change the whole dynamic of marriage courts and such. Who would impoverish a second wife and her children for the sake of a selfish second wife who doesn't want to pull her weight? As a fact, what court would see children go into a home with a now-single woman rather than stay in a home with two parents?

Hmm... Sharia! :p

2:40 AM, August 25, 2011  
Blogger br549 said...

As one who was also married to a BPD who also came down bi-polar near the end, I am so overly sensitized to anything I feel contains mearly a hint of less than reasonable, that that I just put my hands up, turn on my heel, and walk. I guess that's not too good either.

7:04 PM, August 25, 2011  
Blogger TMink said...

Helen, I heard a rumour that they are trying to take Narcissistic personality disorder out of the DSM 5!!!!!!


3:57 PM, August 29, 2011  

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